Should I ask for more money to help with mom’s personal expenses, or should I just continue paying the difference?
This is the third time I’ve used this forum. It has been very helpful. I’d like to thank you for your support and honesty. My mom has been living with my husband and I for almost three years. She’s going to be 86 in December. To help her transition from her home (Philadelphia) to mine (Texas), I told her not to worry about giving me money but give me what she can to help until she gets settled.
My husband told her she didn’t have to pay rent and the other experiences would be between her and I. Well, within the year she gave me $30.00 and sometimes $60.00 a month. She takes care of her own bills so I trusted her to be fair once she got settled and her business affairs were done. I took care of extra food, transportation, setting up doctors appointments, laundry, even her toiletries (toilet paper, tissues, cleaning supplies etc). Until one day I talked to my sister(In Philadelphia). My sister use to be her care taker when my mom lived alone. Then my mom needed neck surgery, she ended up needing more care (She had nerve damage to her left arm.) She is fully recovered! Her arm is normal now. Anyway, After speaking with my sister I found out my mother was paying off credit card bills instead of taking care of her needs first! I spoke to my mom about it when she told me she’s thinking of turning over her home to my niece. She didn’t want to pay the taxes if she no longer lives there. I took the opportunity to also discuss the money situation with her. I told her I would need $200.00 and she can get her snacks and food items she would like to have. I didn’t want much to change because she got so upset because, I had to ask! Things seemed to turn on me. Even when she told me my husband said she didn’t have to pay rent! I had to tell her that’s different from what she needs. So now it’s almost three years and I’ve been trying to manage with the $200.00. She will eat what I fix so she won’t have to buy food or snacks. She gets $1400.00 and $400.00 of that is for Home experiences (medicine, toiletries and food). I want her to be happy and not have to worry about anything. Once I realized how much I was spending I stopped buying the snacks and just fixed the basic meals. Only then she would ask and give me money to buy it for her. By the end of the month my mother has saved...$200.00 - $300.00 dollars from her home money. QVC and HSN are her best friends! I have $50.00 or less for my food money at the end of the month. I manage her medications and found great discounts too! I had to start saying, “Mama? Would you like to BUY YOURSELF, this or that or add it to your list?” I watch how she can do things for herself and more and more I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life!!
So the big question is...SHOULD I continue to do what I do? Or, should I talk to her about needing her help with the items I’ve been getting for her? I’m talking about $150.00 more a month. How do I document if I do leave it as is? I know for sure....I can’t care for her ALONE if she gets to the point where she’ll need more care. She has over $33,000.00 in her savings. She won’t touch it!! I am her POA in her Will but I’m working on getting her to complete the DPOA and add my name to it since she’s with me. In some way I feel like, she’s 85 almost 86, just keep the peace and deal with money stuff later. My sister is POA on her savings account.
Mom has a Will and the only thing that concerns me is the, WHAT IF’s!! Just the other day I had kidney stone issues! My husband is home during the day so he can help me get things done like food and picking up the grand children (2). Once it was all over, my mom tells me the muscle in her neck is swelled up and very painful. I asked her if she used the heat warmers. She told me know because I WAS SICK! I told her she could have done it by using a hand towel to wrap the warmers in! Don’t wait just for me! She could also tell my husband. She says, I like the one you use but, I can do that. She is depending on me too much!
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You are probably right about her becoming too dependent on you but between her moving to a new state where the only people she knows are you and your family and you doing everything she asks for her it's easy to see how it might happen. Her world has gotten smaller which may explain her QVC habit too. Maybe explore the local senior center, book, gardening or whatever she's into clubs and try to encourage her to develop a peer group, friends in the area. Invite neighbors or friends over with their parents perhaps for tea and socialize with mom until she starts to form her own circle. She may want to be more independant again and help herself more when she feels beter about her situation, doesn't feel so put out to pasture and you can help that along by finding reasons you can't get to making up the warmers for her right now or do her laundry, you are happy to do it when you can or she can do it herself. Try "Mom can you get the door please" or "fold this load of laundry" and see if it helps. My guess is when she is feeling better about herself and her new life and the two of you are in a better place relating to each other the financial stuff won't be as awkward to talk about anymore and maybe you will be able to simply say "things are getting a little tight around here, I know you wanted to contribute your share to the household Mom, We still don't want to take rent from you but it would be helpful if you could come up with more of the expense difference, Here is what our utilities, gas and groceries were before you moved in and here is what they are now." Something like that, non threatening and not changing or going back on the no rent promise but being more clear about the rise in expenses with the added adult in the house. This might even help mom feel better about herself and her independence. It's all in the presentation and timing ;)
Thanks again!❤️
With this level of inability to cooperate in any way with the running of a household I think it might be time for care placement.
There is also a basic lack of understanding of this I think as you don't get POA on a will. You can be an executor of a will, which means you will distribute the inheritance upon her death however it is designated. As to the Sister being POA on her savings account, that would mean she has a financial POA I think, over more than a single savings account.
I would go with the Sister and get all this financial work done right. Come up with fair costs for housing, help and food; go over it all with Sister. Come to agreement and then go with Mom and Sis to a lawyer and get this set in stone. If no one wants to do this, then I am afraid I would not personally myself be into caring for Mom in this manner. You have your own future to think about. 33,000.00 does not go far these days, and I do understand that, but the same for YOUR money; it will go even less far.