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My bfn and I have had some major problems, but while being his father's caregiver, we just put our problems on the back burner. I cared for his dad five years, and he was a good man. He cared a lot about me. After dad passed away in May of last year, my bfn has not done one thing he said he would do.........getting me a used car, was and is important, as we live out in the country. I am in the middle of disability, but still wanted to move away.
Now, my bfn has lung cancer, and I do want to be by his side.
The house is to go to his oldest son and he has made it clear that him and his sister's are going to sell it. It is an old double wide and I am scared that they will ask me to leave, after my man passes.
Can my bfn, draw up a will allowing me to live here for a few months. By then I should be close to getting my disability....I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, that leaves me with chronic pain.
I did love my boyfriend very much at one time, now I'd like to think we are friends. And, I do want to care for him.
My question is, am I being smart by having him add to his will that I can stay for a few months. And when is the right time to bring this up?
Thanks,
Dina

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Dina, I thought your post sounded familiar, I came across this one you had written earlier https://www.agingcare.com/questions/worried-family-is-preparing-ahead-of-time-198692.htm
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Thanks, they are all good answers. Funny, i ne
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Also, my father died of lung cancer one year after surgery. The man my mother was remarried to died 3 months after his diagnosis. There is just no telling.

Sorry that you are struggling in so many ways. Your life is valuable too!
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Pamstegma, that is it, exactly! Good advice, because while pressured and guilty to care for Bf, Msgreynite is not likely to make big changes just yet. But future affordable housing is a good plan.
Msgreynite, you should plan to accept the housing imnediately when offered, and not wait for your convenience. The waiting lists are long.
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My advice is to get on a waiting list for subsidized housing for disabled seniors. When the opening comes, take it, notify the kids you are leaving. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
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Cute kitty as your avatar!
Where are your parents, children? Any family?
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Agreeing with the above posters, they could not have said what they did any nicer!
Go to classes that teach how to be a caregiver, maybe get a degree or certificate.
Separate your career choice or calling from your personal relationship, or choice of a bf or husband.
Go to therapy to discover your true underlying motives to get your own needs met
through a dysfunctional relationship.
You mentioned inheriting a double-wide-could you set your sights a little higher?, maybe like the others who mentioned becoming self-supporting in a career that would satisfy your choices?
Don't settle for less now that the time is short for your own self to be fully functioning into your later years. Bf dies, and whether or not you have a home, where do you see yourself in 5 more years? There will always be people needing caregiving, but you have not wisely planned out any viable future for yourself.
That doesn't sound smart at all. imo.
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I've been wondering as well how someone with so many medical conditions and RA to the level of being on SSDI can also have the strength, stamina and flexibility to take care of some one else.

But if you feel it's your "destiny" to be a caregiver, find an agency that will give you training and pay you so you can learn to be self supporting and not reliant on someone else.
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My turn to be a bit blunt. Seems to me you are sticking your head in the sand willingly. You seem to see the situation for what it is but are choosing to accept it under the guise of bring a compassionate caregiver. Compassionate caregiving is all well and good but when this stint comes to an end you are most likely going to be penniless and homeless. Don't you think it's time to take care of you?
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As far ad my R . A., i am under a doctor's care. I perform yoga and am active, until i get a flare up. There are some other issues with my ribs and sternum.......apparently RA can effect a lot. I thank you, again
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Thank you Garden Artist. I am blunt myself, so i appreciate it. Yes, i know he is using me......infact he is misogynist and i have a smart mouth. It has been over a long time. We have not even slept together in the same bed, since May of last year.Even if he is using me, I will s
If he wants me to go, i will. But, this is my destiny.....taking care of people who are sick. It means something, just do not know what.sometimes, cancer changes one's priorities. I just want him to be comfortable.
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Sorry, sometimes i do refer to him as my husband, coompn law, bf.....when his dad was alive, it was easier to say my father-in-law, instead of boyfriend's dad.
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Did I err in interpreting BFN to be your abbreviation of boyfriend, instead of BF?

I just checked your profile and found this:

"I am caring for my husband, Dina, who is 58 years old, living at home and the primary ailment is cancer." and

"Just lost my fil, last May. It was a long five years. He had his faults, but I really loved him and miss him.
Now, my husband ( whom i was seriously planning to seperate from ), has lung cancer.
We have had problems for years, and now is worse.
I am still numb and ache for him."

Is this man your husband or your boyfriend? If he's your husband and plans to leave his assets to his son, and you're concerned about being forced out of the home you shared with your husband, I think there are some more serious issues in this relationship than that of a woman who wants to care for a boyfriend.

Inconsistences like this make it difficult to assess the real situation and provide helpful answers. If you are married, e.g., and if NC is a community property state, you might have 1/2 rights to the home. This is something that a poster might ordinarily research for you, but the confusion or lack of clarification in the status of your relationship doesn't justify research at this point.



I am caring for my husband, Dina, who is 58 years old, living at home and the primary ailment is cancer.
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Your BF hasn't lived up to earlier statements and provided the assets you mentioned.

What's changed to make you think that he would even consider adding you to his will? And frankly, why should he when you're available for free?

I'm being very blunt b/c I think it's time for you to see the real situation. You're being used.

He wants to leave his assets to his family, not you. Maybe he's trying to give you a hint, perhaps he's just being blunt, but either way, it's time for you to make a life of your own and move on. Waiting until disability benefits come through isn't an option, more like an excuse. Start living your own life, today.

In the meantime, ask the doctor who treats you for RA about pain meds, PT, or some method of adapting. I know 3 people who also have had RA, 2 since childhood, but they're survivors. They learned to adapt and make a life for themselves. Two even went to college. Granted that everyone has a different level of RA seriousness, but it can be faced head-on, and you'll gain strength and self confidence to last you for the rest of your life, instead of relying on someone who doesn't seem to value your involvement.

Don't see this so-called BF as a way out - make your own life and your own decisions and don't rely on him or his family. Once he dies of lung cancer, they'll probably boot you out anyway.

And, repeating, I'm very blunt b/c I think it would be more helpful for you in the short and long run to see this situation as it really is.
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