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My childhood was very abusive & dysfunctional & I still have a lot of resentment that is directed at dad. I moved here to be with him almost 4 yrs ago & gave up a great single life (to be fair I was tired of the "rat race"). My mom died 6 yrs ago & dad just gave up. I would come to visit him fairly regularly & I could see he was just dying. He lived with his biological son, wife & 2girls. (I & 2sisters are adopted). I was appalled at my brother (they left him alone in the bsmt & altho their part of the house was clean & modern my dad's living conditions were below healthy levels & he also basically lived in a huge cat litter box. Brothers wife was telling everybody she was coming down regularly to clean-not. She also was a professional embezzler, getting fired from every job for stealing, yet dad would save her every time (paying restitution & the well-connected lawyers). She also directed her "skills" on my dad & succeeded in spending all his savings, life ins, & maxing out his credit cards, & selling whatever valuables she could get away with. Many horrific details too long to list. As I said family extremely dysfunctional & I had been ostracized by family until mom died who was my nightmare abuser incarnate. I say that 2 explain why I was just learning all these family secrets when I moved in with him. Yes my dad is an enabler & co-dependent. I moved in the bsmt with dad, kicked the cats out (they weren't his), tore up, scrubbed painted, laid down new carpeting & basically cleaned every inch of his bsmt apt. My sister-in-law (who claimed she came down regularly to clean) never helped me or actually even offered-labor help or $ help in buying the new carpet & stove but she was the first one there when I was sorting everything out & offered to take items to her church to be donated. When I found out she was an embezzler which really is her personal problem, but that she was also draining my dad dry, that was the last straw. I confronted everyone & was mass attacked by my brother & wife & dad, I understand people make mistakes & bad choices but when you continue those (in her case) criminal choices for over 50 yrs, an apology doesn't cut it unless u STOP. One of her acts was to embezzle $90k from her employer in 11 mos. this is all while earning her full time salary, having my brothers probly $80k yr salary, & my dad paying for most living expenses & property taxes & maintenance of house. Shortly before my mom died she convinced dad to put their names on the deed (even tho dad had pretty much paid off the house & paid for all the additions built on). This was only so she could take out 2nd & 3rd mortgages on the house my dad "built" & paid for. But she did have a bigger plan, I believe to cheat dad out of any house equity & take care of the huge debts she had amassed AGAIN & they filed ch 14(?) & I believe it was in retaliation against me for questioning her actions AND i was the only one who actually asked her where did ALL that $ go (nothing to show for it) Bthe house was lost anyway, this was days after dad moved in with me & he swore they told him nothing of what they planned). I had had enough & moved out & found a small house just big enough for me. I was finally starting to distress & become comfortable. At that point dad said he was coming to live with me. As a responsible daughter, how could I say no. (This was BEFORE he found out the house was gone.). But I find myself resenting this house is not big enough for both of us; when I was looking He refused to move with me & said he would die before he moved, after breaking many verbal promises to me; I'm slightly OCD & his lack of hygiene & cleanliness drive me crazy even to tears. He is clingy, self centered, but guises his manipulations thru martyrdom guilt & anger along with the usual senior declines. He is 85, I am 53. He treats me like a wife & is jealous of me dating anyone (he has gone to extreme measures to sabotage any relationships). I resent that I was extremely abused by my mother & he did nothing. He finally admitted 2yrs ago he knew. I resent I was sexually abused 3times & I told my parents & they labelled me a whore for the rest of my life (@12yo). This is just the tip of the iceberg but I'm running out of space. When I was 17 I was kicked out & neither me or later my children were allowed to have any contact with the family. I know now I never did anything wrong-it was my mothers mental illness but my dad never stopped her from hurting me or my sisters in fact he enabled her to continue & ensured she never got in trouble. He continued that with my brothers family. Yet I was a single mother of 2 crying myself to sleep for yrs because I had no family that I could just talk to. None of this matters anymore, I'm just trying 2explain these 50+ yrs of trauma I'm finally having to deal with living with dad & it's even harder because he's in denial & he is the way he is. He criticizes me constantly yet still praises my brother, even after losing his home. I've so much more to say but no room. But am I the right person to be here

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Thx everyone for taking the time to show support by responding. I hope that those in my same scenario will connect & advise me of their end results . I have forgiven my dad but I still hold anger & resentment. There is a difference to me. He just doesnt allow me the space or time to heal which causes me to get angrier again. There are too many influencing details too complicated to go into & now that I really feel ready to leave there are $ complications. So yes in that manner I am Co-dependent as we depend on each others combined income now. He is the only man I know as father good or bad & I accept his flaws. I have been unable to refuse him begging & crying to not leave. I feel that Im a hypocrite if I abandon & "ignore" his needs as I have accused & resented him for. or break my promise to him as he has broken so many promises to me. It does nothing for my soul to inflict the same traumas he did upon me. I have been to therapy numerous times & do at least finally love myself work in progress) & learned to not "engage" in confrontations with him - I do not respond or I simply go to my room & shut the door. He does not have Alzheimer's or dementia, sometimes I wish he did because at least I would have a logical explanation for him ha. Btw my monster (his wife) refused to have any contact with me or my children my whole life (even tho i tried repeatedly) until she was on her deathbed. Even up til then she never acknowledged my existence or simply said Im sorry which I would've accepted. When she knew she was dying she told my sister to tell me she would allow me to see her. I did not & I am perfectly at peace with that decision. Thanks to those of you for listening & I appreciate just being able to vent in a safe environment. The pressure cooker is back to normal for a few days :)
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Lisaanne enough is enough. Are you supporting dad at this point? Does he get social security. Have you looked into anything else he may be entitled to like food stsamps or medicaid. I totally understand how you are physically repulsed by him and that probably won't change. Could he live alone in an apartment? even if you helped with the rent? has he been evaluated by a psychiatris? He sounds as though he is mentally ill rather than demented.
The easiest thing would be to send him back to live with his son and family and Then if you find he is living in squalor call in adult protective services. As I read it you are not his biological daughter so you really have no duty towards this man. What would happen if you just told him to get out as you never ivited him in the first place and don't owe him anything. Maybe it would be a good idea to consult adult protective services anyway. Don't listen to people who say you will never forgive yourself. Talk to a therapist who will help you unravell this horrible mess.
You certainly did come to the right place to share your problems many people here have been through and are going through similar situations. As well as Adult Protective Services talk to an elder care lawyer. you were adopteou and i am guessing did not see that the person who sexually abused you at age 12 was brought to justice and in so doing condoned what had happened and continued to abuse you. If you have a pair of big girl panties handy put them on in the morning and start the bowl rolling. Actions speak louder than words.
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2620 my dad died 9mths ago today. he was verbally and physically abusive to us and wed hardly spoken to him on and off in almost 38yrs? two years before he died and alot of therapy i learnt to forgive him! I am so glad i did not just for him but for me my brother never forgave him? his choice. I dont think its a good idea you live with him right now but care for him yes from a distance i gave my dad more than he ever gave me in my life I forgave him AND i will be honest yes i am so glad i did because now my anger towards him is gone i just felt so sad when he died thinking of the what "ifs" what if he had have been an ideal dad? I dont know if you have had any therapy but it helped me when i last saw him after so many years i just saw an old frail man who was looking for forgiveness and we sorted out alot then he died so now i feel a bit free sad but free from the anger and pain he caused me and my siblings. You can be the better person here and forgive him and take care of him from a distance while learning to forgive him. But I do understand that forgiveness comes from you nobody can tell you how to feel. People tried to tell me what to "feel" it was only when i was ready to forgive that i did it. Dont let anyone tell you how you should feel just know that what you are doing for him now will make you a better happier person! I let my dad know just how angry i was and got alot off my chest before he died if you can do this then do it scream shout let him know how he hurt you its all part of healing and i felt better after this.
Hugs and so sorry for you its so hard to forgive someone who was abusive do with whats in your heart now because he will not be here forever.
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To answer bluntly, no you should not be the caregiver. It's not quite that simple, though, because you can't let go . You are co-dependent, that means neither one of you can let go. Both of you need counseling.
Perhaps if you can forgive him, you can forgive yourself, too.
In AA, they say "Let go, let God." It works for anger, too.
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Sorry I had to say this further. A few people I've tried to confide in said that if I don't stay with dad & care for him til he's gone I will never forgive myself & that just confuses me even more. I have been struggling with this question after the first year & can't seem to find any reasonable answers. I will say that because of the abuse I recognize that I do not trust myself to make the right choice. Thanks for listening - just getting this out for a minute helped.
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This is me again. I needed to say I question whether I should be his caregiver because of my still anger & resentment. I take care of all the physical needs but I know I am not taking care of any emotional needs because my coping mechanism is to distance myself mentally & emotionally. I have forgiven him but I can't forget as he wants me to do. He repeatedly says oh that was in the past can't u just get over it. I respond it took me 50 yrs to get to the state I'm in, there's no way I can get over it in a year. I would've been better able to get over it but during these recent yrs dad & I have been together, his dysfunctional behavior of the past continued, & still to my detriment. When confronted or made to feel consequences, his response is I love you & have always loved you & would do anything for you. I 4gave him for not protecting me as a child because he is human but he constantly says those phrases & that he would die protecting me when in reality what he says & does are not the same & he has proved that in these recent yrs living together & I cringe every time he says he loves me. I cannot bear to touch him in affection & I understand humans need touch but I am repulsed by him physically & emotionally. If he was not my father He is not even the type of person I would be friends with. Thru these yrs I have lost all trust, faith & respect for him. I do love him or I would not still be here & I made a promise to him. Even tho he broke all his promises to me I will not break mine. But my conscience is not sure all is right & I'm in constant turmoil over whether I'm doing him harm rather than good. We are in constant strife because he consistently pushes to place me in the position of "wife" or best friend of which I am neither & I resent he even "asks" or needs that from me of all people. I've tried to get him to treat & accept me in a business position of caretaker - that would ease some of m stress (thus making me more pleasant) & give me the needed time to start a new good relationship with him. His dysfunctions won't allow that. I'm not abusive to him except in keeping my distance from him (physically & emotionally) but wonder if that is abuse. I've offered many times if he'd rather have someone else, I would not be offended & perhaps that would be better for our relationship. He never answers but criticizes me for being distant & says I'm here to get his $ (he doesn't have any he lost it all already to my brothers family but he doesn't care to remember that or criticize my brother - in fact he spends his conversations telling them how wonderful they are & how proud he is of them!). He is co-dependent & his history is to stay in bad relationships & enable so I wonder if that's what he's doing with us. I truly want the best for him. Health wise I take the best care of him but I am unable to give him what he wants & constantly pushes me for (which results in me backing off even more) - that is a close personal intimate relationship. Would he be better off if I just leave him?
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You recognize there is some co-dependency, but are you willing to break the cycle? The question is not should you let go, but could you let go. Only you can answer that.
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Oh wow. I feel for you. What you've been through and are going through is simply awful. It's a shame you're trying to take care of your dad and have to put up with all that. Other folks here will have more advice, and better advice, but my first guess is living with your dad isn't ideal. You're not going to change him or how the rest of the family is. Only you can change by leaving or refusing to put up with what they're doing.
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