Should I cash in my retirement to help?
I guess this question is a financial one. I am so weary, I’m not sure.
I have both parents on hospice in their home 2 hours away. They have had very debilitating illnesses for over 8 years, and while they have 24 hour aides, I have been there. I have no other family to help.
I am too exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically to go into more about their diagnoses... it’s in previous posts.
We have tried to meet spend down 6 times, with them being over resourced each time. Cashed in their life insurances, pensions, etc to pay for care. Almost at spend down again; then their small parcels of land sold.
Enough money to pay for care a few more months, but not enough to enter into a facility as self pay.
They are down to $2300 in the bank, total, and I will not be able to pay their caregivers next week. The land won’t settle for a few weeks.
Should I cash in the rest of my retirement to pay their caregivers?
I don’t know what to do.
My financial situation is awful.... I am an only daughter dealing with this, and after very aggressive breast cancer 2 years ago, my finances were obliterated, and I have many health issues from the hard treatments. My health is poor. I was diagnosed last week with lupus and other autoimmune diseases, and have applied for disability, but am waiting.
Even though their choices have caused me and my son great stress, I love them and want them to be safe.
My daddy’s getting worse, and I don’t want them to be afraid about every dime.... I do not think he will be here much longer.
The stress load is overwhelming.
I’m only 50, and feel like I’m 100.
if I cash out my small retirement, it may be worth it to lessen a bit of the stress.
I just don’t know what to do.
Thank you, to anyone who replies.
60 Answers
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contact DHS about Medicaid or a senior program
contact a nursing home they have social workers who can help you figure out finances
your parents need more care than you can provide ideally you need to contact a lawyer who specifying elder law
The greatest thing you can do right now, is to take care of yourself. If you don't, you won't be any good to anyone else, be it your parents, your son, or yourself. Take care & be good to yourself. You won't last if you don't. Take it from someone who knows. And again, I'm a work is process so I know it isn't easy. One last thing, make sure your doctor is aware of the stress you are under. Don't skimp on letting him/her in on what you're feeling, how you're feeling, & any new symptoms no matter how small or insignificant. Autoimmune diseases can, will, & do send your body into a tailspin - often w/o notice.
Contact DHS or even your state's AG to find out if there are other resources you haven't learned exist. Chances are, there are many but you need to locate them. I'm 49 w/a 55yo heart patient & type 1 diabetic husband w/bad kidneys, & the start of chronic pain from diabetic neuropathy along w/a bad dominant shoulder/arm/hand who is just starting to realize the pain I've been in for the last 15yrs. We are also dealing w/his mom, who is now in nursing care after months in the hospital, then physical rehab, but unable to return home alone. The bulk of care has fallen to the 2 of us even tho there are 3 other siblings in much better health than we are. Check into emergency medicaid. We were able to get it for my MIL even tho her home is still technically hers until either another sibling buys it or it goes on the market. Will keep you in my thoughts.
If nothing else Hospice will provide respite that you can take advantage of, that might be long enough to tide you all over until the sale has been completed.
di not cash in what little money you have left
you will need what you have for your care
your parents can be admitted to a care facility and when there a social worker can help figure payment
YOU are not responsible for their financial care
many people think they are you are not
contact an aging program in your area
Take then both to the ER and tell them you physically can’t care for them anymore. The social worker will be forced to place them in a facility. They should qualify for Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California) since they have practically nothing in the bank.
I know this is drastic but you can’t financially ruin yourself. You and your son have many years left and you must have a backup.
Do not cash out your retirement!
The VA was always asking about my IRA. I refused to give the information because it is MY IRA.
Go back to Medicaid and tell them the situation - someone needs to be helping you but you have to ask for the assistance.
Let go of any guilt and do what is right for them and your family. Call Senior services and see what free services are available and call a realtor and have them do a walk through in their home. Talk to a specialist that can help you shield their money from the sale of the home and put them in a place that will give them the care they need. Use Social Security and any other funds they have coming in to take care of them. You also maybe able to Quick Deed over their home to you, this will take assets out of their name and open them up to more assistance from agencies will find them adequate care.
First and foremost, Take care of yourself, Don't cash in your retirement and Release the Guilt. Also, don't leave your child in a similar situation.
Then, of course, cost of living keeps going up and up. Sigh... I think you get the picture. Get in touch with a senior services social worker or someone who can fix this finance thing for them. They have to spend down in order to get Medicaid which will help cover expenses instead of you. Do not pay the home care they have out of your pocket. Also, since he is the one who put the land up and sold it, get power of attorney, medical and legal, for both of them so you have to be made aware of things like this.
That said, Honey, its time you speak to Drs and next trip to ER you need to throw your shoulder back and state the truth. Believe me, these nurses will look into your eyes and know. They have family too...and they do it for a living. Its time to save who you can in this situation. You have done the right thing, I respect you for taking the high road, not the easy road. Stay on the right road now and do what needs to be done. Here for you!
If you have to - get police to do welfare check on them - let them contact proper people to step in.
Seems like the options vary so much state to state that I can only suggest broad consideration, what would be happening to care for your parents didn't have a daughter and grandson looking after them? If you weren't managing all of this what would the doctors and state be doing to care for them? I would talk to their primary care person and get a referral for VNA (Medicare will pay for this) and perhaps Hospice, as long as they are referred by PC Medicare should pay for this. Now, at least in my mom's state and I believe everywhere, one of the people that will visit them is a social worker or equivalent who will take the evaluation of their medical needs from the nurse that asses them as well as other needs (food, medication mgmt., etc) and should have information about what assistance they qualify for as well as either facilitate that or help you facilitate it. I know you have been through the spend down Medicate application process so perhaps have already had one of these evaluations but the situation is different now, they need care you and their money wont be able to provide next week. Once others become responsible for making sure they get that you have shifted the heavy burden back to them. Don't let them shift it back to you, there is a fine line between having a say in some of the decisions and taking on all the day to day responsibility. Now just to warn you, it may mean having to give up some control, it may even mean moving them out of their home, I think some states work harder than others to keep them in their home but you should be able to at least put your foot down about keeping them together as long as their ailments allow and it may very well be that they are in a place and medical situation that the preference is to keep them there.
You do need to hold strong though that you can't be the primary caregiver which is what you are doing by arranging/managing all the in home caregivers. Maybe even don't drive the 2 hrs to be there physically for each of these evaluations, let them see exactly what the deal is even if it's with caregivers there and maybe join in via phone or Skype at least the first time, let them know you are interested and care but just aren't able to help financially or physically. Now the other option which I imagine you have considered and ruled out for good reason already (still worth mentioning) is moving them closer to you unless of course they have a wider support system there than the paid caregivers and that's something you can possibly tap into.
Please don't start supplementing their care with your money though, difficult as it is to think about remove your emotional and self imposed (not wrong) sole responsibility. Being POA/MPOA/DPOA doesn't mean you are solely responsible it just means you can make decisions on their behalf so if the choices are a or b you can make that choice it doesn't mean you have to provide the choices. Not providing for them also doesn't mean you aren't caring for them or don't love them either, you need to try to stop feeling guilt about the way you handle the responsibility you feel. I hope that's making some sense. You are doing as well as any family here, carrying it without siblings and it seems to me doing a better job than countless other's, give yourself a pat on the back and a break. Taking care of yourself is taking care of your parents too.