Should I or should I not get involved again with my mom and my 63 yr old sister?
Hi, again everyone that has followed my story with my Mom who is 88, since last year. I have another story and need advice. Well, Mom, had just come home in August from the hospital for a UTI the last I had posted on here. Since then my crazy sister that is 63, that has issues, she needs help with her behavior. She has uncontrolled anger and a narcissistic controling person. I would say she probably is bipolar. She was living a few months ago in another state. She calls Mom and wants to come live with her. We had kept my sister from coming and seeing Mom while she was living with us and even after she moved in her apartment. But Mom wanted to see her so bad she ended up telling her where's she lived after we kept her safe fom her and after we told her not to let my sister know where she lived. I wouldn't have mind taking her somewhere to meet her in a public place to see her. Because I knew it would start over again. For the same reason that Mom moved in with us to begin with was to get away from my sister. She was controling Mom so she couldn't even sit in her own livingroom. She had to do what my sister said to do. She also threatened her and Mom was afraid of her. So when Mom let her come and see her she goes to Mom's Dr and gets him to sign papers for her to stay with mom as her care giver. But had no intentions of doing so. Mom is miserable now that she is there. She doesn't help Mom with rent or help with utilities or buy groceries. She is living there for free. Her and Mom argue constantly. She will not help Mom with her showers, doesn't cook for her, in fact she waits for Mom to cook for her. She complains if she has to do anything for mom or take her to her Dr appts. Mom calls me today and says she is tired of it and wants to get in her car and leave, but Mom is in a wheelchair and can't walk only a few feet. She slides on and off her wheelchair, let alone get in her car to leave. As far as I know my sister has not threatened her yet. I am afraid that she may get angry enough at her to hurt her. I was very disappointed that Mom let her know where she was living, I told Mom it was her decision even though I didn't approve of it. My family and I do not go and visit with her now because of my sister living there. She is trouble and will cause havoc for me and my family. Been there before. I worry about her safety and mental state. Not sure what will happen in the future if she doesn't go to the manager of the apartment and let her know what is going on and that she is not happy with her living there. I rehearsed that today to her. But this is Mom's words: If I do and something happens to her I will regret it the rest of my life. Because my sister is always saying things to her like she will just shoot herself or she will jump off a bridge. She has Mom over a barrel. My family and I are recovering and healing from a lot of pain, chaos and anxiety since we have backed away from Mom and sister. Not that I don't love Mom, because I do love her dearly, but we can't do it all over again. So, I guess what I am asking here is, what should I do to prevent me and my family getting involved, but yet how to help Mom get sister out of her apartment.
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You can contact Adult Protective Services and tell them that your sister is intimidating your mother. Hopefully they will investigate and help with eviction, a protective order, and whatever else is within their realm.
One more step would be for your mother to move into some kind of secure apartment or facility that could deny entry to your sister.
I recall your past posts that your mother has always enabled your sister in her bad choices. Sometimes there is only so much you can do. Don't move your mother back in with you. It didn't solve the problem last time and it won't again.
I'm sorry this is all so frustrating for you.
Your mom created this mess, and now she is triangulating you in this crazymaking situation. This has probably always been their relationship dynamic.
The word missing on both their parts is accountability. Your mom is accountable for allowing your sister back in after you had arranged to keep her away. Sister comes back again and does nothing for mom. Mom calls you to complain. I get the impression this is a pattern of dysfunction between the three of you.
If mom is in her right mind, she can call the police when sister has these suicidal ideations. Mom needs to stop enabling this behavior. Give mom the number to APS and tell her to call herself instead of calling you to come rescue her. It sounds like negative attention getting devices and manipulation going on here from both parties. You bailed your mother out before, but she let your sister move in.
Cut the cord on this nonsense.
You just contradicted yourself in a single sentence. What you can (and must) do is to decide what you really want. Zero involvement and to stand by and watch the sausage being made from a safe distance, keeping you and your family the priority since you KNOW what will ensue the minute your step back into the fray -- or to just go in and stay in until there's a permanent solution no matter the cost to you and your family.
In your profile it says your Mom has ALZ/dementia. If this is true, then why is she getting to make decisions that are obviously NOT in her best interests? Does she have a PoA? If not, then maybe it's time she has a legal guardian through the county.
Please consider therapy to help you identify and defend strong and healthy boundaries so you can avoid the chaos. Staying out of the fray doesn't mean you don't love and care about your Mom. But getting involved, all the hard work you put in prior, has now just been pooped on by your Mom because she is cognitively impaired and you seem to be either be completely uneducated about dementia or you just cannot say no to her.
If you stay completely out then call APS and report your Mom as a vulnerable adult and give them the low-down on your sick sister and the history. It may take a couple of calls but this is probably the most you should do, especially if you're not her PoA. Please do not take her back into your home. That is yet another harmful decisions that will delay a permanent solution.
Your Mom probably should be in AL. She can maybe get an Elder Waiver to help with that cost, if her county offers it. Call them or APS to get guidance as to what she is actually able to do in this situation. Do not rush in there to rescue her. Keep remember the suffering from the last time and don't repeat it or you get what you asked for and deserve it.
Thank you for you words of advice. I feel within my heart to stay away and out of this situation. Because I cannot put myself and family through this again.It hurts to see mom in this situation. My sister is very muliputive and plays on mom's feelings to get what she wants. She has for a few years now. I think things will eventually solve itself. The manager will be the one to put her out without my help. I will hint to neighbors that APS needs to be called. I just needed the assurance and guidance of you all.
mother gaslights you by first complaining about your sister and then guilt-tripping you in such a way that puts the blame on YOU if something 'happens' to your sister or her. I don't think so. Your mother is the one who signed paperwork at her doctor's office. She allowed your sister to move in her house too. That's on her and no one else, especially you. Your mother sounds a lot like mine and they are the same age. My mother has been a victim and a martyr her whole life. Sympathy, pity, and making others miserable is their top priority. There's nothing anyone can do about people like this.
You don't have to cut your mother out of your life though. The second she starts complaining or trying to gaslight you, that is when the phone call abruptly ends. You can pick her up and take her out (without your sister) if you want to. Same rules apply about any complaining and gaslighting though.
As for your sister. She's 63 years old. If she was serious about killing herself she would not have reached that age. She uses threats against herself as a manipulation tactic to get what she needs from others. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your sister has probably never had to be responsible for anything including herself. Others (like partners, family, government social programs) have taken care and provided for her needs her entire life, with zero responsibility on her. She's a master manipulator because this is how she gets her way and taken care of.
The next time she threatens to shoot herself or jump off a bridge, tell her to go ahead and make sure she shoots herself outside so she doesn't make a mess.
The next time your mother starts up with the complaining and gaslighting, shut her down.
If you really think your mother is in actual danger from your sister, call APS and ask the local police to do weekly wellness checks on her. Besides this, wash your hands of all the BS. I did and I've never been happier.
I can think of three options:
- How do you feel about letting your Mom move back in with you? No room for sister, sorry. If that's not an option,
- Move Mom to assisted living. If she can afford it.
- Stay out of this mess. You didn't create it. You've done everything you can to avoid it and keep Mom out of it. Let Mom deal with her own mess she allowed.
I would still visit your mom, so you can really see what is happening there. Maybe let her doctor know about your sisters issues. It sounds like your mom could be in mental or physical trouble living with your sister. (From time to time). Maybe not on consistently.
If she is threatening suicide, you should believe her. She needs help. Or maybe, she jokes about it to control your mom???
it is not healthy for your family. She should not be able to leech into mom for free housing. Maybe she has an alcohol or drug problem? If she was thinking right, why would she not want to help mom?
best of luck to your family
🙏❤️🍀
If your sister has threatened you / your mother, call Adult Protective Services.
Keep accurate notes / documentation of what transpires.
You may need it for court.
Get an attorney if you feel it is necessary for the protection of you/r family and your mother.
You have to know when to let go and what will be will be. Hard to hear, I know.
From what you write, if I were in your shoes, I would relese myself as much as possible to be in a decision-making position.
The bottom line, if your mother is deemed mentally stable, wash your hands of it all. She will do what she wants, whether good for her or not. And, it certainly sounds very toxic and an unhealthy environment with your sister involved.
Gena / Touch Matter
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