My elderly mom fell down a week ago and was admitted to the hospital for surgery as her flesh was peeled off. After multiple surgeries for wound cleaning and skin grafting, she is now insisting to go home. But my family won't be able to take care of her fully for 2 weeks as required by my hospital. We are thinking of sending her to a senior care hospital where there's nurses but she's refusing. Today she called and asked me to lie to her doctor that I can take care of her at home. I refused and she ended the phone call in anger.
Should I have helped her? All I want is the best care for her. We are unable to hire someone at home to help either as her apartment is small.
Sorry I'm ranting from this point onwards... feeling so hurt and helpless as she implying that I'm unfilial and not following her wishes. She loved my brother more than me as I defy her in my younger days. She's not asking him to lie for her but only me... Her words are stabbing my heart today and it feels like I have not done enough for her. My bro being the golden boy in her eyes, will never do wrong by her. Even if he suggested seniorcare, she will think the idea is from me and shut him down. She knows my bro will listen to her in the end and get her home... It just feels like I'm so alone in this decision.
Now I am undecided and feeling conflicted because of her reaction in the phone call. really afraid that if I continued to resist she will hate me and no longer forgive me. So should I lie to her doctor for her?
I so would not care for this woman in my home. If she likes brother best, let him care or set up care for her. Your history with Mom shows this will not work.
Let her be angry. My daughter just finished a book called Boundries by Townsend and cloud. The one thing that stuck out for her was
"When you say NO, you are not responsible for how people respond to that"
Most popular on this forum
"Guilt is self imposed" and "No is a one word sentence"
Reassure your mother with regular visits as she may be fearing things are being taken away from her control ('They are going to leave me here and then ship me off into a facility!') - such are the machinations of the elderly, particularly when confused after a fall, as realisation of incapacity starts to sink in.
Anger is a response to fear, so don't let it tear you apart; and try to keep a clear line of communication with family to avoid projecting doubts onto yourself - solidarity in the interests of mother's wellbeing will outnumber any of her protestations. You are doing the right thing!
Your mother needs to complete her recovery in the appropriate clinical setting, where professional wound care and therapies are available. Nobody is locking her away, nobody is abandoning her. If she *really* wants to get back to her home, the best way to do it is to work conscientiously with the team at the SNF to ensure she heals fully. Tell her to grit her teeth and knuckle down to it.