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Madre Mia, thankyou for your support all to often I feel disappointed in my sisters,and I try to refocus my self on to positive things like my Moms laugh and smile. My children and husband and his grandmother who also lives with us. But youre right on target, I dont know what I would do if I didnt have this forum. This is my secondary FAMILY now and I thank God every night for each and every one of you!!!!
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KA: your siblings are doing what most that are too 'weak' to step up do... they DON'T!! Your 'family' will change from those that you were raised with, to those that rise to support you.

MsTexas: your 'offer' really does show how uncaring our own families can be and it isn't just isolated to your family. I have found myself in similar situations with NO respite in site, and when I did get the respite we needed to remodel so Mom could have easier assess, etc, the result was catastrophic! She ended up in the hospital after 'flipping out' and from there it was like she had jumped off a cliff! Her decline was very rapid. Sad, but true. Five months later she passed away.

I often say, there isn't much I wouldn't do for my family, and yet I don't think that would be returned, am I bitter? NO. Am I disappointed, YES! Will that change how they act, NO! The only person we can change or control is OURSELVES!

This online support group has provided MORE support in the short time I have been online, than my siblings have in the past five years.

Even though my mother has passed, I am still here for that very reason. I do wish there was a "chat room" so we could gather REAL time and chat online. Perhaps 'management' will consider the idea.

So, I will continue to come here as long as I feel my input is welcomed and I am making a contribution. And I want to thank everyone that makes me feel so useful. God bless.
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I have 6 sisters, I have a poa and I am the sole caregiver. NONE of the other sisters help,in the begining of this long 7 yrs of caring for our Mom we had the family meetings and
I did all of what the above people suggested,but they only helped for the first 2 yrs after that everyone of them weasled there way out of the obligation,so now I dont feel any remorse or regret in telling them anything,they dont call and dont come to see her. Recently i moved for financial reasons,and one of the sisters had the odasity of calling and telling me that I took Mom to far away and I have a problem. Yes! i do I responded the problem is them they knew where I lived for 6 1/2 yrs and no one came by to pick her up or visit or call I have not changed my number in 7yrs. So in my anger I told her, I am not keeping our Mom from any of you INFACT I WILL PERSONALLY TAKE MOM TO SEE YOU AND PACK HER BAG FOR A MONTH SO YOU CAN GET RE-Nuited,Do you know what she did-SHE MY SISTER HUNG UP ON ME. Imagine that the minute I put the ball in there court. I say do what you must God and your parent are those who Matter! Let the siblings wallow in there self-pity. Nothing you do will be good enough!!!
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Thanks everyone, you know it is also a bit of a disheartening feeling to discover after all these years that when it comes to something so important as the care and wellbeing of a mother who gave all she had to us, her children, that my siblings are ultimately so different from my mother (who cared for all who were sick, injured, or aged) in the family. I guess part of this is the realization that I am alone among my siblings. It is a sad to discover that those so close to myself are not what I thought they are. It is embarrassing too. I guess I need to come to terms with my feeling in this subject too. Don't get me wrong, I'm really not angry, just let down in the sort of people they apparently are. Makes me feel like a fool for having been there over the years for them. I see that those favors will never be returned, not that I did them in an exchange, just with a feeling that we need to be there for one another. Sad.
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Who cares if they say "You Never Told Us", I would say "You Never Helped." and if they really cared, they would come weekly and see for themselves.
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You may as well keep em in the loop then they can't come back at you later and say "You never told us..." What they choose to do with the information it is in their court so to speak...
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KA24: it sounds like you are level headed and your siblings should be glad that you are POA. If you feel you would like to keep them appraised of what is going on with Mom, have you considered setting up (secure) website like what is offered on Lotsahelpinghands.com?

I had a similar situation, and even after setting up Anna's Helping Hands on Lotsa Helping Hands dot com some of the 'family STILL had a problem with what I was doing. Others did not. I just continued to do what I felt was best, and this website turned out to be a place where we could share pictures, feeling, and even visits with other family members that were not local.

Looks like you doing just fine, and although we all want to keep everyone advised, you can't (or won't) please all of the people all of the time, no matter HOW hard you try!

God Bless!
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I forgot to add, both sister in laws are retired, I am also, my husband is the only 1 that still works full time. Both sister in laws can get from their house to MIL in about 20 min. I don't know the situation with your sibs.
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You don't owe them anything! Just do what you feel is right. If they want to know whats going on-they can call or visit. They can give you a break or they can just mind their own business and let you do as you see fit. My husband has POA of his Mom, I am her full time caregiver. My husbands 2 sisters do not help. One of them calls about 1 time a month and says she will come take care of Mom for a day to give me a break but she shows up with a hamburger at lunch time and stays about 2 hours. She doesn't clean her up, give her meds, pick up around the house after her, do any of her laundry, shop for her, pay her bills, --well you get the picture. There is really NO REASON she couldn't come and stay with her, this sister put her husband in a nursing home after he had a stroke and she lives in a guest house on her sons property. The other sister calls every couple of months and comes to see her close to her birthday and somewhere around Christmas--but not Christmas. She has been divorced for more than 35 years. She has a daughter that lives with her. She could also come and stay--anytime but doesn't. My husband tells me not to tell them anything, he says if they care--they can come see for themselves. We've had to take her to the ER a couple of times and she has been admitted to the hospital, I called to tell them and my husband told me I shouldn't. He frimly believes if they want to know anything--it's their place to call and see whats happening.
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Verlaine: Thank you! Excellent point: Mom does need me stress-free!
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I think some of these answers may be helpful with regard to listening & informing your siblings, BUT your mother has made you POA and The President of her aging world - let that knowledge and power (if it is needed) ease your stress. You can ask your siblings for input and you can listen to their comments but it will be YOUR decision. A stress-free you is the best thing for your mother (and you & your direct family). Maybe some of your requests for input from uninvolved siblings can evolve to "this is what Mom & I have decided to do....". Start with small decisions and they will soon learn. Good luck.
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Wow! Advice on both extremes! It is all good food for thought. I think I will back off and let the the sibs ask the questions rather than going to them with info. I really have to say that it does take alot of my valuable time to keep 5 others informed of my every move, and really, they don't need to be kept in the loop to that extent. I am a perfectionist and sometimes I have to not stress myself out. Afterall, there are only so many hours in a day. And I have to say that Hapfra had the most key solution to my current problem. My response needs to be a request of them for their support and understanding, afterall, they were all in agreement with my mother when the POA was drawn up that I take on that role if needed. Now here we are and first and foremost their first contribution to the effort should be their support and understanding. So that is what I will request and leave it at that, I won't hide anything or otherwise not let them know, but they need to take on the responsibility to keep themselves informed, otherwise I am taking care of 6 people all together and I never bargained for that. I think that I will be able to live with that in the years to come. Sound reasonable??
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Karen---If you have POA, and I am guessing you are there for the most part for your Mom---then in my estimation, a family meeting might be a good idea to iron things out. Your other sibs have to realize that you have the power to make the final decisions-but willing to listen to their input at the same time. From what I have witnessed-this seems to be a rather common occurance amongst sibs....tell them you need their SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING-if they are not amenetable (SP)--then this becomes their problem and NOT yours. Your Mom gave you POA for a reason-weather they like it or not. I personally went thru something similar---Your sibs have to respect all that you are doing. Hope I have not been too harsh!
Best to you on your caregiving journey,
Hap
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If you are the POA, NO you have NO obligation legally to discuss, I have been to 4 lawyers, moms and ours, and discussed this exact question to my siblings who do nothing except occasional visits. If they want to come and take her out, you can tell them anything you might want to,maybe they will come MORE then, otherwise no, you do NOT have to.
PS it will also cause you stress as they will question and suggest and try and tell you what to do, its not worth it, Its hard enough being the caretaker as it is, I wish mine would fall off the face of the earth to tell you the truth. You will find the ones who flap their mouths the most, do the least. haha have to laugh, but its true. Keep up the good work!
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You do, absolutely, have an obligation, as power of attorney, to discuss anything and everything that concerns your mother. I would want to be informed even if I wasn't the sole caretaker for my father. Yes, they may criticize, now, but if you do not inform them, you will regret it later, after her death. If you think they're bad now it would only get worse when they found out that you had made decisions by yourself now, for THEIR mother.

I know it is difficult but my answer to my sibling's criticism and so forth, is, "if you think you can do a better job....move back to town and take over my father's care". I haven't had any takers yet. Meantime, consult with your siblings in a truly loving manner and ask for suggestions that include their actual physical presence for more than a few days a year.
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My suggection is to give those having a desire to be updated, a weekly update concerning what is happening with their loved one. Keep them in the loop and solicit their help, advice and support. You need support too both psychologically, and physically unless you just have a POA and are not the actual caregiver. There is no excuse today for not having time to give a quick update about your loved one: email, mail, phone, texting, visits, through an intermediary. Communication and sincere honesty and openness can eliminate or reduce issues from arising at a later date and can serve to build upon the family and help all involved.
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"You have to know how difficult it is to be the sole caregiver among 6 sibs with the majority of them criticizing my every move." You have your answer right there. If the sibs are not involved, criticize you, and it is causing you stress, by all means leave them out of the loop. If they want to be "in" the loop they need to approach you in a more respectful way. If they do not respond to the positive approach keep your conversations with them brief until they get the message.
They only way any of us can become a door mat is to lie down. Use some tough love on them. If they get offended at least you will have some lovely peace and quiet. If they offer their "advice" tell them that it would be far more helpful if they would come and stay with your Mom while you take a break. That should help them keep the lips zipped.
Heaven knows this journey is tough enough...do not open the door to these energy vampires.
Peace,
Lilli
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