Should I be paying my Mom half of the bills after leaving my life to live here with her?

Dixie, you are in a safe place, but sometimes people get in a grumpy mood. I just take what applies to me and leave the rest. I had something similar happen to me when I was in my 20s. A policeman came along as I was struggling with a car of men I had escaped from. My memory blanked the things that happened out, but I remember the policeman. My hero. I'm sure I would have been killed if he hadn't happened by on that deserted road. I am glad my memory blanked out everything. I hope the memory never returns.

About paying bills -- what I do here is pay my own bills. Mom has her landline. I have my cell. Mom has her TV. I have my internet. I pay my share of groceries. She covers everything to do with the house, because it would be the same (budget plan) whether I was here or not. Funny thing is that, with dementia, she isn't even aware of my contributions. According to her she supports me totally. The truth is that her little check couldn't pay for it all. I used to tell her about the things I paid, but it went in one ear and out the other. I think it is important to her that she feels like she is caring for me, so I swallow a bit of pride and let her think it.

But I really do think that someone providing full-time care to their parents should expect room and board. I hope that as you are there longer your mother will also see the wisdom of leaving the house to you.

dixie i pay the bills here BUT mum is only on a pension and im on unemployment benefit if mum had 3 times more than me then NO i would not pay her rent! caring is a fulltime job and many of my friends think i should pay nothing BUT mum is good to me and gives me money when i need it like dentist or hairdresser. Mum would cope if i wasnt here to pay the bills but shed have alot less for herself but she cant live alone OR cope with bills etc. she dosnt have a mortgage so we are lucky for that!
Your situation is different move out or pay nothing you are caring for her fulltime even if she dosnt see it thats the way it is. If you were not around how would she cope? they want it all dont they fulltime care and rent? i dont think so!

After being violently attacked and left in a ditch in a thunderstorm for dead on Sept. 28, 1998 I recovered physically after 3 months in the hospital lerning to read, write, and talk again but it has been mentally a disability to even walk outside my front door so being disabled does not always mean a PHYSICAL DISABILITY! I have come a long way since then but still have issues with other people. Most of my social life is here online. Just to defend myself here and I had thought this was a plavce to discuss learn, and confide in others whom were in the same plavce as i!

I apologize for my snappish reply. Disabled people receiving SSI or SSDI are eligible for the Social Security program called Ticket to Work and information about this is available on the website ssa.gov. Large government contracts are awarded to private companies to administer the program. The idea is to help disabled people supplement their income through some employment, maybe return fully to the work force and maintain their dignity. If you think about it, there's are a lot of disabled people who can't handle an eight hour a day job with the structure, energy, responsibilities, and restraint required, but who may be able to run errands or help out family in a less structured setting. Their ability to function may fluctuate during the day or day to day. I am sensitive to this subject because my husband has been on SSDI since about 1997. At first I hoped he would recover and work again if not to running his own business as before. I looked into the Ticket to Work program when he was sent info about it from the government. The program is still around. So is my husband and his growing list of health problems. But there are some things he can still do and some he can't.

Vegaslady, I was always under the impression that if someone was disabled, that they themselves need someone to help them. I read Dixielicious post and she is running circles around me doing all the things that she does for her parents. This is confusing to me. I am sorry if I misunderstood.

Yes, people on disability can earn a certain amount of money each month. I am glad, because disability is not enough to live on. I'm glad you have found a way to supplement your income, Dixielicious.

I'm in Birmingham, so I know that subsidized housing may not be the best option in this area. I imagine your mother is somewhere around 80 years old and has a good bit of pain with her arthritis and depression. What would be nice is if you could talk to her and work something out that you both think would be fair. Personally I think that doing all the chores and errands more than pays for rent and utilities. As she gets older, your help may allow her to remain in her home. That would be priceless.

I wouldn't push to get all of the house and land. Parents want to leave something to all of their children, so she may not want to do that. I would work with your mother on the living costs and forget the property for now. I don't know how long you've been with your mother. It may be that her thoughts will change as she sees how much you do for her. It is not an easy circumstance, so I sympathize completely.

I'm getting tired of people thinking that all disabled people must be bedbound and are incapable of doing anything. Many can do things and may not even look disabled. As I wrote in another post, people on disability are encouraged to work and see if they can help support themselves, and maybe return to full time work. Quit being so suspicious.

the only time aid and i bumped heads was if wed both find a loose pill on the floor at the same time .

in hindsight it was all kind of fun . hospice fired an aid , aid and i worked in masonry together for the next couple of months . la , la , la , la - life goes on ..
suckers ..

had a female friend give me the same dumb , squinty look and say the same thing . i lit her azz UP . told her to board up her place , move in with her dad, care for him till his last breath and be sure to pay half the bills -- oh nevermind . your dad died last winter of an instant heart attack on his front porch and you havent caregiven a day in your life .
i wrote a little hymn about her . you just replace hymmmn , with herrrrm ..
herrrrm,
herrrrm,
f*ck hermmmmn ..

i had a snarfly aps lady tell me i should be paying half of my moms household bills . i didnt bother telling her that i was working at the junkyard a half mile away to be within seconds of helping mom all during the day . i didnt tell her i was working for 5 bucks an hour and the junkyard was failing and i wasnt even getting paid most of the time . i looked at her dumb , squinty facial expression and knew she wasnt worth the effort . ive always been proud of that decision ..
her partner , wendy saw what i was doing and we made the greatest eye contact . the next time they visited , " yap " never spoke a word . wendy must have settled her down a bit ..
sigh . caregiving becomes 24 - 7 in small increments . non carers havent a clue .. the lost wages are incalculable ..

It is too bad this didn't get discussed before you moved in, so everyone had the same expectations.

Did you ask to come? Did your mother invite you? Does she realize that she needs help? If you left, could Mom get by on her own? What kind of in-home help would she have to have?

Sometimes adult children should pay rent when they move in with a parent. Sometimes the parent should pay them for caregiving. Sometimes child provides caregiving, parent provides room and board, and no money exchanges hands. It really depends, in my mind, how much caregiving is needed.

My son moved in with us when my husband developed dementia, to help out. He took care of household maintenance, sometimes stayed with Hubby (his step father) when I went out, and helped if he fell, etc. Son continued to hold his job, see his friends, live his life. He did not pay rent or for food. After Hubby died, Son decided to stay. Also a step-daughter decided to move in. I do not need any caregiving (at least yet!) and they each pay me room and board.

My brother is on disability as you are. He, too, has bi-polar disorder. I think he could do all the things you describe doing if the timing were very flexible and he could do things at his own pace. He did do housekeeping for our mother and was paid by Medicaid to do so. So I can see how you and your mother could both benefit from living together. I personally don't think she should charge you.

Your profile says you love your mother but don't particularly like her. (There's a lot of that going around.) So you also need to judge whether living with her is too much stress in your life. If that might be an issue, I agree with Pam -- look into subsidized housing and move out.

But what about Mom, whom you love? Talk to your caseworker about how to go about having her needs evaluated and learning what services she might be eligible for.

Whether you continue to live with her and settle the financial issues, or you move out and see that she gets other help, I wish you both success in getting your needs met!

Getting the entire house and land is not going to change how tired you are or handling being super woman. I agree it is unfair to pay half of the household bills with everything you are doing for her. Go do your part time job to make ends meet and have your mother pay for the cost of her care. Then paying half the bills would become more equitable with you helping out around the house when not working.

Move out. Subsidized housing is cheaper. I don't see how you can work at all when you are on disability. You can't be a doormat unless you let people walk all over you.

Not to be nosy, but how do you draw a disability check and still be able to do all that you do?

If your Mom wants you to pay her rent, figure out the daily rent, then hand your Mom an itemized bill for everything you do for them during the day and the hourly rate for each itemized item. Bet your Mom would wind up owing you money :)