I know, the question sounds insane. You would almost have to have grown up in my family to understand why I'm even asking. So here's the background info. My mom is in a NH with close to end-stage Alzheimer's. I have spent my health taking care for her for over 10 years while my do-nothing sister angled for her money, stole from her, verbally abused her, and tried to kidnap her once. (Yes, she tried to take my mom to her state--with no one's knowledge-- so she could have access to mom's social security check.) Don't misunderstand the words "spent my health"; I would do it again in a heartbeat. Spent my health simply states a fact that every caregiver who actually cares, understands.
Mom has been in a nursing home for almost 3 years. Although my sister is retired, she has never visited mom once and never asked how she is doing. The only thing she's ever showed any interest in is my mother's belongings. But that aside.
My mom specifically TOLD me not to even tell my sister when she dies. She said this years ago when she was more cognizant, and she stuck to it.
My sister is bossy, a drama queen, and has a penchant for chaos. She likes to "take over" for the sake of taking over. In the past 20 years, she has come to see my mom about 7 times and has called her only 5 times: New Years Day, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Her Birthday, and Christmas. The times she visited, it was for the purpose of having a NY crash pad, NOT to spend time with my mother.
In my mother's last months before going into the nursing home, when her dementia was getting worse, my sister called often. Once, she called while I was there. My mom sat there looking so scared and upset that I took the phone away from her ear. What I heard was nothing less than abusive vitriol, so I hung the phone up. My poor mom....
Anyway, now my sister has resurfaced. I could go on and on about her taking my mom's jewelry and saying she would only help me care for our mom if I paid her $800 a month, but I won't. There are a million terrible stories I could tell, but I won't. The point is, I deeply distrust her, she may have mental problems, and she would definitely cause a scene if she came to my mom's memorial.
Before my mom's diagnosis, she said she wanted to be cremated and that she did not want a funeral. I told my sister, figuring that she, too, should be aware of my mom's wishes. She said "NO! NO!," in a very definitely way, as if the decision were her's, and proceeded to take my head off verbally.
My mom signed paperwork with an attorney designating me as the person with authority to dispose of her remains. I plan to carry out her wishes. There will be no funeral per mom's wishes, but I am choosing to do a simple memorial service after she is cremated.
Though sis has resurfaced (she was previously ignoring my texts and attempts to connect), she has STILL not asked about our mom. That tells me everything I need to know. I see so clearly now that she could care less.
When my mom first told me not to tell my sister when she died, I didn't protest, but I had no intention of doing something so over-the-top. Now I see the wisdom in it. I'm seriously considering doing just that. Letting her know after the fact, "Mom passed away on such and such date. Per her wishes there was no funeral. She has been cremated and her cremains are buried at such and such cemetery."
I just want my mom's memorial to be drama-free and that will NOT happen with my sister around.