As Power of Attorney for our mother, should I feel obligated to discuss plans for her care with my siblings who don't help? - AgingCare.com

As Power of Attorney for our mother, should I feel obligated to discuss plans for her care with my siblings who don't help?

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Should I, as the sole POA, for our mother feel obligated to discuss plans for our mother with the sibs, keep them informed. You have to know how difficult it is to be the sole caregiver among 6 sibs with the majority of them criticizing my every move. I feel like I have had enough, it takes a lot of my energy and time to keep them all informed and all I get in response is selfish crap that what I am doing doesn't suit them for one reason or another that has nothing to do with our mother. It's very draining, I don't need to be put down, they aren't involved enough to even have a helpful discussion. Help! What are my obligations to them as our mother's POA?

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Kara you seem to have a heart of gold and steel. Apparently your Mom knew this that's why your POA and your siblings know this that's why they treat you the way they do. I suggest the next time they make you livid.... you say you want the job be my guest or shut it!
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Thank you wuvsicecream! Actually I have come to feel that there are more families that have problems while caring for parents rather than get along well during this time. Old sibling rivalries and jealousies rear their ugly heads. And there are days when paybacks come along. Mom had a stroke and following it, Kara was one of the few words she said for months. Boy did that make waves! I just smiled to myself thinking "Thanks Mom!" I imagine if the others were around more she'd have come up with their names sooner too. I had to go out of town and I understand she sat and cried a lot at the nursing home. My sister visited and upset called me to say all Mom did was cry for Kara during her visit. You reap what you sow! Mom depends on me and I have become her "Mom" - her security, I am the one caring for her needs. I didn't envision this, it's been difficult on me and my family to adjust our lives around her needs but we have done it out of love.
Anyway, you are right there is Karma - and I always say that what goes around comes around, we are showing our children that caring for parents is something you just do, my siblings are modeling turning their backs. What will happen to them after their children learn the lesson they are teaching? I never want to be a burden on my kids, but who else do you have when you are blessed with long life and need a hand?

One thing I hear that I guess is meant as a compliment that just irks me is that several sibs have mentioned, "Good thing we have Kara!" You know often at a time of crisis. I say, "you don't have Kara, Mom has Kara, and why doesn't Mom have you???" Oh yes, they all seem to have so many more things to juggle than I, and one sister just actually says, "we just don't have the type of lifestyle that allows us to help out with Mom!" They have a social life that can't be compromised. So anyway, I do what I do because I want to anyway, and I am happy to spend time with my Mom. She is so sweet and I think the thing that irks me the most is seeing her being hurt by the absence of the others in her life. The funny thing is that she did model this behavior to us. She was the "nurse" of the family, caring for her own parents and sibs in their hour of need. So go figure! Anyway, I know there are others out there with stories similar to mine, and that makes it easier, not feeling so alone. Hugs to all the "Karas" out there.
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kara24 your original question strikes a very damaged nerve that makes me stronger every day or everytime I have to discuss any issues with family. I am finding out that focusing on my Mom was mistaken for some alternate route for my own personal gain. Some people mistrust good deeds!!! When you have a pure heart it's hard to understand why other's do not understand "a pure heart" way of thinking, and it's quite irritating and energy sucking, when your on the good side. I'd love to vent my story in detail it's a really unbelievable one but I'd need to write a book. Bottom line is I know what I did to help Mom and I know she's well and safe. I I live in peace knowing that. Karma has a way of pay-back for good and evil doings. I informed as needed and did what I had to, but, I learned not to get upset if others where not happy with the outcome.
P.S. My sister got upset because my Mom's bra wasn't tightened enough. I was just glad she was clean and dressed and smiling and I was on time for work, because Mom didn't run away from me for a change that day. As sis showed up 2 hours late then complaining because she had to keep Mom company for a few hours while I worked. Take her to lunch and a movie Gee that's tuff when I had her every hour of every day when I wasn't working and 10 hours while I was working. Yet!!!! my sister gave ME the attitude and had the nerve to ask me why I was angry.... when she complained about Mom's bra???? Now she's lying about when she visits Mom at the NH.
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I'm sorry you have had such lack of support. You reap what you sow, so you are sowing to someone being merciful and loving to you when you are old, and I sincerely hope that happens to you, as well as some support coming to you now.

I'm sorry if my email sounded harsh, but I am dealing with such greed and hypocrisy and evil right now. I just wanted to bring it up because I think a mom with millions of dollars vs. One on Medicare are two totally separate issues, yet MY sisters act as though they are playing the role of someone like you---true sacrifice and love--- when really it is nothing like what people like you go through. Nonetheless, they would have still written something like what you did, so I was just wondering.

God bless you and your mother! I wouldn't bother burdening yourself sharing info with your siblings unless they specifically ask for it.
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Jujubee: Heavens no! My Mother has no money! She's on Medicaid and I am paying for anything she needs that isn't covered in any other way. While my finances are limited, I am always there to provide or figure out a way for my Mom to get what she needs. There is no one being a martyr here, I am happy to care for my Mother and love every day I have with her. I am just out of energy doing it all and making calls, emailing, texting, etc trying to keep people who otherwise don't call or visit informed. Since the original post, I only update the others on a major issue or change in her health and leave it at that. I am only one person, and if they want to be involved they need to make their own effort.
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There is one issue that affects this question and answer: does your mom have a lot of money?

I have sisters who could have written this question, and wear the martyr badge of "the others don't help, aren't involved,'" etc.

What has really happened is that a few sisters took control of my mother's estate, turned my mother against others in an effort to maintain their control, alienated everyone else through betrayel and emotional trauma, and then have the audacity to say, "my siblings criticize but don't get involved in helping," all while they still hold tightly to having full control over my mother's mind, and, of course, her money.

Quite a deal: they get to be the "good guys" AND have all the control.
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I say HECK NO!!!! Especially if they are not helping to care for her willingly! They probably want to know what's going on to see if they're able to get something out of it - when it's all said and done! Sounds cruel, but if they are not concerned enough to help care for your mom then they shouldn't be concerned about knowing her business! That's just my 2 cents! Good luck and keep doing what you're doing! Pay absolutely NO attention to the distractions. S/N - 'family meetings' are useless in some families. I know it is in mine.
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I want all of you to know that I went through this POA situation with my family when my mother died and it wasn't pleasant since I was the caretaker and not the POA.

Now, I am the caretaker of my widowed 92 year old father. I am still not the POA, but I live here and have lived near my parents for 30 while my siblings have lived in distant states, so I am the CARETAKER.

I am the caretaker because, no matter what, they took care of me and now I feel that I needed and need to take care of them. I still truly value my dad's opinion and advice and would miss her him everyday as I miss my mom everyday. She was my best friend.

The money thing sure got in the way with one of my siblings when my mom was sick and then, worse, when she died. I didn't want any of you to have to go through that scenario.

Good Luck to all of you with your own particuliar situations.
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I am in a very similar situation where siblings do not help in any way shape or form, call mom MAYBE twice a year for a few minutes, and then harrass and literally verbally abuse me for my efforts as sole caregiver and POA. I am going to take a chance and simply cut them out of MY life, I will not make reports on mom and will not concern myself with thier occasional false concern for her. If they feel need to know something, they should call her more (or maybe VISIT?!? It's been twenty years since they have seen her or me) or stop being abusive to the one person (Me) who can satisfy thier curiousity. My life as sole caregiver is stressful and difficult enough without thier misguided nonsense, and hateful animosity.
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I tried keeping everyone in the loop early on but soon grew tired of doing everything by myself AND answering and listening to disparaging remarks. I invited a few key family members to "visit" on that visit I ran them every where I went, had them on the phone, internet researching etc. When they left, they left me alone! Now they don't ask and I don't tell, it's all left up to me anyway so I don't feel obligated to tell more than the baiscs.
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