I'm 34 years old and live in California. My mom lives in Seattle. She has had schizophrenia since I was 11. She is still married to my dad but he just had a mini stroke and is getting further testing for Alzheimer’s. Every time my family tried to help the police would say she has to be a harm to herself or others, such as a few weeks ago when they stopped by because a neighbor complained of her yelling on the porch. She refuses to take medicine and hasn't been to a doctor in 20 years. I was in the process of becoming guardian but every time I think about it I have a panic attack. I want what's best for her. I just don't know after 23 years of living with it if I can handle her finances and appointments and finding a caregiver and food. And just the idea of being involved makes me feel as though imp trapped in the house again, and I can’t escape. If she was assigned a guardian of the state would they automatically put her in a long term care unit? Ideally I'd like her to be able to stay in the home with a caregiver. But she's not compliant with medicine, and refuses to see medical staff. Could this change if the court forced her to be hospitalized till she is stable? Perhaps... but would a state guardian even try to see I'd she can handle being at home with a caregiver before sending her off to a facility? If she was assigned a state guardian and they were horrible would I have the power then to file for guardianship?
State resources are there for this very reason. Of course it tugs at your heart, because you’re obviously a good and caring person. But there is nothing you can really do for her at this point, guardian or no.
You’ve been ‘on alert’ with her since you were a kid. I’d wager you grew up way too fast, because you had to just to survive. You’ve probably not taken a deep, calm breath and let your shoulders drop for the past 23 years.
Schizophrenia is so horrific. Let mother get state custody. You’re not walking away from her! Just doing what is ultimately best for her and for you.
Ms S. tried to manage her own mom with the help of the entire social services system of city and state of New York, all to no avail, and she tried to decades. It made her life a nightmare during this time. I have mentioned the book many times here as has BarbBrooklyn. Many have thanked us for having read it.
To be honest, the courts do not give guardianship often for those mentally ill because they do not consider it to be an illness that cannot be controlled with medication. As you already know, the mentally ill are notorious for not TAKING medications without supervision. Courts often say outright that "it is not against the law to be mentally ill" and they will not intervene. Our streets are full of the results of that.
You didn't cause this.
You cannot fix this.
You need to accept that you CANNOT EVER fix this. And it's unlikely anyone else can as well.
I would suggest state guardianship, if any.
No, you could not undo that once done.
As to awful care, what care can you imagine can be given for your Mom that is NOT awful? Her life is awful. She has a broken brain that so far science is unable to know how to heal.
Her ILLNESS is AWFUL. And nothing will change that.
Dr Laura has an expression. l use it often, because it is absolutely true. "Not everything can be fixed". I have someone in my own family with mental illness. It cannot be fixed. It is horrifically tragic to watch the parents attempt to manage it, because it cannot be managed.
If you read the memoir I mention and still choose this path of attempting management, then at least I will be comforted that you understand the quagmire you wade into. I fear you will drown in the hopelessness and helplessness of it all.
I am so dreadfully sorry. I know the phone calls you will get. I know the desperation. I know the helplessness. And I know you cannot fix any of it.
I ask you to be honest with yourself. Let us assume you CAN get guardianship. What then will you do? Move in with your Mom? Ask her to move in with you? How do you think that you can manage your mother's mental illness. Do you imagine she will thank you and proceed to do everything you say?
Again, I am so very sorry.
Of course this is difficult to do but, your mom will get better assistance if you are not involved as her guardian. Court appointed, non family guardians have a whole bag of tricks that you will never have. They can get her immediate service that would take you months to access. Not to mention, I do not know 1 person that doesn't baulk at listening to their kids instruction, they listen to a complete stranger far better.
You know what a roller-coaster ride her existence is, please do not tie your life to this insanity. You can still be her daughter and that is the only roll you should take. It is an important roll that she will need when/if she gets stable.
My understanding is that she will get treatment, have a daily aid (case worker) to try and help her remain quasi-indepenedant and only if she is unable to remain safe in the community would she be institutionalized. But, if she needs facility care, she needs facility care, and you should encourage her in that solution if it comes to that.
Please do not forsake your life to prop her up, she needs professionals and you need to live your life.
Great big warm hug! I can not imagine how hard it has been for you.
Have her neighbors call Adult Protection Services. Not sure if they can help.
When you realise that it’s not going to happen, you will probably find it easier to compromise on something that works, like a facility with experts around the clock. It doesn’t include ruining your own life by aiming for the impossible.
"Do you want to take on guardianship of ....." that would be a question, but only you can answer it in the end
I’m so sorry , but this can’t be fixed by you . I also doubt a caregiver at home would be helpful either . Sounds like both parents will need a facility . A call to your parents local County Area of Aging would have a social worker come out and do a needs assessment. It is a start , they can help with placement when necessary . But it would be a good idea to get a social worker involved sooner rather than later , whom you could communicate your concerns to . Make sure to tell the social worker you will not be able to help much , nor could you live with them.
I suspect a lot depends upon the laws in Washington State and the laws in Seattle.
I read a recent article in the Wall Street Journal in which a young lawyer spiraled into mental illness. His sister and Mom who lived out of state spent years trying to help him. He always rejected the help. I think sister and Mom would get to know his neighbors and would stay in contact with the neighbors.
It does not sound like a healthy direction for you going by what you wrote in your post.
Can you stay connected via Dad and offer your support to Mom via Dad? Even if he is fading a bit?