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My 86yo mom just had a major health issue landing in hospital & rehab. Now is home. Primary doc told her "no stairs, no driving--non negotiable". I have the keys, not in the house. She is insisting on me returning the keys before I go on a weekend of respite! Care Manager tells me absolutely not, which I tend to go with. Has anyone any success in HOW to say no????

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You put the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth just behind your front teeth. Make a pursing motion with your lips . . . mouth open . . . and exhale while engaging your vocal cords. Is that what you mean?

If you "go with" anyone else besides the care giver, you are being negligent in your responsibilities to your mom -- and every other driver on the road. Period.
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Smarty-Pants answer, no? ;) This isn't about you and how bad you'll feel hurting your mom's feelings, Chris. This is about doing the right thing even when it makes you squirm.
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All, thank you for this reaffirmation that NO is the right answer. All of these things I've been telling myself for the last 3 weeks when the episode started. Pouting, ranting, raving I can handle...at least I think I can--that's why the respite! I do love her enough to stand firm. I was hoping there was a magic way to not have a tantrum. I was practicing delusion....not working out for me though! I appreciate the answers.....especially the chuckles I got. Plain speak is my preferred! Chris
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Will she be angry? You bet. Will she rant and rave? Oh yeah. But you need to love her enough to let her be furious if that's what it takes to keep her safe. (and every other driver in the area) You can do this.
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Not to be rude; but what part of the Doctor and Care Manager saying NO did you and Mom not understand. Take the keys with you and for safety have the car disabled (removed battery or distributor cap). We are talking about your Mother's life and the lives of others should she have an accident. That is a lot to live with the rest of your life! Your Mother has no vote on this matter. She is better off sitting at home pouting!
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When my husband wasn't thrilled with idea that he couldn't/shouldn't drive anymore, I told him that if he had an accident and they found out that he wasn't supposed to driving, the insurance wouldn't cover him. Then the people could sue us and we could lose our house. He had dementia, but understood that. That was the last time he complained.
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MaggieMarshall.....glad I could help you out!! Smiles are always necessary but not always as available as they should be!

My husband is going to be here with her for the weekend....she also has my niece and a nephew close at hand. I am still working on driving resources for her and that is coming along. Time, however, and wait are four letter words for Mom. Patience has never been her thing and now it is really non-existent.
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Chris; Sounds like your mom is a very impulsive person. You need to get some help in understanding her issues, long term. Hugs and all the best to you!
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Chrisblair, I've learned whenever you take something away from an elder, you need to replace it with something else. Thus, taking away the car, you need to make arrangements to have someone else available to drive your Mom, even if it is local cab company.

My parents [who are in their 90's] still have a car in their garage. They stopped driving 5 years ago, and I am now their driver.... thus, lucky me, I get to drive that huge cruise ship size of a car.

For some reason, elders feel more secure knowing there is a car in the garage or driveway, and they have access to the keys, even if they no longer drive.

I use to get angry at this, but now I chuckle, as in winter Dad [92] wants to shovel the driveway in case there is an emergency and he and Mom need to get the car out of garage. Emergency? Use their car? Seriously? Nope, any emergency I will be dialing 911 and let the EMT's bring their own vehicles and do the driving :)
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Take the license plates off the car. That way if she goes out, the lack of plates will immediately draw the attention of the police. She may have an extra set of hidden keys. Mom had several.
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