Should I move my husband home for adult day care? - AgingCare.com

Should I move my husband home for adult day care?

Follow
Share

Hi. Recently, I had to move my husband to an assisted living facility with memory care because he has sundowning. He also refused to take his medication. These are new developments that popped up unexpectedly. I could no longer care for him properly because I have a full-time job. After a month in the assisted living with proper med management, his sundowning is more controlled and he is taking other meds. He does not like living there, although he is adjusting. Since he is doing better with a new med regimen, I am thinking of bringing him home and enroll him in an adult day care with med management. He will be home with me at night. Is this a good idea?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
8

Answers

Show:
I get it, Hongta. I feel guilty every day that Dad is in Memory Care. I know that I can care for him here, but I also know the cost not just to me, but to my husband, my adult children, and my grandchildren. And I know he will decline, but I'm pretty sure I could still do it. But, I can't do that to my own family again. But I still feel guilty... It's been almost 4 months now.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm big on telling my family stories. If you'll permit me...

My wonderful, gentle uncle developed dementia in his early 60s. He and my aunt retired to Florida, far away from family. They were very private people, very concerned with appearances.

Sons in the mid west knew dad had dementia, but their mom said it was all fine, she was managing. One son showed up on a business trip and surprised his parents.

My aunt was black and blue. Uncle wanted to wander out of the condo on the highway at night. Aunt locked the door and kept the key. He beat her to get the key.

Uncle was placed in memory care, where he adjusted. Aunt died of a massive heart attack about 3 months after he was placed. She was certain he couldn't live without him. In fact, he lived for three more happy years there, secure and we'll cared for.

Be his wife. Visit, eat with him, take him to activities. Have a life outside too.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Please don't feel guilty. You can't control this horrible disease and you can never predict the path it will take. We are never prepared. You couldn't have done things differently as you couldn't possibly have known the future or have changed the course of events. We all do what we think best at the time. Your husband knew you loved him and would do what was best for his care and he would not want you to feel this way. Continue being a loving wife visiting and advocating for him. Hugs!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thank you all for the advice. This is very helpful. My head says I am doing the right thing; my heart needs to catch up.

My husband still has some cognitive functions to know what this place is. He likes the people there, but he feels I abandoned him. I breaks my heart when he says that. It is heart-wrenching watching him depressed at the place. I keep asking myself: What the h*ll am I doing? Why am I causing him more anguish?

It's only been three years since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and during those three years, I was his primary caregiver. It was hard and sometimes frustrating, but I love him so much that I bent over backward to please him. And then bam (!), sundowning hit and it blindsided me. It was so sudden that I didn't have time to prepare for the loss. It feels like someone grabbing my skin and flaying it. It was my fault for not expecting the unexpected. We should have discussed in advanced more about the future, but I guess I was too scared to talk about it and he did not want to face it. I am not faulting him for not wanting to deal with the eventuality, but I am regretting for not pushing the issue sooner and doing something more! I will carry this guilt until I die.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Daycare is not responsible for his Meds. They are not allowed to force people to do anything they don't want to do. I think if he is doing well in an AL than leave him there. They will always want to go home.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I agree with Gladimhere above, do NOT quit your job. I was glad I didn't, it was my place to be sane, and a reason to get out of bed in the mornings.

As you already know, sundowning will only get worse and not better. If you brought hubby home, you would find yourself on limited sleep and lack of sleep will create health issues for you to a point where you will crash and burn from exhaustion :(

Try not to have guilt do the talking. You did the right thing for your hubby and for yourself. You need to be his "wife", and not his "caregiver" at this point in time because you cannot be both.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It's more controlled now but remember this disease progresses. It will only get worse with time. If he is doing well in the AL keep him there and visit often. It will be better for you both in the long run if you're the caring wife who visits him in AL and not the frustrated, resentful 24/7 caregiver.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

No! His adjustment will continue in assisted living. Each move causes decline. Leave him where he is unless you are ready to quit your job then have to shop for AL all over again. Quitting your job should not be an option.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions