Should I move my Mom and Aunt into a house with an in home caregiver?

Hi Jodi, I want to share my experience with what you are contemplating.

My narc dad, with vascular dementia, was miserable in a board and care home. He had a roommate that was almost completely blind, had a permanent cath and some bowel incontinence.

They decided they were going to move out. Okay. The POA for J and myself thought they could actually pull it off. Kinda supporting one another, have a live in with a day time caregiver for 8 hours. Price wise they could manage it and be able to have what they wanted.

We interviewed caregivers, found what we thought was a perfect fit, everyone got along and liked one another.

Found a woman that would be their live in roommate, she wouldn't pay anything, just being there overnight and get paid for any hours she had to caregive.

Found a house that met all the needs. Got everything set in motion and before we could even get through the application process, a bickering attitude descended on the bunch. Who got what bedroom, who was buying what furniture, what and when they were going to eat, yada, yada, yada. Then the daytime caregiver informs use that she is moving across country in 6 weeks.

The guys were adamant that they didn't need anyone anyways. They could manage.

Thank God the application was denied.

I can't imagine what I would have been dealing with had the move happened and then the caregiver drops her bomb and the petty bickering, which would have driven the live-in away. With 2 men that needed care and stedfastly denied needing help.

If your mom is able, tell her to move wherever she wants. Put boundaries in for what you are willing to listen to and do for her. Just because she calls doesn't mean you need to answer. She is going to be miserable no matter how many burning hoops you jump thru for her. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. You matter!

As others have said, your aunt can get public assistance if she outlives her money.

Please do not try this. It has the potential to ruin your life. From someone who thought the same situation might actually work. I still praise The Lord that He stopped me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Because I would have been the one dealing with the mess and I am not equipped to forgo my life to prop 2 stubborn seniors up.

This is all going to be a different story in a month. Stay strong.

Hi! welcome back!

I'm just supporting those who say you will need 2 caregivers. Right now your LOs may not have any medical issues. In the eventuality that they do, you will probably need a differently qualified caregiver, like one certified for fall-risk patients, dispense meds, wound care, change caths, IVs... this will not be less expensive than a facility. They have a higher hourly rate and right now there's a severe labor shortage. You seem to be only thinking about the near future, but things will constantly change as their bodies decline along with their minds. You don't need to "save" them money. They use their money for their care and then they can qualify for Medicaid when they run out. Maybe go into some posts on this forum that address end-stages to see what LOs go through so you can envision a likely reality and not a romanticized here-and-now. It's all hard and you are doing such hard work for them -- blessings to you! Please take care of *yourself* in all of it...

Have you thought about hiring a geriatric care manager to help you sort this out?

Maybe focus on treating your Mom's issues separate from your aunt's issues?

You did good Jodi, coming up with new ideas. And asking here was very wise, glad you came back!

Keep on thinking.....

HI, Xray! Good to hear from you!

A 6 pack might work, but only one that has lots of experience caring for dementia patients. At some point, aunt will need more than that, even so.

A house requires upkeep, maintenance, snow and leaf removal. And the medical appointments for 2 people? That would all be on you.

Talk to the MC about what happens when aunt runs out of money. Either they have Medi-Cal beds, or they find her one in a NH? They've faced this before.

You would need at least two caregivers maybe three. Are you prepared to set mom up as the employer to the three? All the accounting, caregiver agreements, etc?

And you know mom will not be happy wherever she is. And add having to deal with two of them on a daily basis? I think you know the answer.

Hi xray, good to see you.

Sounds like a really bad idea to me. The aunt will need 24 hour care, and likely more than one person to caregive. That alone will cost well above 200,000 a year at the average caregiver wage, and probably even more with your mom there as well. Not to mention how disorienting moving such a long distance would be for a dementia patient. It borders on cruelty to do that to her.

Leave them where they are, if your Mom is a narc she won't be happy anywhere, so don't worry about that, worry about safety.

They're not going to put a MC patient out on the street if she runs out of money. She may have to move to a Medicaid bed, but she'll manage.

Will the caregiver be able to put up with your miserable narcissist mother? For how long before she gives up and quits? What will you do then?

I don't see how one person can take care of two very high maintenance people 24/7 and not get burn out quickly.

Good to see your name again, xray.

On the surface, it looks like a good idea.

Even a full-time caregiver needs time off, so you will need a second caregiver.

Your Aunt needing MC would require 24/7 supervision. This may require a team of people.

A narcissist will be miserable anywhere, and can make the people living in the home miserable also.

All medical care would need to be outside the home, there will not be a nurse on-call unless one is on the team and does home visits. Same with a doctor.

A caregiver cannot do 24/7 care and clean the house without neglecting the client that needs memory care.

There will need to be separate staff for errands, shopping, and driving, because one client/patient cannot be left home alone.

What you describe is like a 6-Bed CRCC (a private certified home that cares for about 6 people), AND has a full staff to do so.

Who will be doing the home maintenance and gardening?

Just some things to consider....mostly things I have read on here.