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When I first decided that an Alf was the best solution, with help from this forum, she could use her walker and wheelchair to get around. After a fall and ER visit where multiple tests were run, her doctor recommended hospice. She is now bedridden and sleeps most of the day. I visit twice a day to feed her lunch and dinner.


She begged me to take her to my house which I can’t do. She can’t get up by herself and I can’t lift her by myself. I stayed last night sleeping on an uncomfortable couch. She slept through the night and basically slept through me feeding her oatmeal. She is scheduled for a shower today so that should wake her up! She will resist but I think if I’m not here she will cooperate.


She is basically left alone all day and if she is awake very lonely. I can’t spend all day every day with her. She does make me feel guilty when I leave and when I tell her I can’t care for her in my home. Last night I told her if she continues to say I don’t want her or I’m throwing her away and she never thought her only daughter would be like that, I tell her I’m not going to stay and listen to that. Last night she stopped saying it but will likely say it again.


I think she is lonely and wants someone around to listen to her. In a nursing home she'd have a roommate and hopefully more attention from the nurses. I’ve been told she doesn’t have much time left and even said it would likely be 1-2 weeks so I hesitate to move her. She has outlasted that prognosis which really doesn’t surprise me. She always does things her way.

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I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and my thoughts are certainly with you. Do they have residential Hospice facilities in your area? If so that might be a solution to investigate, it does sound like she needs more care than the AL she's in provides and my sense anyway is that a facility with a higher level of care would make this time easier and more pleasant for both of you. Has she been in this AL long, is she attached to her room and the people? Weighing the benefits and drawbacks of a move for me would include some of those factors at this point given she is on Hospice and it doesn't sound like she is getting out of bed, will it disrupt her or not so much? Those are the pluses and minuses I would be considering if I were in your position I think, as you wisely point out this could go on for a while. You might consult with the Hospice nurse or social worker too about this, they should be there to help guide you through this as well as to care for Mom. Take care of yourself.
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Reply to Lymie61
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It does sound like your mom is lonely. I’m sure that makes you sad. I am not sure what I would want to do. Does she like the facility? Do you like it? Has she mentioned wanting a roommate? Some roommates are great, others not so much. Does she cherish her privacy?

You can’t be there all day, everyday. That’s too hard.

Your mom is probably longing to squeeze in every last minute of her time with you. Manipulative? You don’t make her sound like she is manipulative. She’s just very lonely which is extremely sad.

She’s trying to adjust. I’m sure it’s not easy. Was she close to anyone other than you before the assisted living facility? She may not even feel well enough to participate in any of the activities scheduled at the ALF.

As far as other family members. You know how that goes. You can mention something but if something isn’t in someone’s heart they won’t do it.

Does she attend church? Are there volunteers who visit the elderly? Does she enjoy music? Could you bring some music for her to enjoy? Does she have a television? There are music channels that she could play.

Hospice is incredible. My brother was in an end of life hospice facility where he received excellent care. The assisted living facilities here allow hospice to be sent to residents. Does hers?

Best wishes to you.

Sorry, I don’t think I was much help for you.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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If she is on hospice Most hospice organizations offer volunteer campanionship visits. You should take advantage of this. I’ve been volunteering for about 5 years. Lots of elders have no one left in the world. Your mom is lucky to have you but you need to take care of yourself also. Good luck to you.
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Reply to Windyridge
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First, I'm sorry for your mother's decline.

Be careful about wishing for a roommate...she most likely will get one with very annoying habits, like yelling, cursing loudly, etc. like my MIL has gotten.

Can you do a family rotation of visitation? You say you have children and grands so maybe they'd be willing to come and sit and sing or play music. Doesn't need to be non-stop, just during the daytime, and not every hour. Knowing others are there will also help you. Was she a member of a place of worship? If so I would contact them to see if people there would be willing to come and sit. Or your own church? Blessings!
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Reply to Geaton777
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