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My 92 year old mother has dementia with sundowning and full-blown delirium in the evenings. My niece is really, really pressuring me to bring my mom to their house on Thanksgiving night (not a good time of the day for her). Her nagging is really stressing me out. Mind you, these are nieces and nephews who she rarely sees. I think she should stay at the nursing home where she has only been for 2 weeks. I think it would be a huge disruption and exhausting for her to be in a loud house with 20 people she doesn't remember all trying to talk to her and ask her questions. I think it would really set her back. Plus, I am the one who will have to tend to her while she's there (i.e., toileting, etc.) as she can't walk and is a dead weight of 110 pounds for me to lift. I am exhausted and do not want to go through this since I don't think either of us will benefit from this visit. I am not close with these relatives and they usually ignore us when we are there, except to ask a lot of questions of us both. I feel they are being very selfish to pressure me and I don't know what to say without causing a rift. Please help. I am new to this forum. My mom and I are very close and this whole thing is devastating to me. I am griefstricken and full of anxiety, and I am going this all alone as my sister just died a few months back and my brother lives out of state. Thanks.

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"No, I'm really sorry, but bringing mom to Thanksgiving this year would not be a good plan. Perhaps you can stop in to see her on Saturday or Sunday in earlier part of the day? Her dementia makes late afternoons a really uncomfortable time to visit. You might Google "sundowning" if you'd like to know what I'm talking about. Mom has a medical condition that is going to mean that we all need to work together to meet her needs. I hope I can count on your to be on "Team Mom".
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Of course you could just drop mom off. And let niece experience mom's problems for herself.

But that's probably not the best for mom.
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Hi Deborah, welcome to this site. I agree with Barb. Not this year. Not to a house with 20 people, many of whom she barely knows. Visit your Mom in the nursing home and perhaps share a midday meal with her. You might even bring some homemade cookies or treat for her table and the staff breakroom. (Ask the staff if everyone at her table can have these treats).
Then, in the evening, go to your niece's and kick off your shoes and have a lovely holiday meal prepared by others. If/when they ask where your Mom is, just tell them she wasn't up to it and the staff suggested you leave her there. BUT, then turn the tables and suggest to them that she will be up for company Friday during the day and that you hope they will visit her then. Enough said.
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DeborahLynn, you have NO obligation to your niece or anyone else who doesn't participate in your mother's care. And don't let her put YOU on the defensive.

This is what I see in these kinds of situations. A nonparticipatory relative tries to intimidate the caregiver into agreeing to that person's suggestions and desires.

If you feel strong enough, you can also turn the tables on her and ask the niece why SHE doesn't come to visit your mother as she's much more able to do so than your mother is to travel to someone else's house.

Don't let her cause any more stress to you. If she starts nagging, ask her if she understood what you told you the first time, and then excuse yourself because you have to take care of your mother. It does take some strength to say something like that; it always takes me awhile to get to the point, but when I've put someone in their place, I feel as if they're getting the message that they can't intimidate me.

And don't chide yourself for being sensitive. It's an asset your niece lacks.
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DeborahLynn, welcome to the group. Your question is an excellent one, especially with the holidays coming up upon us. And so sorry to read about your sister passing.

Ok, regarding the Thanksgiving get together, try using what is called a "theraputic fib" which would greatly benefit you and your Mom. Tell your niece "the nursing home will not let your Aunt leave without the doctor giving permission, and the doctor said absolutely not". If the niece starts to nag, again tell her that sentence.

We have to realize that the younger generation is usually clueless about Alzheimer's/ dementia, and no matter how much you try to educate them, they continue to be in denial until they are up close and personal with the situation. Remember, you are in charge, and no whippersnapper is going to tell you what to do :)
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You've gotten great answers. I just want to give you a big virtual {{{hug}}}. We understand. Do NOT take your mom to your niece's. It would be a disaster all the way around. She just has no idea what she's asking. Try to have a good time and come back here frequently, where we understand what you're going through.
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Don't do it. In 2012 my father was having a lot of medical issues (some real but mostly imagined). We were invited to a wedding in GA and we are in NJ. My father is a beloved uncle and I got a lot of grief for not wanting to bring him. I knew exactly what would happen. We'd get there and he'd want to go to the ER and I would have spent all that money and missed the wedding....or even better he'd want to go to the ER after the wedding and still be in when we had to fly home. I made it very clear that no matter what I would be on that flight as I had to get back to work and my daughter back to college. I do not regret not taking him.
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Chuckle. You could enjoy making your niece very sorry she asked - but that's probably just my impish sense of humour getting the better of me.

Thank your niece for wanting to include her granny in the family occasion, and genuinely appreciate the good intention. Tell her the evening would be nothing but an ordeal for your mother. And if she really won't take your word for it, tell her that if she wants the right to an opinion she'll have to spend a few evenings in her grandmother's company first.

Also, more generally. Start worrying a LOT less as soon as ever you can about the approval of people you don't care about.
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Deborah,
Sorry that you have lost your sister, and so recently to cause the holiday added stress.
And, your Mom has been there only two weeks in a nursing home.

Giving excuses to the clueless relatives will, imo, only cause you more stress.
Your neice could be coming from a position of over solicitous guilt. Or wanting you to be there, her aunt, so much, that she has not thought out anything except her party, and EVERYBODY should come. She is maybe on automatic pilot. Was your sister somebody's mother? It might be a strong desire for all the family to draw near together for the holiday in the face of loss.
Can you forgive her?

As to the R.S.V.P., take it to a higher level of social etiquette.
If you are not going, just say, "Oh you know we would love to attend, but have other plans."
If you are going, just answer briefly, "Mother just cannot miss the events planned this year at her new home, but I will be there".

Keep it holiday pleasant, upbeat. No need to confront their ignorance, imo.
If she continues, answer: "Sorry you are disappointed."

Then, if she is going on......"Oh dear, gotta go, can I call you back?" Then, don't.

Are you sure you want to go Deborah? This year? You can you know. Or, you can choose something else.
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On the other hand, you could give the neice Mom's address, have her pick up Mom to take to Thanksgiving, saying you will be detained, but will be along shortly.
Bet they won't make it out the door of the NH.
Poor Mom. You know, the lady who just recently lost her daughter?
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Thanks to all for your answers and support. I have informed them that I am not bringing her because it will be too chaotic and she needs to be in a quiet environment, and not with a lot of people. Plus, I lied and said the doctor said I should not bring her and that it would be better for her to stay in the nursing home, especially in the afternoon and evenings when she is worse. Your answers all helped me to provide me with the correct answer to my niece. My gut feeling was telling me no, but your support helped me to have the difficult conversation with her. Yes, this has been a terrible year. As I said, my sister just died of Anorexia (she was 48 pounds when she died). It was beyond terrible. Then my partner of 30 years had a stroke and is trying to recover from that. And now this horrible situation with mom. It's a lonely road, so, again, I thank you all for your help.
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Just a quick share here, as I asked today whether it would be wise to take Dad to my daughter's home. (She has twin 7-year old boys, & it's a loud house, but it's only 10 minutes from Dad's facility). The director explained that with his level of dementia, he probably wouldn't enjoy it, because he will probably be confused for at least part of the afternoon. And, even if he does enjoy it, he may turn the situation into something different in his mind after we take him back. So, all in all, probably not a good idea. She suggested stopping by to have a slice of pie with him. Add to that, the staff told me that most of the residents stay put for the holidays, so he won't feel left behind.
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So sorry, DeborahLynn, it has been a terrible year for you. God bless you.
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Come back and chat with us often, DeborahLynn. You've got a lot going on in your life, at a time when you are also mourning a tragic loss. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. You probably don't so much need advice as support. We'll be here for you.
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BTW, I like geewiz's suggestion. Most care facilities have the main meal midday. You could join Mother and also go to the evening event, if distances permit. I don't mean you have to eat two entire large meals but just having pie with Mother might please here.

The plate of goodies to share is a good idea if there is something unusual Mother likes that isn't available where she is. We found that there were always snacks available at the NH and we cut way back on bringing treats.

We let Mother enjoy the special meals they prepared for holidays. We had occasional non-holiday special meals with her by reserving a small community room, bringing a tablecloth, flowers, nice dishes, and some take-out. Mom especially liked Chinese. We brought a home-made dessert and made sure there was enough to share in the employee break room. But we didn't do this instead of the facility holiday meal -- that was a nice event for her, too.
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Yes, Deborah
You made the right decision, gracefully

No question or complaint too big or small

Dementia is far more difficult than I could have ever imagined

If nothing else, I hope you can enjoy a piece of pie on Thursday
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Bloody hell, DeborahLynn.

The sister who died so tragically - and how many years have you been dealing with that? Anorexia does terrible things to the people who care about the person, not only the person herself - she wasn't the niece's mother, was she? Is the niece your brother's child?

Even so, that horrific loss would help explain your niece's strong urge to get the whole family together in a huddle. But you have still made the right decision, because whatever the emotional undercurrents you are in charge of the daily practicalities of your mother's welfare, and that would include not placing her in a stressful environment.

And I'm quite sure that that's exactly what the doctor *would* have said. Your niece doesn't need to know you didn't actually ask him... ;)

How is your partner getting on with his rehab?
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Thanks to all for your comments. To Countrymouse, My niece is my brother's child. He and his wife divorced over 25 years ago. Also, my niece was not close with my sister who died. My sister died just this past February. My mom has gone downhill with her dementia since then--understandably. Watching your child die is horrible for any parent, but especially for an elderly, fragile parent. I know I made the right decision in not bringing my mom to Thanksgiving. I feel like they wanted us there more for their own benefit than hers. Also to Countrymouse, thanks for your concern about my partner. He is recovering slowly but is determined. He is a Kung-Fu master so he is used to discipline and has a very strong will. Even so, it is tough as he is in his 70s now. Recovering from this stroke has been way tougher than he thought it would be, but he refuses to give up. Blessings to all.
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