Our mother is now in a facility. I have a brother who is an addict (part-time) and thinks he can keep her in mom and dad's house. Should we let him try?

Have you asked the doctor what stage she is? If she is where she needs to be for her own safety and best care, then why do you feel a need to rescue her and rescue her from what when as you say that you have too much going on in your life to care for her 24/7 which is not something a family member should take on? How is your sister making you feel guilty and why are you choosing to let her intimidate you for it does not sound like she is any help? What, if any, work does your brother do and what is he addicted to. I've not heard of a part time addict? It sounds to me like there's a lot of emotional blackmail being thrown at using using Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Set some reasonable boundaries, choose to not let them push your buttons and if you can't get a qualified therapist to help you with this. I wish you well. It sounds like you need to primarily take good care of yourself so that you don't end up really needing to be rescued.

If your mother is safe and well cared for in the facility, I suggest you leave her there. If you take her out and put her in your brother's care, how will you know when he is "gone"? Alz can progress rapidly and in unsuspected ways. She will need 24/7 care. It doesn't sound like your brother can provide that. If he can't take care of her, what happens if she wanders away, turns on the stove, falls, etc.?

Do what is best for your mom, not your brother or sister.

NO! WITH A CAPITAL N. MANY MOTHERS LIKE YOURS HAVE WALKED AWAY AND NOT GOOD NEWS.

If your brother is an addict, he is an addict 24/7 whether he uses or not. It would not be safe to leave your mother with him. I think you have mad to correct choice to have mom in a care unit. It is difficult when siblings don't agree with you, but since you have been the primary caregiver, you need to be OK with your choice

If it is at all humanly possible I vote to try it. The key word is "trying".
From my own experience, a 24/7 facility is the last stop in life's path. The indignity of the nursing home is as an assist in finishing off the weak and disabled.
If your brother thinks it is possible then try it. It may even help him in his own abdication problem by assuming more of the responsibility. What do you have to lose?

Just for the record, there is no such thing as a part time addict- that's like saying that someone is slightly pregnant- you either are or your not! Addicts are charming, manipulative and unreliable. If mom is currently in a memory care unit there is a reason otherwise she would be in a less supervised environment. It's not easy to judge the care she actually needs vs the care that you think she needs. It's your call and you've spoken your concerns, so if you do allow this you and only you will be responsible for the outcome and personal responsibility that you will take on. Good luck and god bless.

ABSOLUTELY NOT! You would not be doing your mom nor your brother and good, it is putting temptation right into his lap! A facility is a much better place and he won't have access to the drugs, you can all rotate visitation

I agree that you cannot be an addict part time. Your mother is in a good place and I would leave her there. Don't feel guilty that you can't keep her full time. I keep my mother full time but am a widow and have been able to retire to focus on her. It is a full time job and there are many times that I am overwhelmed. There is lots of stress that just occurs when you are caring for a parent in your home. An addict is more susceptible to this stress. I think you could be putting your mother in danger and causing more stress on yourself. Let the guilt go. Being a caregiver is not for everyone and nobody should feel guilty for not being called to take on that responsibility. There are so many great care centers and you are doing your part by keeping her in a place where she can have all the help she needs. Let the guilt go and spend that time focusing on you and loving your mother. Ask your brother to share visitation with you. God bless.

No. You need to get a grip on your brother's condition. There is no such thing as a part-time addict. You are either an addict or an addict in recovery. His grandiosity in assuming he could care for her is a good indicator that he's not dealing in the reality of the situation. Under no circumstances should he be allowed to care for you mother in her home.
Joanne

Carecoach is correct. Placing your mother with Alz and her prescription medications into the care of an addict is a very bad idea.

My mom is also in a memory care facility and is probably one of the least demented people that lives there but she doesn't seem to realize that and is very happy because she can socialize with other people all day long and doesn't have to worry about anything. I wouldn't suggest taking your mom out.....I think that is probably the best place for her.....

Absoutely NOT!!!!!! An addict will alawys manipulate a situation to their benefit! He will be handling finances (Mediare chjeck) I would assume and that is a means of access to more drugs ir alcolhol! don't think for a minute his intentions are anything other than self driven. Protect your parents at any financial cost, because the emotioonal and physical harm that may come otherwise will be more of a burden and guilt! Good luck and prayers. Pamela

Dear Sasebone,
The answer is NO. She is in a facility and obviously needs to be there. No one can do a 24/7 shift. Most in-home caregivers split the shifts, even with days off. If your sister makes you feel guilty, turn it back on her. She has no more excuse than you do regarding a life. The one thing I've found in having Dad in a facility (after keeping them at home with 24/7 care for 5 years) is that he is safe, has access to nursing and Doctor's care and I don't have to orchestrate it. Selfish, I know, but he is safe. That's good enough for me.

Never depend on someone who is not dependable. Your mother is getting professional care now, why interrupt her life with someone who may or may not be there for her? Living where she is, with staff who will always be there for her, is in her best interest. Your brother can visit on the days he's not an addict if he needs to be with his mother. It would be terribly unfair for her to be home with him as a caretaker and then -poof- he's gone and she is helpless.

No. If he can't be reliable 24/7 he is in no position to offer such help as she needs.

NO! This would be a gravely mistake. Your brother cannot take care of himself as he is a (part-time) addict. Your mom needs 24/7 care something most people don't realize until they are in the situation. If you value your mom and her safety, continue to let her be cared for in a good care unit. You and your siblings can always visit as much as you want. God Bless

What is a "part-time addict?" There is no such thing. Would you leave a child with an addict opposed to someone who is more capable and attentive. I had to put my dad in a nursing facility for his own safety. I am not an addict by no means and I couldn't even provide the care for my dad that he needed. My dad looks absolutely wonderful now and its all because he has 24/7 care by people who specialize in this field. Place your mom in the best of care and get your brother some help.

BONE:

If your addicted brother is unemployed, he's probably offering to take care of her to get drug money. If he uses drugs out of sheer boredom, caring after Mom might give his life a sense of purpose long enough to go straight; but I wouldn't take that risk no matter how tempting the path of least resistance is.

Have to give him some credit though. At least he pitches in a few days a week. Until he makes a decision to resume his life drug free and you and your sister work as a team, Mom is better off in that orphanage for the elderly that their children often don't want.

Here's a big hug from The Bronx, and I wish you the best my friend. Keep us posted.

-- ED

Think how hard it was to get her into care! Why go backwards?

I think that it's easy for your siblings to tell you what to do. But I also think that you have made a wise choice for your Mom. Maybe a different facility where the other patients are in a similar stage as your Mom would be a good compromise & help you to feel better about the situation (that is if such a place exists where you live). I would under no circumstances have your brother the addict be in charge for your Mom's well being.

My broad experience with "caring facilities" is that any patients with sufficient understanding all cry out for the same thing, that is, "I want to go home". The trend in care is in that direction.

Thanks all! If Medicaid comes through for mom we'll keep her there. We have been going on weekends, but went yesterday for a POC meeting and she looked great; seemed happy and was in such good spirits. We were told our mom is in level 3 not as good as we first thought mentally, but that could be because our dad was so ill at the time (passed March 6th) and we didn't pay enough attention to our mom's condition. His was life and death, her's was memory. He grounded her, but that is all gone now.

Dear group, you've kept me grounded through this and I so much appreciate you all.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Sandy