I am at the end of my road with caregiving. Should I have my mom placed in assisted living? - AgingCare.com

I am at the end of my road with caregiving. Should I have my mom placed in assisted living?

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I also am a single mom of ten year old son, and after these two years, the stress itself has felt like enough to do me in. I need advice. I hate to do that to her, but when is enough ever enough, and will I ever get to enjoy raising my own little boy in peace, and chase some dreams?? Any advice in this agonizing ordeal is so appreciated. I must mention that I have the paperwork to have her addmited to care home. Kellyb

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Rutrow, I just want to say, that sometimes I feel so bad about the situation I am in and have posted much of my story here and there on some of these post. Reading more of others stories, helps me to not feel alone and is the main reason I have joined this site. I have never heard of getting Doctor recommendations to get POA over your dad. I don't know which state your in, but I am in Michigan. Usually if your parent has ever had a trip to the hospital or a hospital stay for any reason, they will ask if there is a Power of Medical. They always want somebody in charge in case your parent can't make decisions for themselves. Somebody has to be the POA also to handle the financial things. This doesn't take doctors to become that here. ITs just the talking amoungst yourselves to make that decision, and then seeing a lawyer and have a paper make up for it. Please don't quit your job and have your dad move in with you., you will be sorry. I lost my job over losing too much time when my mom was sick. She gets angry whenever I say that is why. But it is the truth. I have to speak up for myself, when I continualy hear her telling others that I lost it because I fought with my boss too much. Then I tell her, why do you think I was having so much trouble at work? It was because I was so busy taking time off for her, that I was barely there to do my job abnd I was going into work tired , and grumpy everyday. Wrong for me to talk about, but sometimes you feel like your going to explode. Please research help centers. You need to tell your brother that this needs to be done.
I just got hired for a new job, starting next week after being unemployed for 2 years now. I am still worried about mom because we have her lined up for assisted living, but she doesn't want to go. My neice is there now to be with her so she is not alone. But this is only temporary. My mom is very angry right now about this and I am not a good caregiver anymore because I am so burned out. YOu will get that way also in a matter of time, and it sounds like you are already having lots of problems. So my suggestion is to call for help. Local Health Department and always talk to your Doctors office, they are always helpful....please know that you can resolve this with help, just seek it out. Make phone calls. I hate to read on here from other people when they say that they feel they owe it to their parents for raising them. The is a big difference between children and older sick people. Children learn to go to the bathroom on their own, bath themselves, and all the other things we teach them to be independent. Elder people only get worse as time goes on. We cannot as human beings provide that care around the clock with out help. Believe me, I am feeling way guilty at times still right now and my mom makes me feel guilty everyday. I now know that I can't do this anymore and I have sacraficed so much of myself that all I have become is angry and not a good caregiver. So I hope you figure this out soon. I have older siblings too, but they both live and hr and a half away. One is sick all the time with his multiple problems, and my sister is dealing with her own husband who has had 4 strokes and now in a NH, and she has COPD. So believe me, there has to be choices made before you go under yourself. .
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Dad has Parkinson's & dementia. My brother has been living in their home rent free for the past 5 years, gets himself a new car every 2 years, buys guns & take off for hunting & sailing regularly. My mom passed away 2 months ago & was the primary caregiver of dad before her illness. I took care of all of mom's Dr appointments & took her grocery shopping for her last year & I almost lost my job for time missed. My brother & I both work full time, I live in a home with my husband about 30 minutes away from dad, the opposite direction from my work (50 minutes drive from work). I pay for home care visits that come in twice a week for their house cleaning & my dad's laundry. My brother & I rotate doctor appointments to minimize time off work and. I visit my dad 1 weekend day for a few hours every other week. I barley keep up with cleaning, cooking & laundry at my house due to my own back problems. My brother is trying to guilt me into coming over more saying that Dad can't take care of himself & fell today and didn't recognise him, I told him I think it is time to sell the house & bring Dad into AL, otherwise he will have a fall & end up in a nursing home or worse. Any suggestions I try to make to my brother, he gets aggressive with me & says I am a terrible daughter. I think he is bullying me because he doesn't want to give up his free accomodations. I am giving everything I have, at the expense of my relationships (My grown boys live an hour away & I rarely get to visit them - they don't drive & live in an apartment surviving on food stamps). My parents have a quit claim deed & everything split 3 ways. I would need 2 doctor's recommendations to get POA over my dad, but my brother will fight this. I'm at a loss of the right direction. Lawyer, State, Quit my job & move dad in with me?
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ya but my mom has alzheimers and cant talk when she wakes up shes in great mood until she stands up realizes her bodies old and then tries to talk- staggers to the couch and lays down and pretends shes asleep and then falls asleep-wont eat if we r around and watches tv but if i walk in she closes eyes and pretends to be asleep...so i dont want her to be in a place where she is expected to socialize cuz she cant and she will fall and break something- she cant have somone there all the time like i can
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Hi Kellyb,
I understand your feelings. I cared for my granny for a long time. She passed away in the comfort of her own home on New Year's Day of this year. I can tell you that It was very challenging and difficult with a full time job, husband, and kids. However, I did my very best with GOD's guidance to care for her. If you have done all that, you can do and feel that you no longer can provide 100% care to your mom then it is time to have someone else to care for her. Please don't think you are giving up on her, but sometimes, the best way to care for a senior loved one is from afar. You can still monitor her progress and health if you decide to put her into a home. So, please don't feel like you are giving up. Have you try to get support at home i.e. homemaker service? Do you have family members that can help? I understand if family members don't want to help...been there. Just remember, if you have done all that you can do to care for your mom, please don't feel bad if you have to put her in a home. Thank you for caring for your MOM, there are many people who don't have anyone to care for him or her at all. Many blessings and care from me to you.
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This is a tough topic I wish I had asked questions here when my sister needed help. She was too fargone with dementia to accept it and we did not think to ask others what they did to get seniors help. Now I think I should have said"The water and power are being cutoff for a few days and there is a real nice place for you to visit just until we get it back."
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To everyone reading this, remember that your children see the way you care for your parent(s) and will in return, care for you the way they see you care for your parent(s). Make sure your children understand the love and admiration you have for your parent and explain to them in a loving manner to why grandma/grandpa need to move. Don't make them think that the move is because you are burdened and/or because of your responsibilities to your children. Kids are smart and they pick up on the way you respond to your parent.
I am a single mother and a caregiver. I have learned so much from my children and I am so thankful that they can see what I do because one day they will be doing it for me.
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Just a word from my experience: my mom entered a RH after a hip op. At first she didn't like it and couldn't wait to return home, but knowing she couldn't take care of herself we had her stay there. Since I was the one visiting, I always felt guilty leaving even though I'd stay for 6 to 8 hours sometimes with her. So I moved her in with me after a year. Today she is gone, and I know she missed the excitement, male and female staff and all the people scoot'en around in their chairs just like her in the RH. I too have my moments of "What if's" My point is this: there may always be something missing - I also know she lived longer with me then had I left her in the home BUT would she have been happier there? We make our best choices for them and have to honor that. Our choices come from love....even if we're at our wits end.
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kellyb, you've done a commendable job, but your son needs you more now. I've recently placed my Mom in Assisted Living and I now believe it's one of the best things I could have done for her. There's a lot to be said for the companionship of people her own age. After an initial adjustment time, she enjoys the activities each day and seems happier and less depressed than when she depended on me for everything.
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YOU CANNOT SACRIFICE YOUR OWN LIFE AND SANITY AND HEALTH. I FINALLY REALIZED THIS WHEN BOTH MY OWN DOCTORS AND MY 90+-YEAR-OLD MOTHER'S DOCTORS ECHOED WHAT MY FREIDNS HAD BEEN SAYING FOR 2 YEARS--YOU CANNOT DO THIS, YOU ARE NEITHER QUALIFIED NOR HEALTHY ENOUGH TO PROVIDE 24/7 SKILLED CARE AND MONITORING, AND VERY SHORTLY YOU ARE LIKELY TO PRE-DECEASE YOUR MOTHER. THEN WHAT HAPPENS TO HER? SHE IS NOW IN A NEARBY,FRIENDLY, NOT SHABBY OR DEPRESSING, 24/7 CARING NURSING HOME WHICH ACCEPTED HER W/JUST HER MEDICARE AND SOCIAL SECURITY, AND I AM ON THE ROAD TO PHYSICAL AND MENTAL RECOVERY AND HAVING A LIFE OF MY OWN.
HANG IN THERE.
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Oh Lord I know how you feel!!! I could just scream, I have dealt with this for 5 years. Doctors say weeks maybe months but he seems to be in better health than me. His mind is gone been gone but he is mean and stubborn. I clean him for poop at least 3 times a day if not more and he will not stay still for me to get it off it usually ends up everywhere. this morning he threw his breakfast at me. If you can put your loved one somewhere. I would but I promised him i would not . No more promises!! God Bless us all
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