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I know, the question sounds insane. You would almost have to have grown up in my family to understand why I'm even asking. So here's the background info. My mom is in a NH with close to end-stage Alzheimer's. I have spent my health taking care for her for over 10 years while my do-nothing sister angled for her money, stole from her, verbally abused her, and tried to kidnap her once. (Yes, she tried to take my mom to her state--with no one's knowledge-- so she could have access to mom's social security check.) Don't misunderstand the words "spent my health"; I would do it again in a heartbeat. Spent my health simply states a fact that every caregiver who actually cares, understands.


Mom has been in a nursing home for almost 3 years. Although my sister is retired, she has never visited mom once and never asked how she is doing. The only thing she's ever showed any interest in is my mother's belongings. But that aside.


My mom specifically TOLD me not to even tell my sister when she dies. She said this years ago when she was more cognizant, and she stuck to it.


My sister is bossy, a drama queen, and has a penchant for chaos. She likes to "take over" for the sake of taking over. In the past 20 years, she has come to see my mom about 7 times and has called her only 5 times: New Years Day, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Her Birthday, and Christmas. The times she visited, it was for the purpose of having a NY crash pad, NOT to spend time with my mother.


In my mother's last months before going into the nursing home, when her dementia was getting worse, my sister called often. Once, she called while I was there. My mom sat there looking so scared and upset that I took the phone away from her ear. What I heard was nothing less than abusive vitriol, so I hung the phone up. My poor mom....


Anyway, now my sister has resurfaced. I could go on and on about her taking my mom's jewelry and saying she would only help me care for our mom if I paid her $800 a month, but I won't. There are a million terrible stories I could tell, but I won't. The point is, I deeply distrust her, she may have mental problems, and she would definitely cause a scene if she came to my mom's memorial.


Before my mom's diagnosis, she said she wanted to be cremated and that she did not want a funeral. I told my sister, figuring that she, too, should be aware of my mom's wishes. She said "NO! NO!," in a very definitely way, as if the decision were her's, and proceeded to take my head off verbally.


My mom signed paperwork with an attorney designating me as the person with authority to dispose of her remains. I plan to carry out her wishes. There will be no funeral per mom's wishes, but I am choosing to do a simple memorial service after she is cremated.


Though sis has resurfaced (she was previously ignoring my texts and attempts to connect), she has STILL not asked about our mom. That tells me everything I need to know. I see so clearly now that she could care less.


When my mom first told me not to tell my sister when she died, I didn't protest, but I had no intention of doing something so over-the-top. Now I see the wisdom in it. I'm seriously considering doing just that. Letting her know after the fact, "Mom passed away on such and such date. Per her wishes there was no funeral. She has been cremated and her cremains are buried at such and such cemetery."


I just want my mom's memorial to be drama-free and that will NOT happen with my sister around.


Thoughts?

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Thank you Veronica and surprise.
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Christine, you are so sweet and so healthy. Good for you to have set a boundary for your sis and held her to it, even if it took you 3 mos to figure it out. You did figure it out. You have every right to just cut off the sister completely. What a piece of work. Keep up the good work!
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Just do what your Mom wanted. No lawyer would take the case of seeing you as there would not be anything in it for him/her. She would also have to come up with the money for a retainer which she won't want to do.
So keep on looking out for Mom and follow her wishes. Sis can jump up and down and scream but there is nothing to be had. You can also instruct the nursing home that your sister is not allowed to see your Mom without you being present and agreeing.
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Hi everyone, OP here. I'm resurrecting this to answer some questions that came up and to pass a rainy Saturday afternoon in NY.

My mom is in a nursing home on Medicaid. The only thing she presently has to her name is a resident account where $50 per month is deposited. I pay for her toiletries, replacement clothing, treats, nice bedding for her room and the private aide she had for a little over a year. This amount is much more than $50 per month. As her POA, I withdraw the money from her resident account and have it conservatively invested in a fund that will cover her final expenses. There is a life insurance policy as well. Small face value. It will just about pay for her headstone. I have paid the premium for years.

I am the executor of her will and also her health care proxy.

We were not rich people. Mom rented an apartment most of her life, where I also grew up. My mom taught me to be a good saver, a hard worker, and a person of integrity. I am now fairly comfortable. My sister, on the other hand, lived beyond her means, felt she was entitled to more than she could afford, and now struggles.

Though my mom has a will, it lists only belongings. There's no money to be had; everything she saved will just about cover her final expenses.

When my mom entered the nursing home, she needed to give up her apartment. My sister demanded everything that was "hers" in the will. I asked her to please come get anything she wants. She never came. I was paying for my mom's apartment (including rent and utilities) for those 3 months while I waited for my sister and she put me off. I couldn't really afford to keep doing that. So in month 3, I turned in the key to the landlord. Yes, I had reached out to her in the interim, but she just gave me lip service. I finally realized she was never coming. She had promised to help me pay the rent, but that never happened, of course. 

Standard procedure for vacated apartments is for the landlord to put the belongings on the street for garbage collection. To avoid this, I sold or donated mom's large furniture since I wasn't able to carry it out myself and had nowhere to put it even if I could have carried it out myself. Every penny of the money went into an envelope for mom. I used it to buy her anything she said she wanted during her first year adjusting to the nursing home. The little bit that was left went into the account for her final expenses. (The furniture was very old. Good condition, but not worth a whole lot of money.) Anything that was my sisters, including pictures of her and my mother, was boxed and sent to her. (She already had my mom's good jewelry via theft.) Some of the smaller things, I took and put in my garage, but they were so old that they just didn't last.

I guess my sister could sue for the ancient furniture, but it's gone. I gave her ample time to collect it, but she essentially abandoned it. She can, of course, bring suit. Anyone has the right to bring suit, but there is nothing to be gained. The court would probably consider those things of little to no monetary value. So she could sue my mom's "estate," which has no value....

I'm sorry things went this way. I'm sorry my sister turned out to be a bad person. I'm sorry my mom lives in a nursing home, unable to even speak for herself. But there's nothing I can do to change any of this. I can just do my best to care for and protect my mom, and do the morally and legally right thing. 

It will be hard and sad, but I'm cutting off all communication with my sister. When I told her 3 years ago that I had to give up mom's apartment and sell/donate the larger item to avoid them being put in the garbage, she was so angry she stopped speaking to me. A couple of months ago, she resurfaced, but I don't trust her at all. Cutting off communication is the best way I know to protect my mother. My sister has already tried to kidnap her once, and I don't want her to attempt it again. She lives in a different state and would have difficulty navigating my area without my help. I'm sorry.

As for whether I would tell her after my mom is buried and the memorial is over...why? She could not make it more obvious that she does not care. It seems like a bad thing to do, but after she has abandoned my mother (years ago), and hung me out to dry, leaving me alone to deal with crushing nursing home situations where I needed support....should I then basically invite her to verbally abuse me or make my life unpleasant? I know, the whole thing sounds crazy to me and I'm living it.
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I did not see anything in your initial statements that your mother has a will. If she does not, anyone in the order of succession will need to be notified when the estate is probated whether they are to inherit something or not.  This gives them the opportunity to contest the will.  When a person dies, spouse is usually first, followed by children, parents and then siblings. The will should specify if someone in the close line of succession is to be omitted. I am not a lawyer but have been through 2 of these probate issues and as expected, they aren't pleasant and cost money (lawyer!) to defend or resolve.  This is in NY by the way.
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OMG, what a horror story!!! My first thought was...do you have power of attorney, etc to be able to carry out your Mom's wishes without fear of retribution from your negligent sister? If so, thank goodness. If I were you, I would carry out my Mother's wishes and not say a word to anyone who could get back to your sister. Have the service for Mom as sparse as possible in order to keep it from your sister. Eventually, of course, she will find out. And ;you will have to be prepared for her onslaught and egrecious hands. Good luck.
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Your sister sounds mentally ill. Do not buy into her dysfunction. Follow you mother's wishes and send her a note after the death, after the cremation. Do NOT invite F'ckery into your life at this time. Your sister for whatever reason is not dependable, kind, or reasonable. Leave her to her dysfunction. Tell her after your mother's death. And please have a plan about any of your mother's property or money or real estate....you can give her something and she may be content with 'something'. But be prepared to be sued for 'what I am OWED' - that's what those head cases do. All. About. Them.
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Christine,
When your sister comes raging at you after finding out, just tell her "We were estranged, and Mom wanted to keep it that way".

I do believe that you are between a rock and a hard place, a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

Maybe you could practice being Switzerland to head off answering the many angry questions that will come with that call. None of which you have to answer or endure, just hanging up. imo.
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You would think an obit would be notification, but given this is an adverse situation, I'd want to cover the notification with a legal service. Depends on what's at stake- consult an atty to find out what to do in any specific situation.
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Isn't an obituary notification?
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The executor of a will has to notify heirs of the estate, true.

But the child of a deceased person doesn't have to do a dam' thing if she doesn't want to; and in this case the only instructions we know about are those of the mother authorising (in writing) the OP to dispose of her remains and forbidding (verbally) her to inform her sister.

I agree that the mother's request seems extreme, and I personally suspect it isn't very realistic either - word gets around. But the OP either complies with her mother's wishes or tells her she'll do no such thing. She can't agree, and then fail to do what she's agreed to.
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You have to notify heirs but they don't get any proceeds until after probate.
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Again, sorry scanned the posts so not sure this has been said.  Mom has been in a home, private pay or Medicaid?  If Medicaid Mom has no money.
If a house, Medicaid will put a lean on it at time of death.  If a will, its null and void at time Medicaid begins. If Mom has anything worth anything put it in a safe deposit box.  I doubt there is anything left if private pay after 3yrs.  Hopefully your executrix if there is a will.  You will have to make sure all debts are paid. Probate can take a while depending on the estate.  In NJ I think you have 30 or 60 days to contact any people named in the will.   You don't have to post an obit.  Either in the paper or by the funerak home.  This is the only way it gets on the internet.  Her Memorial can be held anytime.  We had MILs on her birthday 3 months after her death.  By that time you should have all ur ducks in a row.  I agree, abide by what Mom wanted.
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Your responsibility is to your mother. I told my brothers,"if you want to know what is happening in your parents life, have a relationship with them." If they don't call their 80+ year old parents for 5 months or more than a year they are not going to know what is going on, their relationship with their parents is their responsibility. Your sister does not care about having a relationship with your mother.

Get your ducks in a row. Talk to the lawyer about your legal obligation to notify your sister. Not what he she feels you should do - but what you are legally required to do. If nothing was left to her in a will or trust, I do not see why you would have a legal responsibility to tell her. Have the cremation done, have your small memorial service. Secure your mother's belongings and accounts.

If you are not obligated to tell her about your mom's death don't. When she finds out, she finds out. If mom is still mentally fit enough to write a letter, have her write a quick letter telling sister that it was her desire that sister not be informed of her passing. If she is not of mind you will just have to explain that mother made the request years ago. You will catch a great deal of anger resentment and flak. Stay strong. Honor your mother - this is her decision to make about her end of life. Have a plan in mind to protect yourself from your sisters' backlash and aggression.
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In my state, you must inform the heirs/immediate family if the elders dies. How about thinking of this as, "don't tell your sister I'm at death's door?" Sis's presence would not be a positive at Mom's bedside, would it?

I'd put a very nice (prewritten) obit in the paper to preempt sis placing a nasty one. And I'd make the memorial a private, invited dinner so that you can control the guests. Cremation can be accomplished without invitation as can disposing.

But I'd use all the time you have legally before you *pay a sheriff* to *serve* her with the legal papers informing her that mom died. Don't do it yourself.
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Unless there is some legal reason you have to notify your sister, why tell her anything at all? Why would you consider it your responsibility? Just be sure you have all your legal and financial ducks in a row. Sounds to me that you would probably be better treated by a perfect stranger and you wouldn't feel you had to notify anyone and everyone you ran into, would you? If your sister cares, she can find out for herself.
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Christine

It was nice to know others are in a similar predicament. I would honor your mom's wishes. There is a reason mom requested this. I have a sibling that hasn't seen her mother in over 30 years. For years, my sister would send mom her bills and mom would pay them for her. Vet bills, her mortgage, new appliances etc. - thousands of dollars that mom didn't have. My mom has a 10th grade education and worked in a grocery store till she was 84; my sister has a nursing degree. Gee - what's wrong with this picture.

Sibling would call mom every Sunday, but that stopped once mom came to live with me and the money stopped flowing. I personally struggle with do I tell my sister when mom dies. When that happens, I know all she will want is her inheritance and she will cause problems. Years ago, she told mom that she would not come to her funeral. So, I decided - when mom dies, I will have an attorney contact her. He already knows the situation and she can consult with him, not me. Hope this helps.
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If your mom requested your sister not know when she dies, then no, don't tell her, I wouldn't! If all your sister cared about is mom's belongings when she doesn't deserve anything from your mom when she dies.

Meanwhile, make sure your mom has a valid bulletproof will make sure you're careful how it's worded so it cannot be overturned later. One thing you want to include in your will that is if anyone tries to overturn the will, they automatically lose their case. Find out what your mom wants and to whom she wants her stuff to go. If she can, I'll have her put it in writing and see if you can get an eldercare lawyer to come to her and speak with her privately.

Another smart move would be to have her choose her preneed if this hasn't already been done. If she's at the verge of dying and she happens to have money, the smartest move would be for her to go ahead and pay off her own funeral. Find out what funeral home she wants to use and what her final wishes are. See if there's a funeral home that has a staff that can come to her. be very careful about paying cash, go with your debit card so that your bank has a trail of where the money went when you started the preneed. If the person Who visits you doesn't except your credit card, call the funeral home and see if you could bring your mom who visits you doesn't except your credit card, call the funeral home and see if they take debit cards. If they say yes, make an arrangement to bring your mom in in person and let her make her arrangements. Be very careful though, they'll try to sell you stuff you don't want or need, so you may want to at least stay nearby just in case. One thing I would make note of with the funeral home is if you plan on hosting a memorial is see if the funeral director or even the owner will watch for anyone you don't want to be there. You can tell them the name of the person you don't want there and see if they'll ask names coming in the door. That way, they can stop and question, after which they can send the unwanted person away.

* When your mom passes, make sure you're the one to open her estate and hire the lawyer. That way, you're the executor with fiduciary duties. The reason why I mentioned the estate lawyer is so that you're protecting yourself against possibly getting sued over a mistake because most people don't know the inns and outs of the system like a good lawyer does. This is why you should let the lawyer handle this for you. In Ohio there's a process of handling an estate, i'm going through this very thing right now and the estate will most likely be monitored by the court system but I don't know all of the other side of how this works when a lawyer gets involved and handles matters for you. In Ohio I know the first step is to admit the will (if any) within a certain time limit. The next step is gathering inventory. The next step after that in Ohio is paying off any debt that deceased owes. When paying off a debt, you want to start off with the most important ones like any taxes and medical bills. During this time some inventory must be sold including major assets after the deceased has been dispositioned and the funeral home has been paid for that disposition. Then, anything left over after everything important is paid then distribution is made to the rightful heirs.

I don't know if you live in Ohio, but I must warn you not to let her die without a will if there's anyone she doesn't want to give anything to such as your sister. If she dies intestate meaning no will, Ohio law requires a certain procedure and protocol. The first thing they're going to look for is any surviving spouse who automatically gets everything. They have certain protocol that must be followed by law when someone dies without a will in Ohio. In my particular case dad had no surviving spouse and he was widowed. In this particular type of case where someone dies intestate and has no surviving spouse but there are surviving children, they get equal shares of everything. If there are no surviving children then they look for grandchildren, and so on. If there are absolutely no survivors then the state gets it all as a last resort. If your mom is on the verge of passing anytime soon, you definitely want to go over things with her and find out about your state laws regarding what will happen with her stuff when she dies. It would be very smart on her part right now to figure out where she wants everything to go and who gets what, she really needs to get her ducks in a row before the day of her passing
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Unless she is not in the will/trust, she must be notified of your Mother's death if anything is to go to her.
Oh my, I can totally relate to Jbylync, you are my hero! I have no doubt I am the "wicked sister" but unfortunately, I did do as Mom asked and took care of her because she knew I would do the right thing. Had I known how my sibling would have behaved, I would have really thought twice. I agree, they THINK I am doing this for money, you have got to be kidding me!!!! I had to give up my career (she has dementia) she is not wealthy so she cannot afford LTC or private in home care, I have no life, no freedom, no health insurance, husband and I have a stressed marriage because we are both trapped, dealing with psycho brother trying to milk her for everything until I booted him from the property after this became a real problem. Then the drama ensued. The hate mail, the false accusastions, on and on. Oh how I wish I would have had your strength (and a crystal ball) to do what you did and just say no. I never imagined they would behave this way over money (and there isn't much) and possesions (again, nothing earth shattering like an Authentic Faberge, Tiffany lamp or original Rembrant) and yes, it is so tempting not to tell them when she passes but my husband knowing how they are told me he will handle them. God bless my husband!!!! He knows exactly what they are all about and is much smarter than either of them so they won't stand a chance trying to pull any BS. When we got married, we did not invite them either because it was AFTER all the drama of Mom choosing me over them to be POA and DPOA and executor. They accusations started flying from that very moment. They have never reached out and asked if they could help out, take her anywhere without her wallet paying for it, zero. But, I am the big nasty "wicked sister" and wish to heck I had just said no. The stress and sacrifice was far greater than I could have ever imagined "just trying to do the right thing."
So.........if you can get away with it by law, and there is nothing designated to her in the will/trust, then don't tell her. Heck, I would never communicate with her ever again and ignore every attempt unless she showed up on my doorstep, then I would file a restraining order against her. I am so sorry you have to deal with all this but unfortunately, I can relate!!!!!
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Honor your mother's wishes. Your mother recognized that your sister is a toxic person. IMO, toxic people should not be allowed around good people.

You know that your sister abused your mother! You know that your sister will make a show if invited to the memorial. Do as your mother asked, cherish the memories you made with your mother and forget about your sister.

My father is a toxic person and I cut him out of my life after he made my wedding day all about him. I did not want to invite him to my wedding but my husband and MIL insisted I "do the right thing." Well, my father tarnished my memories of that day. I wish I could go back and fix that one decision and not invite a toxic person to my wedding. I can't, but what I can do, and what I have done, is stopped communicating with my father, who doesn't even know that my MIL died.
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I agree with honoring your mother's wishes. If your sister resurfaces at some time after your mother passes, then I would refer her to your mother's attorney, and if necessary, get a restraining order. You've done everything that you can to help your mother, and giver her a good life. There's no need to allow your sister's abuse to continue after your mother passes. For right now, I'd block her number.
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I am in the minority here... I think it's cruel NOT to tell your sister when your mother passes. Your mom might be perfectly justified in this decision, even though it's cruel and vindictive. It is her responsibility to implement this horrible decision, not yours. In psychology, when one family member uses another to do one's dirty work it's called Triangulation. It is a form of very bad behavior--on the part of the person wanting to do dirt. This tactic is designed to make you look bad in the eyes of your sister and to cause a permanent rift. Based on what you said, your mother's and sister's behavior, I'd bet your family of origin is pretty dysfunctional.

What is the consequence of following your mother's instructions? You can guarantee that your sister will be *very, very angry* when she finds out what you did. You can guarantee that she will want absolutely nothing to do with you--you will be completely dead to her. She would be perfectly right to feel this way. She will tell her friends that you're a mean, vindictive b*tch for doing this.You can also bet that she will tell her friends, who will tell their friends (because it's shockingly bad behavior) and your reputation *will* be damaged. (How do I know: Both my mother and brother spread malicious gossip about me. It spread and my friends all heard it. It spread far and wide, to warn people not to have anything to do with either my mother or brother. My reputation got rehabilitated at their expense, thank God for that.)

The best thing to do: tell your sister when your mother dies. Remember that funerals / memorial services are to benefit the living, not the dead. Give her an opportunity to attend the funeral (if there is one) and burial / cremation. If she wants to go to the funeral, I would delay having it so that she can attend. If she chooses to attend, be on your absolute best behavior. If she wants to give your mother an eulogy, let her. Should she behave badly at the funeral or reception, while at the event, act as if it never happened. That way, should she behave badly, everyone will know what kind of person she is--and people are more likely to treat you sympathetically.

In my situation, people remember how badly my brother behaved and that I was not allowed to give a eulogy. I was able to, informally, talk to my father's friends and neighbors and give my eulogy. They found it to be moving. They had not realized how much good work my father did (since you are reading this web site, you and your loved ones have directly benefitted from my father's work), but because he was an engineer, never got public recognition for it. People do remember that my brother embarrassed himself at the funeral.

Hope that helps. I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation. There is no absolutely, positively right answer to your question. If you are planning *not* to tell your sister, I recommend that you talk to someone *you* trust, who is familiar with what's going on in your family. If you are a member of a religious organization, I would *strongly* recommend that you get pastoral care. I would also recommend that you have a few sessions with a social worker who is an elder care coordinator or a family therapist. You're in an unusual situation and you would benefit from consulting either a good pastor or a social worker with appropriate knowledge and experience.
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I am in similar situation. You will eventually need to notify her, to give her the 120 days required by law to contest will, etc. I would wait until the services are over and you secure your mothers assets so sis doesn't "take" them. Like I said, I am experiencing similar with my mother passing 6 months ago. Good luck to you.
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Honor your mother's last wishes. Listen to her last thoughts. Give her last good-bye a good one, not filled with 'drama' -- she has asked for little, give it to her in the end. This is what I would do. Then afterwards, after the funeral. I would inform your sister of your mother's passing and her last wishes. It may be hurtful, but sometimes, people need to feel 'hurt' in order to grow and learn. Your mother wanted a peaceful passing, give it to her.
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After she passes, I think you should let sister know.

I also had last wishes from my Mom that I knew would cause emotional harm to my brother. I did not do it to him.   And Mom was totally justified in her choice.....but, leaving me to do it was wrong,

It is totally unfair that you should be left to implement this unfair policy. Let your Mom send a letter to her explaining that she doesn't want her to know when she passes and why. But...you should not be in the position of feeling that you have to cause anyone anguish.
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All good answers, but remember this; You can pick you nose and you can pick you friends, but you cannot pick your relatives. Do what your heart tells you is best. In this case if it were me, I would honor mom's wishes.
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I would follow Moms wishes.
Let your sister know Mom has passed and where she is buried
in about 6 months to a year after.
You have the paperwork to do as your Mom wants.
So be it.
Sad some family members are like that.
Listen you to your mother she know best.

Good luck with your sister
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I am considered the "crazy" sister because I do not operate the way my family operates. I am not interested in drinking all night and partying. I attend church and have a relationship with Jesus. The problem I have is my parents want ME to be in charge of their affairs because they said, "We know you will do the right thing." I do not want to be in charge of their affairs because I won't deal with the other siblings ( 4 of them ) who criticize and will want me to do things their way. I have asked my parents to visit me at my home but they won't because they cannot put their alcohol down to have dinner. I have told my parents to spend their money on what they want to do and their own care, as I do not want their money. The other siblings are so angry because they want money. I have told my parents I do not want to have to deal with that. I will not be in charge of their care because the siblings will want me to take care of them in our home to save money for the will. My question to them is, "What gives you the idea that your parents owe you an inheritance?" Do what you feel your heart is leading you to do, regardless of your mother's wishes. I will not follow my parents wishes as it will be emotionally damaging to me and my family. You have to take care of you because you have to live with the decision the rest of your life. By the way, when I got married for the second time to my husband, NO ONE from my family was invited because we did not want the drama.........
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Honor your mother's wishes. When everything is done and over with then write your sister a letter letting her know and the reasons why.
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You are not under any obligation to give your sister information.
Your mother has expressed her wishes clearly and consistently.
You plan, in any case, once the cremation and memorial service are safely out of the way, to behave civilly and give your sister an opportunity to pay her respects - ! - if she wishes to.

The situation is far from ideal, but your handling of it is. Or I think so, anyway.
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