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MIL is now in stage 6, on antipsychotics to keep her hallucination, agitation and exit seeking behavior under control.


MIL is delusional and has been telling everyone ( family members and caregivers) that I am stealing from her.


Should I visit MIL in her care home? Or should I just skip the visit?


I don’t want to upset her or to become agitated seeing me. I am not sure how she’s going to behave when I visit. I am not sure how to handle the situation if she becomes agitated.


We moved MIL from her IL to an alz adult care home for her health and safety. It was in January. She developed the delusion after her move, probably because I was the one that did all the packing and moving.

She’s not going to remember who brought her there or who did the packing. If you go in person, don’t go alone.You can choose to do a virtual visit instead. Accusing family members of stealing is the norm for Alzheimer’s/ dementia patients. She needs to be managed by professionals with proper meds. My 94 year old mother with dementia new name for me is “Hitler” It used to be “prostitute”. I think I prefer “prostitute “. My mother never used to curse when she was well & I remember her washing my mouth out with soap when I cursed…which I picked up from school…
It’s your choice…either way, MIL won’t remember you were there 5 minutes after your visit. Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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Beatty May 9, 2021
😱 Gosh, how awful. Bless you for having such strength.
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Eh--no matter what you do choose to do, you will wonder how it would have gone if you'd done the 'other' thing.

Personally, having had a whole YEAR of no contact with my MIL, I am finally beginning to have a sense of peace about her. I did buy her a gift, which my daughter will drop off on her back porch with no contact (she hates my kids b/c they are 'from me' so they also have had a year of non-contact).

DH has mono, so he is under 'house arrest' and will not be better by Sunday, so doubtful he'll even call her.

EVERY SINGLE visit with her since the big blowup of a year ago has been a small slice of hell for DH. I am not there to take the hatred and blunt caustic comments. He comes home, depressed and angry and frustrated. Evidently every visit is a slam session with me being the main topic.

She has not been formally dxed with ANY kind of mental illness except for anxiety. I guess 'really mean' isn't a mental issue?

It's mother's day for YOU too, right? IF you choose to visit, go on Saturday. My MIL routinely ruined Mother's DAy for me, year after year after year.

Go if you want, but have no expectations of loving hugs or even acknowledgment of existence. In 45 years I never so much as got a card.
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Reply to Midkid58
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If it makes you feel better then send flowers, card, gift but skip the visit — it won’t change anything.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Don't visit her. Don't feel guilty about it.
She won't be happy to see you.
You won't feel good about yourself after the visit.
So, there is no point.
Often, guilt and "doing the right thing" sends us into situations we should avoid.

I avoid my very aggressive elderly father, and my life is so much better for it. I am happy and calm and not involved in his insanity.

I strongly recommend you do the same. Look after yourself.
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Reply to Lizzyvoo
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If you will feel badly for not visiting her, then visit her. You don't know how she will react, or even if she will react to your visit. She may even welcome seeing you. Don't try to second guess, just visit. If she gets agitated, leave. You might even present her with some flowers.
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Reply to sjplegacy
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Do what is right for you. You are not obligated to visit.

When I went to see my godmother in the nursing home she didn’t have a clue as to who I was, not one clue.

My godmother had Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t think my visits meant anything to her and I always left feeling very depressed. The only thing that she ever said to me in a rude voice was, “Who are you?” When I replied saying that I was her goddaughter, she didn’t respond. Eventually, I stopped going.

Do what you feel is best.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I have the same thing going on with my dad. I have resorted to dropping off small treats for him weekly.

The hostility just got to the point that it was soul crushing. Sometimes people with dementia seem to direct all their anger at one person. The neurologist kept telling my dad may never give up the fixed belief that I have stolen all his money. I kept thinking I could get through to my him.

After two years, I have decided my visits just make things worse for my dad; and they were eroding at my best memories. Please find someone to talk to outside of your family. Hang in there.
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Reply to AmiRMP
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I stopped seeing my mother about a year before she passed away except to take her to the dr. She had narcissistic tendencies and verbally abused me all my life and that is the one thing that never stopped ( in part thanks to instigation from a narcissistic sibling who told her lies about me) . Truthfully, it wasn’t worth upsetting her and me , even the doctor visits were a nightmare towards the end. Of course I was the only one of my sibs who had responsibility for her medical care including her last hospitalization , nursing home and hospice at my daughter‘s house in the middle of Covid but just proved the point she had no reason to abuse me. I think it comes down to what’s best for you, not her. She’s not going to change but what will allow you to be satisfied with your part ? She doesn’t know reality at this point but you do. To me it was how much do I have to let her hurt me vs what do I feel is my responsibility to her as my parent. I did all I could medically for her ( ie refused to allow my sibs to drop her more expensive medications cause it was “ cutting into their inheritance “) but basically saw as little of her as possible while doing so. That gave me peace . Mine was an extreme case since it was more than just dementia but I think it still applies, you need to do what you will be able to accept as doing your best for you
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Reply to Jannner
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Jada824 May 10, 2021
Janner,

Sorry you’re dealing with this too. I know exactly how you feel. Dementia is worse when an evil sibling turns them against you. Hugs
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You can always say: "No, I put them in your safe space so no one will take them." If that doesn't work, don't argue, just exit stage left. My MIL used to hear water running. My SIL would argue w/her. I always said "Oh tell Maria to go turn it off. " Or I would tell her it's the sound from the washer (which people had to use quarters for). I'm from that school that says: if they say there's a lion under the bed, just say I already called the lion tamer, he's coming!
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Reply to Nursebja1982
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I'd go & just see how it goes.

Try moving the blame for the 'stealing' onto faeries, leprechauns or even ghosts? (Worked for older lady I met).
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Reply to Beatty
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