My Mother is in an ALF with dementia. I live 6 hrs away and siblings who live nearby do nothing. Should I move her near me?

Are you her Durable POA and Healthcare POA?

Is she able to understand that you want to move her near you?

Does she have strong bonds with the people at her existing AL?

I'd weigh that to see if it's best to move her. Some say it's risky to move a dementia patient, but I did and it was a great thing. My cousin did much better after her move, but each case is different.

Do you have a place picked out that would meet her needs? It would be great to be able to visit her more often and confirm her condition with your own eyes. I'd say that's worth a lot.

Is she private pay at her facility? I'd explore her finances to see how that would work. If she's on Medicaid, you would need to apply for it in a new state.
I'd also consult with an Attorney before selling any of real estate. It could have consequences on her eligibility for some services like Medicaid down the road. It's doable, but I'd find out the rules and plan.

If the family isn't involved, doesn't visit etc. I'm sure I wouldn't ask their input. I may tell them when the move happens, but if they don't ever see her, they probably wouldn't notice the difference. I know it's family. Sometimes you do things to keep the peace. I'd do what I felt was right and have peace with it.

All my mother's family lived less than 5 miles from her but couldn't be bothered one iota. I lived 1800 miles away, but it was all on me. Or so I thought.

2+ years later, I realize that I self-assigned a lot of responsibility because that is my personality. To fill in, clean up, help out, close the gaps. I get myself into a lot of work this way. I also did all her personal business/financial paperwork & payments. Somebody had to.

There was a reason nobody wanted to have anything to do with her. She treated everyone very badly since day 1. She was mean, offensive, loud, and very unpleasant more than she wasn't. This is the consequence of scraping your boots on people for decades. She acted that way due to psychiatric problems that were never treated plus advancing dementia, but it didn't matter. The bridges were burned.

Still, the woman was unsafe alone, no longer living in reality, missing doctor appointments, hoarding spoiled food, and acting very strangely. Something had to happen before there was going to be an accident, said the little voice in my head.

I did move her 1800 miles to be near me. For the better part of these past couple years, it has been really, really difficult. Mom has a lot of issues, and was hospitalized a few times. It seemed like there was some big crisis every few months.

She had a period of very rapid decline for about 18 months or so. I wonder if it was the move or if it would have happened anyway. I'll never know.

Practically speaking, I often wondered what I had done to myself and my family. All those people who were arms' length from my mom were also absent, silent, and missing when it came time to move her, empty out the house, or deal with any of the legal & financial matters.

I'm an only child though. I have no siblings with opinions who could make trouble. Yes, you are going to need an attorney. You will need durable POA for her. If you are in another state, you will have to get a new one done locally, as there is no such thing as a universal POA document at this time. They vary by state.

If you move her, track the expenses for tax purposes. Boxes, bubblewrap, mileage, moving services, all that.

Be fully aware of what you'll be assigned to once you move her nearby. Be aware of your own motivations. Lots of people have told me how lucky mom is to have me taking care of her, I'm a saint, blah blah blah. I don't think so. For a time, I felt like I did what had to be done. But now, I don't know that it had to be done the way I thought.

I think I would make a plan that works for you and your mom. I'd look into plane travel and make sure that is something she can handle. If the siblings have health issues that prevents them from visiting her, then they should be fine with your plan.

I know that I am about a 25 minute drive from my loved one in Memory Care and it still involves a lot of time. I can't imagine doing it long distance. I wish you both the best.

Just remember if you do move MOTHER close to you, that CAREGIVING IS A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY!

Llamalover47..Thankless job too..however there are those of us who do what we feel is right and best for our family members with closed eyes and ears to those who do nothing and can only criticize. In my heart I know I am doing my best..and I am my own best judge..Happy Holidays!

My dad is pretty functional and has only mild dementia, but I often wish my sister and I had not moved him to be near us after my mom died. He was very connected to the city where he lived and friends he'd had for years; moving him was very disorienting and took him out of the context he loved. We were completely surprised by how much my dad's life contracted once he moved...no longer the gregarious guy who made friends with everyone on the street; now he avoids people in his retirement community and lives for me or my fiance to take him for drives.

Then again, he might have died if we'd left him in his apartment. So it's such a tough call. Can you hire someone to be with your mom more of the time? Can a social worker take care of some of the stuff you do long distance? It is a tough call--I would just evaluate how attached mom is to her current environs and how difficult it will be for her to move. And also how difficult it would be for you to have her with you full-time...taking care of things long distance is stressful but so is being with a loved one with dementia every day! All the best to you and keep us posted.

Thank you all for your input. It has been very helpful.
Just to update you, after Christmas, I decided it would be best for me to keep Mom where she is.
We brought her to her home for a huge family dinner and I watched her lack of interaction with almost everyone. I also observed how the extended family acted. I honestly think they are scared of an old person. The granddaughters who picked her up and took her back to AL broke down in tears after both trips. I think some people just can't handle this stuff.
I am in the process of selling her house and am finding the same lack of help in cleaning out the house. Memories, pain, ok I can do it and I get it, it's not for everybody.
Back to her living place, I realized that if I moved her near me, I would have NO ONE to assist if I go on vacation or anything else. (And I am planning a 2 week vacation) At least where she is now I have a network of people I can beg- or pay, to step in when I can't.
Who knows maybe I'll reconsider down the road. I'll be in touch.

I am the eldest daughter of a large family, spread geographically all over the U.S. I investigated moving my elderly parents to NC (where I live) from FL because my mother is rapidly declining (due to advanced Alzheimers).

My older brother is a stock broker specializing in retirement planning (and Sr. VP of his firm). He advised me of "filial responsibility laws." While not often used to obtain payment from relatives for an indigent family member's care, as state funding has diminished some suggest it will be invoked more often. See if your state is a filial responsibility state here. graphics8.nytimes/packages/pdf/health/NOA/30states.pdf

Long story short, my parents will stay in FL. All of my siblings (and I) except one live in filial responsibility states, and even though my husband said "WE WILL PAY FOR YOUR PARENTS" if my parents become indigent, my siblings could be held financially liable and they do not want my parents to move. They are not in a position to help in any way physically.

We do the best we can, but I will not claim it is easy (emotionally or financially). Good lcuk!

"Vegsister" brings up a very good point. In my case, my 87-year-old father still volunteers and attends bible study regularly at their church; these activities are the most important thing keeping him physically and mentally active. Their medical care and network of friends is more available where they currently reside.

That's right Robimar. You have to do what is right in your heart and not let nay sayers drag you down.