Should I go home to take care (clean house, provide transportation to medical visits etc) of my abusive Mother and Father (ages 79 & 83)? - AgingCare.com

Should I go home to take care (clean house, provide transportation to medical visits etc) of my abusive Mother and Father (ages 79 & 83)?

Follow
Share

He has lung disease and is on oxygen. The oxygen started about a month ago. His prognosis is unclear but my brother said the diagnosis is Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis + Emphysema. The IPF was diagnosed about 8 years ago but there was no progression until very recently. My mother uses emotional abuse as a tool to try to manipulate me into doing things for her. She has threatened suicide. She lies and says that I went to Florida for the winter even though she asked me to stay because my Father was sick. My Father was fine at the time of my departure and she did not ask me to stay. The stress of her lifelong emotional abuse of me (and my Father's complicit choice to not call her out on it) has resulted in my own health issues. I did leave for Florida for the primary reason of avoiding my parents during the holidays. At this time they both have colds and in a phone conversation today (the first real conversation since October - she wasn't speaking to me) she said they are both "failing" and "don't have much time". When I asked if they wanted me to come back to help them the only response was "that's your choice" (my father parroted that response in the background). When I suggested they hire cleaning help (not a problem financially) she said they didn't want to be there while they are cleaning and they can't leave since they "have nowhere to go" - (unsaid - because I left them alone).

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
31

Answers

Show:
Here is an idea for caregivers....
If you would not be willing to clean houses for a living or drive seniors to appointments for an income, you are likely not going to want to do it for your parents, who will make more demands. These two things can easily be hired out. Moving in to do that for them one should have their head examined first, and recall how difficult it may have been to leave the first time after college....
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Never, never, never go back to take care of an abusive parent! You got out once, don't look back. If you're still stressing over them, please get some counseling so you can see that you don't owe your parents your mental or physical health. Live your life and take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

No, definitely, no. Lead your own life. They can hire people to help them.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

If they don't want to be there "while they're cleaning" that's their problem. Why would you uproot your life to do things like make sure they have someone to drive them around while the house is being cleaned? I think you know the answer to your question but you just need some support because your parents make you feel guilty. Live your life. Abusive parents don't change.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

No! I see no reason to put yourself through what likely would be years of torment, especially since they never said they needed you--only "that's your choice". It sounds to me like they're laying a guilt trip on you. They also sound like they have their mental faculties. No, no, no.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Oh my goodness--NO!!!!

You want to willingly step back into the role of Cinderella?? I think not.

Mom and Dad's manipulation shine through your post like a beacon. You go back and you'll be in misery again.
I used to try to clean for my mother. Her apt is attached to brother's house. I THOUGHT I was doing a good thing for my mother. She never said much, just not to throw anything away, and other than obvious garbage, I didn't. (In my thinking, a completely dead plant IS garbage....so.....I got kicked in the teeth.) She never said anything, rather let my very hostile brother say it for her. To hear him, you'd think Satan had showed up to work. I threw out a completely dead plant. Horrors!

Do I go back and clean anymore? Not on your life. I won't even put a dish in the sink. Mother is so passive aggressive--and brother is angry at the world. Why go into that environment?

So sad--mom and dad can't go to a movie or the mall for 2 hours? Well, that's on them.

And using that "We're failing" line....honest to goodness, we're on deathbed #30 with mother....why is it people like that live forever, and so miserably??

How you were treated is called ABUSE. Don't walk willingly back into it.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Heavens, no. If they really cared about you they wouldn't have treated you the way they have all of your life.

I also spent the holidays away from my 90 yo narcissistic mother. She quit speaking to me a couple of months before Thanksgiving, which was also her birthday, then called me last of all the family, acting like I would of course show up for it all. I said no thanks and had a good time home alone with my cats and books. I also skipped Christmas because the thought of having to see her and her flying monkeys made me nauseous.

My mother lies to me and about me and has been mean to me all of my life. I was miserable growing up and left the day I finished high school at 17. I stayed gone for 43 years and was totally estranged the last 15 years of that.

I had a change of heart and moved back a year ago but find that she is worse than ever. She's selfish, mean and completely lacking in empathy. She can't understand anything but thinks she's a genius and talks down to me. Her voice and facial expressions look like the Wicked Witch. I now live three miles from her and can't stand seeing her or her handwriting or hearing her voice--it takes me a month to feel better after any contact. I can't talk anything through with her or be honest and straightforward because she becomes furious and retaliatory. She is truly mentally ill and there is no fix.

These people don't change and there is little good in them, unless it's for show. Please don't give up any more of your life, health or happiness to these mean people.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

NO!!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I absolutely concur with all the great advice given above. Selfish abusive people rarely
rarely change (trust me you'll know it if and when they do) and will do so only if they
are left alone to figure it out. Since they don't usually get better at being kind and supportive, what they do end up doing is getting better at being abusive, selfish and manipulative. No no no no no, do not go back for a second helping of abuse. Once
is enough.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Yes, malignant narcissists can be "failing" for decades. The reality is that aging care
can last for many years, and an abusive elder can destroy their caregiver's lives without
a thought. Deep deep down I do think they're suffering and thus deserve compassion-but from a distance. They're drowning in their self created misery and will do absolutely anything to transfer that hate and misery to you. Once they see you bowed under by their abuse and negativity, instead of feeling compassion, they feel joy. Everything with them is backwards to normal human emotions. Don't get trapped!!!!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions