Hi. Recently, I had to move my husband to an assisted living facility with memory care because he has sundowning. He also refused to take his medication. These are new developments that popped up unexpectedly. I could no longer care for him properly because I have a full-time job. After a month in the assisted living with proper med management, his sundowning is more controlled and he is taking other meds. He does not like living there, although he is adjusting. Since he is doing better with a new med regimen, I am thinking of bringing him home and enroll him in an adult day care with med management. He will be home with me at night. Is this a good idea?
My wonderful, gentle uncle developed dementia in his early 60s. He and my aunt retired to Florida, far away from family. They were very private people, very concerned with appearances.
Sons in the mid west knew dad had dementia, but their mom said it was all fine, she was managing. One son showed up on a business trip and surprised his parents.
My aunt was black and blue. Uncle wanted to wander out of the condo on the highway at night. Aunt locked the door and kept the key. He beat her to get the key.
Uncle was placed in memory care, where he adjusted. Aunt died of a massive heart attack about 3 months after he was placed. She was certain he couldn't live without him. In fact, he lived for three more happy years there, secure and we'll cared for.
Be his wife. Visit, eat with him, take him to activities. Have a life outside too.
My husband still has some cognitive functions to know what this place is. He likes the people there, but he feels I abandoned him. I breaks my heart when he says that. It is heart-wrenching watching him depressed at the place. I keep asking myself: What the h*ll am I doing? Why am I causing him more anguish?
It's only been three years since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and during those three years, I was his primary caregiver. It was hard and sometimes frustrating, but I love him so much that I bent over backward to please him. And then bam (!), sundowning hit and it blindsided me. It was so sudden that I didn't have time to prepare for the loss. It feels like someone grabbing my skin and flaying it. It was my fault for not expecting the unexpected. We should have discussed in advanced more about the future, but I guess I was too scared to talk about it and he did not want to face it. I am not faulting him for not wanting to deal with the eventuality, but I am regretting for not pushing the issue sooner and doing something more! I will carry this guilt until I die.
As you already know, sundowning will only get worse and not better. If you brought hubby home, you would find yourself on limited sleep and lack of sleep will create health issues for you to a point where you will crash and burn from exhaustion :(
Try not to have guilt do the talking. You did the right thing for your hubby and for yourself. You need to be his "wife", and not his "caregiver" at this point in time because you cannot be both.