Should I cash in my retirement to help?
I guess this question is a financial one. I am so weary, I’m not sure.
I have both parents on hospice in their home 2 hours away. They have had very debilitating illnesses for over 8 years, and while they have 24 hour aides, I have been there. I have no other family to help.
I am too exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically to go into more about their diagnoses... it’s in previous posts.
We have tried to meet spend down 6 times, with them being over resourced each time. Cashed in their life insurances, pensions, etc to pay for care. Almost at spend down again; then their small parcels of land sold.
Enough money to pay for care a few more months, but not enough to enter into a facility as self pay.
They are down to $2300 in the bank, total, and I will not be able to pay their caregivers next week. The land won’t settle for a few weeks.
Should I cash in the rest of my retirement to pay their caregivers?
I don’t know what to do.
My financial situation is awful.... I am an only daughter dealing with this, and after very aggressive breast cancer 2 years ago, my finances were obliterated, and I have many health issues from the hard treatments. My health is poor. I was diagnosed last week with lupus and other autoimmune diseases, and have applied for disability, but am waiting.
Even though their choices have caused me and my son great stress, I love them and want them to be safe.
My daddy’s getting worse, and I don’t want them to be afraid about every dime.... I do not think he will be here much longer.
The stress load is overwhelming.
I’m only 50, and feel like I’m 100.
if I cash out my small retirement, it may be worth it to lessen a bit of the stress.
I just don’t know what to do.
Thank you, to anyone who replies.
60 Answers
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Thus is not a pitiful statement, but according to medicine, I’m not going to be here to reach retirement.
But God has the final say.
Thank you for the suggestion.
Have you been in touch with a bank or other financial agency regarding types of tools to help you with this short term emergency financing?
How about your county or state adult services?
Absolutely contact your local Social Security Administration Office and ask about EMERGENCY Medicaid support, as well as your hospice provider.
You may find yourself feeling a little stronger when/if you start asking the questions.
Breathe, pray/meditate, know that there are people here who care!
They are known as the worst county in the state to deal with. One facility in my county had to sue them to obtain medical records. It’s sad.
im going to try not to take out any more of my retirement.... I had to take out a chunk to live off of while I was going through the cancer treatment because I got so sick.
thsnk you for being so sweet.
Do what others here have told you or/and push back paying the caregiver for a week or so. I understand that you feel that if you cash is your retirement you may have less stress. But it sounds to me that you are so worn out and stress out that right now would not be the time to make any decisions. I don't think you are thinking clearly right now.
You should not have to use your money to help with your parents. You are going to need that money.
You need to find a way to take care of you to. Your body and your emotions have been through a lot. Be kind to yourself.
Hugs!!
you are right. Maybe I am not thinking right. I think sometimes I am ready to give up. I don’t mean to sound so defeated, but I’m just tired.
Tgank you for the mercy and gentleness.
You would be ADDING to your financial problems and not solving your parents' financial problems. All you would be doing is exchanging one problem for another problem. Because you are only 50 years old and have health problems of your own, you have to save your financial resources to pay your health expenses and your son's health expenses. Even if you receive disability payments, your son could end up in your situation--having to use his money to pay for your health care expenses.
Talk to the bank that handles your parents' accounts and see if there is any way to get an cash advance or a loan based on the sale of the land.
Contact the agencies mentioned by the other people.
I am sorry that you are having to go through this situation. You need to take care of yourself and your son also. You and your son need to do activities (either together or alone) that you find relaxing and uplifting-- whether that is meditation, prayer, listening to soothing music. (I find that when I am upset or angry or up-tight, listening to music that has a strong bass or drum beat or has an "angry" sound helps me to release those angry feelings and allows me to then listen to more relaxing and soothing music.)
{{HUGS}} and Prayers 🙏
My brother had a dibiliting disease plus had an awful motorcycle accident where he was literally rolled over by a truck and honestly it was a miracle that he survived. Guess what? He was turned down several times for disability. He finally got it. Crazy! I feel single men may be placed last on the list for benefits. Everyone deserves help but as you say it can take awhile before we can get those benefits. I hope you can collect as soon as possible.
Follow some one of the advice here for getting the money, or ask if workers can hold off for a bit for their pay. Maybe give them a tad extra (a bonus) if they are willing to do so. You’re in a tough spot all around.
I hope your health improves. You will be remembered in my prayers. Take care.
The bonus idea may be a good way to offer gratitude.
I just hate for them to not get paid.
Thsnk you for your kindness.
Do your parents have credit cards or line of credit? Can you get a home equity line of credit from their home?
Your first priority is having a rainy day fund for yourself.
Do NOT cash in your retirement savings. That way lies madness.
Do your parents own a home? If so could that be sold and that money used to pay for an assisted living or nursing home for them? Or even for more caretaking in their home?
How is it they are over resourced if they are down to $2300?
There must be some agency in their county that can help with their situation. Perhaps a Department of Family Services, or Adult Protective Services, or the County Health Department. Their local Area Council on Aging might know who to contact.
You can contact the local police and/or sheriff if your parents end up alone and are unable to care for themselves. Ask for a welfare check on vulnerable adults.
I concur that you should NOT cash in your retirement. Your parent's bad choices don't justify spending your financial security, no matter what they think or how they feel.
I think you should be upfront with the care-givers and let the chips fall. There is no right way to promise someone to pay them for work then not pay them when the work has been done. If they don't come back and your parents are left alone, that's when you call the authorities. They will not leave your parents without help.
I'm very sorry your situation has become so dire.
medicare pays for hospice i think
It has always been my belief Social Security and insurance companies stamp everything DENIED in the hopes that people (when they are at their lowest point, which is disgusting) are too damned tired to fight. Appealing often results in overturning original denials. Don't let them win.
Does the hospice outfit have social workers who can help with the endless phone calls that will likely need to happen? The doc's office? Do you have friends or church members who can help with not only supporting you now, but doing some of this legwork? Asking for help isn't easy, but you may feel some relief if you do.
I hope you get a break soon. You definitely deserve it. And you deserve to keep to your retirement funds intact for your use when you need it. Or for the benefit of your children. Best of luck to you.
I have several friends whose parents are getting a full ride at assisted living or nursing homes on Medicaid and it seems little effort was put to getting them there (states are Idaho and Florida). I believe some of the people in my dad's memory care facility are on financial assistance. I have a gambling, druggie acquaintance who had to have surgery recently and actually got a Catholic charity to pay for it (right???).
Us older Gen-Xer's will have less financial and government support than our parent's generation so please, please don't take away from your safety net. We are gonna need all we can get as we get older ourselves.
This has been an ongoing battle with social services in their county for 4 years. As I mentioned before, it is severely lacking, and we get nowhere with them. They do nothing to help; almost as if they make sure to make it as difficult as possible.
The Office on Aging only could provide meals on wheels if they had no caregivers ( which they do) a trip to the doctor IF they were fully capable of walking, because resources were minimal to offer help to wheelchair bound elders who could not mobilize.
No one has any idea how hard it has been to get help in their rural county.
it is so bad, as I mentioned before, that they have been sued for records they would not supply.
It is not just a quick “ go to social services and get help”.... even law enforcement in their county speak about how totally unhelpful social services is there.
Thank you all for your replies-
and upstream,
you are right... those who receive those blessed services/grants/aids are truly lucky. You have to be either very poor, or very rich and have planned well financially to get care here.
Have you explored getting them admitted to an in-patient hospice? It's such a better situation all around. So, if that's a possibility, try that first.
This all depends upon what state you're in, but this may be one avenue to explore. Borrow (in their name) against the pending income from the land sale. If it's enough to pay for some time in a nursing home, do it. Be very open about your parents' finances with the admissions person and make sure s/he is experienced with a spend down situation. They may be willing to admit them 'pending Medicaid'.
They'll spend down there and their bill may go for period being unpaid until Medicaid kicks in. The key is having enough money to be admitted.
Another is to take them, one at a time, to the ER the next time they have any health situation blip that may get them admitted. Once admitted, the process of going from hospital to SNF with Medicaid pending is smoother.
Never sign anything that makes you financially responsible for your parents. Never be bullied or guilted into telling any discharge planner that you can provide the care for your parents. The discharge planner is not a judge of whether you love your parents. They are only looking to discharge as quickly and easily as possible.
Talk to an elder lawyer.
Stay strong, we're rooting for you!!
Hugs 🤗
And it surely sounds like they would qualify for Medicaid - pending in a nursing home. Just curious, if they are both getting Hospice at home, can they go to a Hospice House facility?
The OP is in poor health and surely would not want to be the paid caregiver for her parents.
And to the OP, I think everyone on this forum agrees: NO, do not cash in your retirement. Without all of the illnesses/poor physical health you have, cashing in retirement would be a bad idea. But with all of the things with you, save everything you can for you. Not only will it help you, it will also help your son for your future-needed care.
I agree, take Daddy to the hospital and make them take over from there.
This is not morally acceptable to most any child, but please, trust God.