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Hello everyone,


I am 31 years old and currently living in the UK. I have lived abroad before for a few years however at the moment I been back here for 1 month. I have met somebody who lives in the USA and am considering moving there to start a life and create roots with him in his home state, however I have been wrestling with feelings of obligation and guilt as far as my family are concerned.


At the moment my parents are both 61 years old and are healthy, active and both still in the workforce. However I am aware of the reality of ageing and, should I choose to move to the USA and start a family, it would make caring for them in the future a lot more difficult than if I were to stay here. In addition to this I have a brother with severe autism who cannot take care of himself. When speaking to my parents they assure me they have everything under control but I still feel the responsibility to be there for him not only now, but in the event that they become unable to care for him/whatever care plan they have for him manifests and requires my support.


I have no other siblings, and we have no extended family. My parents are not close to our neighbours and they are all much older than them so, once this timeline occurs, these neighbours will probably not be around anymore. Am I making the correct decision if I move so far away? Or should I be more selfless and put down roots here in order to be available should my parents or brother ever require my help?

For me I think it would depend on what kind of life Mr. America can offer.

The US is expensive because, unlike the UK, we do not have affordable health care for those under the age of 65 when Medicare kicks in. You would be dependent upon getting a good job with health benefits or going onto his health insurance but that's only possible if you're his spouse. I would not move before getting married, but that's just me, because I've had two friends ditched at the altar. It may also depend on his home state. If it's middle-of-nowhere-USA that may not be your cup of tea. Have you spent any significant time with him here in the states?

If you have a great job lined up, you love where he lives and you can make your own way if the relationship does not work out, then moving to America with your eyes wide open is understandable at your age. I would not make choices based on what ifs. Your parents are young and their pensioner years along with your brother are their responsibility, not yours. That said, you will want to visit home regularly and that costs time and money.

Here's another question: would Mr. America consider moving to the UK?
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Is there any chance he would move to be near you?
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Reply to emanes
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I think that you should make the move. Your parents are still relatively young and healthy. Down the road, you can deal with whatever issues arise when and if they occur. I wouldn't not move because of what "might" happen. There are so many variables that could happen, you should definitely take the opportunity while you can!
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Reply to IES130
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I think this is a very personal decision. I would not move for a love relationship when I had two aging parents and a challenged bro. Because once there are children for you you would be less likely than ever to move back "home". I think that there are so many partners for us. But I speak from the perspective of a 77 year old who has seen that proven. So given I LOVED my parents and bro (no question if you do not; that would be a DO move) I would not do this. Again, as I said, I am older. That makes a difference. Were I younger and full of adventure and the belief that things are more likely to go right than wrong I imagine I would be "following my bliss". To all things a season.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I honestly cannot see what the issue is. Your parents are in their early 60's, mine are in the late 80's early 90's and I would not hesitate to move for my career.

It is your parents responsibility to arrange for ongoing care for your brother, when they are no longer capable of caring for him. It is not your responsibility to give up your own life based on a what if that may not occur for another 20+ years.
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Reply to Tothill
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You're kidding, right? When my great grandparents emigrated back in the 1850's they didn't have telephones or airplanes so the decision to leave family behind must have been difficult, but today...
You don't owe it to your family to sacrifice your life because they may need help in 20 years or so, and the last I heard the UK is not a third world country without any supports for the elderly or disabled.
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Reply to cwillie
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