My childhood was very abusive & dysfunctional & I still have a lot of resentment that is directed at dad. I moved here to be with him almost 4 yrs ago & gave up a great single life (to be fair I was tired of the "rat race"). My mom died 6 yrs ago & dad just gave up. I would come to visit him fairly regularly & I could see he was just dying. He lived with his biological son, wife & 2girls. (I & 2sisters are adopted). I was appalled at my brother (they left him alone in the bsmt & altho their part of the house was clean & modern my dad's living conditions were below healthy levels & he also basically lived in a huge cat litter box. Brothers wife was telling everybody she was coming down regularly to clean-not. She also was a professional embezzler, getting fired from every job for stealing, yet dad would save her every time (paying restitution & the well-connected lawyers). She also directed her "skills" on my dad & succeeded in spending all his savings, life ins, & maxing out his credit cards, & selling whatever valuables she could get away with. Many horrific details too long to list. As I said family extremely dysfunctional & I had been ostracized by family until mom died who was my nightmare abuser incarnate. I say that 2 explain why I was just learning all these family secrets when I moved in with him. Yes my dad is an enabler & co-dependent. I moved in the bsmt with dad, kicked the cats out (they weren't his), tore up, scrubbed painted, laid down new carpeting & basically cleaned every inch of his bsmt apt. My sister-in-law (who claimed she came down regularly to clean) never helped me or actually even offered-labor help or $ help in buying the new carpet & stove but she was the first one there when I was sorting everything out & offered to take items to her church to be donated. When I found out she was an embezzler which really is her personal problem, but that she was also draining my dad dry, that was the last straw. I confronted everyone & was mass attacked by my brother & wife & dad, I understand people make mistakes & bad choices but when you continue those (in her case) criminal choices for over 50 yrs, an apology doesn't cut it unless u STOP. One of her acts was to embezzle $90k from her employer in 11 mos. this is all while earning her full time salary, having my brothers probly $80k yr salary, & my dad paying for most living expenses & property taxes & maintenance of house. Shortly before my mom died she convinced dad to put their names on the deed (even tho dad had pretty much paid off the house & paid for all the additions built on). This was only so she could take out 2nd & 3rd mortgages on the house my dad "built" & paid for. But she did have a bigger plan, I believe to cheat dad out of any house equity & take care of the huge debts she had amassed AGAIN & they filed ch 14(?) & I believe it was in retaliation against me for questioning her actions AND i was the only one who actually asked her where did ALL that $ go (nothing to show for it) Bthe house was lost anyway, this was days after dad moved in with me & he swore they told him nothing of what they planned). I had had enough & moved out & found a small house just big enough for me. I was finally starting to distress & become comfortable. At that point dad said he was coming to live with me. As a responsible daughter, how could I say no. (This was BEFORE he found out the house was gone.). But I find myself resenting this house is not big enough for both of us; when I was looking He refused to move with me & said he would die before he moved, after breaking many verbal promises to me; I'm slightly OCD & his lack of hygiene & cleanliness drive me crazy even to tears. He is clingy, self centered, but guises his manipulations thru martyrdom guilt & anger along with the usual senior declines. He is 85, I am 53. He treats me like a wife & is jealous of me dating anyone (he has gone to extreme measures to sabotage any relationships). I resent that I was extremely abused by my mother & he did nothing. He finally admitted 2yrs ago he knew. I resent I was sexually abused 3times & I told my parents & they labelled me a whore for the rest of my life (@12yo). This is just the tip of the iceberg but I'm running out of space. When I was 17 I was kicked out & neither me or later my children were allowed to have any contact with the family. I know now I never did anything wrong-it was my mothers mental illness but my dad never stopped her from hurting me or my sisters in fact he enabled her to continue & ensured she never got in trouble. He continued that with my brothers family. Yet I was a single mother of 2 crying myself to sleep for yrs because I had no family that I could just talk to. None of this matters anymore, I'm just trying 2explain these 50+ yrs of trauma I'm finally having to deal with living with dad & it's even harder because he's in denial & he is the way he is. He criticizes me constantly yet still praises my brother, even after losing his home. I've so much more to say but no room. But am I the right person to be here
Perhaps if you can forgive him, you can forgive yourself, too.
In AA, they say "Let go, let God." It works for anger, too.
Hugs and so sorry for you its so hard to forgive someone who was abusive do with whats in your heart now because he will not be here forever.
The easiest thing would be to send him back to live with his son and family and Then if you find he is living in squalor call in adult protective services. As I read it you are not his biological daughter so you really have no duty towards this man. What would happen if you just told him to get out as you never ivited him in the first place and don't owe him anything. Maybe it would be a good idea to consult adult protective services anyway. Don't listen to people who say you will never forgive yourself. Talk to a therapist who will help you unravell this horrible mess.
You certainly did come to the right place to share your problems many people here have been through and are going through similar situations. As well as Adult Protective Services talk to an elder care lawyer. you were adopteou and i am guessing did not see that the person who sexually abused you at age 12 was brought to justice and in so doing condoned what had happened and continued to abuse you. If you have a pair of big girl panties handy put them on in the morning and start the bowl rolling. Actions speak louder than words.