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I am tired of going over there,
His floor is sticky and there is nowhere to sit down. I had to pick up a bunch of junk from a chair so I could sit and he told me I put it in the wrong place
he also criticized the wide print check registers I bought for him
he sits there with his head in his hands
I know I have posted here about this many times, it's just hard for me to realize things about my family trying to get out of it
easter was a nightmare
i know I am just scared to leave a person who will probably die in misery
it doesn't matter he feels so sorry for himself he has no concept of what he does to other people
unbelievable it's weird when he does die my sister will be here with her claws out
he has nothing in place for a funeral or a living will, or even a decent will
I am sick of it if anyone wants to step up fine
He is just going to go into the drawer next to my mother if anyone wants a service go ahead, no one will show up he is that heinous

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Call APS then let the chips fall where they may. Don't let yourself be the scapegoat who carries all the burden and blame. You don't deserve that.

Remember that your parents did not want you helping them or doing any caregiving for them. Respect their wishes.

If you still want to visit your father you should but be prepared for what you know will happen.

Please call APS today and explain how your father is living and that he's a vulnerable adult who is not in his right mind and will not allow his family to help. Let them sort him out. That is their job to do, not yours. Letting APS handle the situation is the best way you can help your father.

I have said many times that nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn. Your father isn't in his right mind. He refuses any help at home. So the logical progression here is that he gets removed from his home and put into a secured care facility. That is beyond your control. If he doesn't acclimate to life in a LTC, that's not on you either. Don't put guilt on yourself qhen you haven't done anything wrong. How about you be fair with yourself.
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If I remember correctly, your parents did not want you involved in their care. You have just soldiered on anyway.

If no one is POA, then call in APS and tell them he will not allow you to help. He lives in filth. They will evaluate his situation. If they feel he needs to be placed, they can do that. If they feel with some resourses he will be able to live on his own, then you don't need to try anymore. You have a government agency now in the picture who should look in on him now he is on their radar.

You Dad wants to be left alone, leave him alone. But for your peace of mind, get APS involved. Then you know you did what you could.
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I wouldn't walk away, but I would limit visits a whole lot as to how often and for how long. Nothing has ever been any different here. There is not going to be any "dying happy" here. Things won't change whether you are present or not. In his world you are simply one more person to blame.

It's entirely up to you what you must do to protect yourself. You can't change any of this.
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Your heart knows when you are done, but it is a matter of getting your brain to cooperate.

I did free caregiving for my mom and younger sister. I got plenty of complaints from family members, but my accusers had no faces. I could have called APS for my sister, but my aunt and my sister's teacher told me to not allow them to bully me and finish the process of placement.

I can sympathetize with you in dealing with an uncooperative senior living in squalor. In this case, do what you can in cooperating with APS with information needed about this person, and don't sign any papers obligating you to any financial responsibilities. Refusing care is a form of self-neglect. Let the state deal with this.
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Are you hesitating about walking away because you think you're his only solution? You're not. You inform your siblings that you are done as of XX/XX/2025. You tell them that if they wish to replace your involvement, that's up to them. You will be calling and reporting him to APS. This will get him on their radar as a vulnerable adult. They will eventually put him on a track for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian who will then remove him to a facility to receive proper care. They will be able to do it whether he wants it or not, whether he fights it or not. That's what they were somehow able to do with my 6'4" step FIL with Parkinsons and Lewy Body dementia. We were so done with him as well. He wouldn't create a PoA, wouldn't cooperate with any care by us that would accommodate our lives and schedules (and bank accounts!). You walk away and don't feel guilty because you've done nothing illegal, unethical or immoral. You can feel grief, but not guilt. Don't succumb to pressure from your siblings, either. Expect them to come at you like spider monkeys but just shut the doors in their faces and ignore them and move on with your life. May you receive peace in your heart over this perfectly legitimate decisions. P.S. Many elders "die in misery" even with the best of care and loving family orbiting around them. I witnessed this with my friend's very lovely Dad who had dementia and then had a stroke and became an unrecognizable person, behaving in awful ways and treating his devoted children just terribly. He was very wealthy and could afford all sorts of care and attention but in the end he was in the MC/LTC unit of my MIL's facility where he was beyond agitated all day long, wouldn't take meds, trying to escape, hitting people (family included) and just breaking their hearts until he had a fall that did him in.
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I’ll not criticize you for not walking away as only you know the right choice for you. I will advise that actions done solely out of a sense of obligation, or from feeling sorry for a person, generally end with poor results and resentment. It’s never wrong to protect yourself from pain, hurt, and harm. I wish you healing and peace
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"Should I be done/walk away?"

SHOULD... According to what? Or according to whom?

Does being DONE have to mean walking away? Or can being DONE mean something else?

Can you be DONE with
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and yes I know I have posted about this before and people might criticize me for not walking away
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BurntCaregiver Apr 23, 2025
@mary543

You are not a child. So stop worrying about being criticized by people. You're an adult and you answer to no one about your choices and if you choose to keep your father in your life, that's your business and no one else's.

You have more than two choices here. It's not just a matter of walk away and sever all ties, or be a care slave and doormat to your father.

There's a third choice. This one is you decide the terms of the relationship you will have with your father. You decide how the phone calls and visits will look. Not him, you and if it's not working you change the terms of the relationship or you end it.

You can have your father in your life if he's put into a care facility. Or not.
You can continue letting him live on his own terms and visit once in a while or call. Or not.
You're the one who decides and no one else.

Please call APS though.
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