Should I give the keys back or say no?

You put the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth just behind your front teeth. Make a pursing motion with your lips . . . mouth open . . . and exhale while engaging your vocal cords. Is that what you mean?

If you "go with" anyone else besides the care giver, you are being negligent in your responsibilities to your mom -- and every other driver on the road. Period.

Smarty-Pants answer, no? ;) This isn't about you and how bad you'll feel hurting your mom's feelings, Chris. This is about doing the right thing even when it makes you squirm.

Will she be angry? You bet. Will she rant and rave? Oh yeah. But you need to love her enough to let her be furious if that's what it takes to keep her safe. (and every other driver in the area) You can do this.

Not to be rude; but what part of the Doctor and Care Manager saying NO did you and Mom not understand. Take the keys with you and for safety have the car disabled (removed battery or distributor cap). We are talking about your Mother's life and the lives of others should she have an accident. That is a lot to live with the rest of your life! Your Mother has no vote on this matter. She is better off sitting at home pouting!

All, thank you for this reaffirmation that NO is the right answer. All of these things I've been telling myself for the last 3 weeks when the episode started. Pouting, ranting, raving I can handle...at least I think I can--that's why the respite! I do love her enough to stand firm. I was hoping there was a magic way to not have a tantrum. I was practicing delusion....not working out for me though! I appreciate the answers.....especially the chuckles I got. Plain speak is my preferred! Chris

Chris, Does mom have access to transportation (cab, other relative, neighbor) etc. While you're gone? Does she know how to contact those resources? Unless she's a lifelong narcissist, has dementia (and therefore can't understand why everyone is telling her she can't drive) or is significantly mentally, then maybe she's scared of not being able to get what she needs. Maybe you need to go over again with her how respite is going to work out , and write it down for her so she remembers.

You could always say "I'll call the doctor before we leave and we'll see what s/he says and kick the can down the road a bit. But it's still gonna be no in the end.

You just made my day, Chris. ;)

MaggieMarshall.....glad I could help you out!! Smiles are always necessary but not always as available as they should be!

My husband is going to be here with her for the weekend....she also has my niece and a nephew close at hand. I am still working on driving resources for her and that is coming along. Time, however, and wait are four letter words for Mom. Patience has never been her thing and now it is really non-existent.

Chris; Sounds like your mom is a very impulsive person. You need to get some help in understanding her issues, long term. Hugs and all the best to you!

She is impulsive and stubborn....only she is right type! I wish someone could tell me what her issues are so that I can understand.....Thanks for the hugs and good wishes!!!!

AFTER respite, you might consider consulting with a geriatric psychiatrist. The three geri psychs that my mom has seen (one during a hospitalization for a neuro problem, one in her IL place and the one in her NH how) have all been the MOST valuable service she's had. Each doc was able to explain to us what was going on in Mom's brain and mind, and how to handle her behavior. Also, what meds would (and would not) help. In my opinion, psychiatrists are very often the only MDs these days who see the "whole" person, not just an organ system.

Chrisblair, I've learned whenever you take something away from an elder, you need to replace it with something else. Thus, taking away the car, you need to make arrangements to have someone else available to drive your Mom, even if it is local cab company.

My parents [who are in their 90's] still have a car in their garage. They stopped driving 5 years ago, and I am now their driver.... thus, lucky me, I get to drive that huge cruise ship size of a car.

For some reason, elders feel more secure knowing there is a car in the garage or driveway, and they have access to the keys, even if they no longer drive.

I use to get angry at this, but now I chuckle, as in winter Dad [92] wants to shovel the driveway in case there is an emergency and he and Mom need to get the car out of garage. Emergency? Use their car? Seriously? Nope, any emergency I will be dialing 911 and let the EMT's bring their own vehicles and do the driving :)

freqflyer, you are exactly right...it does need replacement.....I began the discussion of my having the keys with....my husband and I will take you places you want/need to go and I'm rounding up family and others to be available when we can't. That was thrown back in my face. I keep trying, asking, etc. I appreciate all and any comments, suggestions! :o)

It sounds like she's terribly frightened.

ba8alou, yes, I know that fear has always been a factor for her. Mostly fear of ending up alone. I suspect she also is terrified of dying. Unfortunately, she's never been able to talk about these things....stiff upper lip. Saddens me to know this and I can't help. I keep trying to encourage her....the dementia that has increased with this latest health scare causes her to shut down and out....not just with me.

Start out with I love you and pause.
Simple let her know that you thought for sure the keys were in the hutch where you put them but you can't find them right now. Maybe one night in a dream you got up and hid them. Since the doctors and other decision makers about her condition have said no, maybe the dream was a safety net for the both o

Start out with I love you and pause.
Simple let her know that you thought for sure the keys were in the hutch where you put them but you can't find them right now. Maybe one night in a dream you got up and hid them. Since the doctors and other decision makers about her condition have said no, maybe the dream was a safety net for the both of you. Sit down when you do this and end with I love you. What can she do or say? She may get angry....but likely will anyway......Tell her how good she looks and ask her how she is feeling.

Chris, let's play this out. You give her the keys. She drives into a coffeeshop. Bear in mind she has driven with a suspended license, because MD said not to drive. The victims sue, not only her for the accident, but you too for letting her drive. Do you want to risk losing everything you own?

Take the license plates off the car. That way if she goes out, the lack of plates will immediately draw the attention of the police. She may have an extra set of hidden keys. Mom had several.

This is a good answer for the daughter. And strength building in her reply and reasoning but I think she is looking for a way to tell her no.

Try replacing the keys with decoys that look the same. The car won't start and it is easier than disabling the car. If there is only one key to the car, buy a duplicate from a dealership and have a key maker "damage" the original so it will not work. You can make excuses for delaying the repair of the car that will not start.

I work in the insurance industr (not medical) and I handle claims. I was assigned a new claim involving a fatality: a 89 yr old driver crashed through a glass window of a storefront office killing herself and killing one/ seriously injuring another who happened to be in this business office at the time. We've seen many stories like this in the media & not all of the drivers are elderly but in this case it appears the driver didn't attempt to break at all. Common problem: going too fast, loosing control (suddenly on sidewalk!) panicking and hitting the gas pedal instead of the break. Our skills diminish as we age but the loss of driving skills can be fatal.

Pull the starter or disengage.

No, you do not give back the keys.

The suggestion to take the plates off is very foolish. It won't matter if there are plates on the car or not when she hits someone, another car or worse a person. Really bad idea.

It looks like the respite was for this weekend. How could you have any peace of mind if you knew mom had the car keys.

To chrisblair63: having gone through this very scenario myself, I offer this advise: no is no ...period! Doctors orders...period! My mom didn't like it too much when I said no, but saying doctors orders made a difference. Hopefully it will work for you too! I do not agree to not telling her the absolute truth as another reader suggested. My mother's drs...family dr, neurologist, hospice...all said to be kind, but always truthful. She may not understand, but you do. And if she does understand you will always know you told her the truth. Even if your mother really believes otherwise still tell the truth. If she has Alzheimer's she may really think she is seeing something or remembering something...which may or may not be a fact. Just remember her mind is not working correctly at times (maybe at all times) and for that very fact that it's not always working correctly the truth is very important because the truth will always be the same....no wavering this way or fudging the next time. It's not easy, I know that from personal experience, but this one little tip will make life just that much easier. May God bless and I will remember you and your mother in my prayers.

Chris,
I had to take the car keys away several times from my Mother after her stroke. She had extra's stashed everywhere. OMG the woman may have dementia but when she wants to be sneaky she is stealth. She wouldn't have gotten any farther than sitting in the drivers seat since my brilliant husband disconnected the battery just in case;-) I stuck to my guns even though it hurt to see her so unhappy to loose that freedom. Actually the tantrums were epic and will forever be etched in my mind . I explained to her it was not only for her safety but every other driver on the roads. That it was the Dr. that revoked her driving officially. My final action was to take her to the DMV and have them take her license and replace it with a picture ID card. Being the self absorbed diva she is she was thrilled that the picture on the ID was better than her original license. LOL This was a hard one to deal with.
By the way I did find another key in her underwear drawer the other day. I have NO idea where it came from it's been 5 years since we went through this, and my sister has the car in another state. Like I said she can be stealth. Good luck!

For $250-$600, an occupational therapist qualified in driver assessment can give you third-party objectivity that the elder might accept. American Occupational Therapy Association and Association For Driver Rehabilitation Specialists are the two resources. If the elder's doctor provides a referral to the specialist, the doctor will get the results of the evaluation -- which gets the doctor off the hook if the results suggest the elder shouldn't drive anymore. Gets the family off the hook, too. (And might prevent some serious and even fatal traffic accidents.) See also the Hartford Center For Mature Market Excellence, for resources on warning signs among elderly drivers, and how to have the difficult discussion about giving up the keys.

This is the first time that I have been through this. Mom was driving with just me and could not remember how to get where we were going. When she forgot how to get to the grocery store down the road, I think that is when I took the keys. It was rough in the beginning but I said your shoulder hurts so badly that you are unable to drive. It worked. Then we sold the car and it is a non issue. However she still once in a while says there is no reason that I cannot drive. I just say well you no longer own a car and that settles it. Good luck with that one.

fligirl58, that's a great idea about a physical injury as an excuse to give a parent not to drive :)

I will have to try that the next time Dad thinks he will be able to drive.... I will mention that he wouldn't be able to brake in time because of his bad knees.