Follow
Share

My 82 year old mother has cognitive impairment due to ruptured brain aneurysm 25 years ago. She currently resides in a nursing home. She is in poor health, unable to walk, and needs two people to care for her personal needs. I am her POA and visit her regularly. I have two sons getting married this year. One son sent her a Save the Date card and invitation as a gesture of love, knowing that she will be unable to attend. The other son did not. This son sends my mother an annual Christmas card with photos of him and his fiance, but he does not visit and did not send her a Save the Date card. I am disappointed in my son for not considering his grandmother. The relationship with my mother and stepfather and this side of the family has been difficult over the years, and my sons do not have a strong attachment to my side of the family. However, out of respect for my mother (and for me), I think my son should be more caring. Any thoughts?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
How verbal, social and cognitively "with it" is she? If she is at a point where she doesn't really remember him or feels any connection to the event and no longer socializes with any peers who could share her excitement then I think an invitation is likely going to mean more to you than it is to her.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I wouldn't have sent her a save the date or an invitation unless you were willing to take her. I feel it could be cruel if she Is with it enough to know what they mean and can't go. If she is pasted understanding, then I don't see the reasoning. Maybe thats how the second son felt. My Mom was pasted knowing what was what when my niece got married. I chose not to bring it up. I would ask him why he didn't but thats it. As u said, they r not close to Gma.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I sort of think he should have sent her an invite.. something to show off and brag about.. and God bless your first son for doing so! Maybe you can talk to him and get him to send one now.. it may be late but she may not know. After all, it sounds like they know she can not attend
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I think there are 2 ways to look at this.
#1-The old fashioned way. All appropriate people are invited regardless of their ability to attend or not. This is when manners were stressed, people wrote thank you cards and the like. Sending an invitation is the "right" (courteous) thing to do.

#2-The way things are done now.
Customs are sort of ignored for the laid back style. Instead of mailed invitations, a call or an e-mail/text would work. (Much quicker response also.) I'm sure second son thought that grandma is too infirm to attend AND she doesn't have all her mental faculties, so grandma wouldn't be any wiser and she'd be off the list.

Also some grandkids are closer to their grandparents than others.

If you want to mention his error, I would do it in passing. I also would form it as a question.
"Hey Mike, I got my invitation but grandma didn't get hers yet. Do you think it got lost in the mail?"

I know I taught my son all the right manners for #1 but he often lives life under #2.

A parent can show them the way to go but can't make them do it.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I wanted my son to invite my close friends to his wedding. He objected on the grounds that he didn't really know them and sending an invitation would seem like a request for a present. Sigh. Young people don't realize how much close friends share the milestones of their children.

I think you should talk the non-inviting son in a non-accusing way and get his perspective on this. Depending on his reasons perhaps a wedding announcement after the fact would be more appropriate. He may not see this as lack of caring and be surprised that you do. Talk to him!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Thanks for all the responses. This was very helpful. I think that I will have a conversation with my son and ask why they did not send my mother a Save the Date card. She does recognize us and knows that both sons are getting married. My thoughts were to live stream the weddings to her hospital bed using Face Time, which would make her feel included. One of the nursing home staff can assist with this. Due to my mother's cognitive and physical condition, It is unrealistic to arrange for my mother to attend either wedding (the first son who sent the invitation to her resides in England). Although the other son is getting married in our area, my mother has too many physical limitations (including incontinence of bowel and bladder), and she would require two nursing home staff to accompany her. I would not be able to physically manage her at the wedding to take her myself. I do not want to "guilt" my son for not including her...I just want to understand his rationale and encourage him to find some way to include her. Thanks, again. I really appreciate this site.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Sophia, one thing you might bear in mind is that wedding arrangements are traditionally carried out by the bride's family, and with such a lot to think about the couple probably jumped from "grandma won't come" to leaving her off the guest list so she didn't get an invitation.

It is all about window dressing, after all, and none the worse for that. So you could: copy your own invitation (perhaps with some subtle editing if your layout skills are up to it) and give it to your mother to admire; or ask son and future DIL if they could manage to send grandma an invitation just for form's sake.

But don't ask them to explain. It's far more likely to be oversight than intention; but even if it *were* intention, though this seems very improbable, how would it help anyone to have that spelled out or rubbed in?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Thanks, Sophia, for your response. I did not intend to give the impression that you should jump down your son’s throat for not sending Grandma an invitation or Save the Date card. I was looking back on my own son’s wedding. In retrospect, we never should have brought my mom out for it. It was an outdoor wedding, delayed due to weather. The venue dropped the ball, and 20 minutes before the ceremony was to begin, dirty lunch dishes (it was a restaurant) still littered tables. I couldn’t attend to Mom and had to pass her on to my daughter’s in-laws. I felt terrible! But, for the remaining six years my mom was on this earth, she treasured the wedding invitation and wedding photos my son gave her, even when she wasn’t quite sure who the people in the photos were any longer. It was just the idea that her grandchild cared enough to include her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Ahmijoy, thank you for your reply. Yes, it is the idea that my mother's grandchildren care enough to include her, even if she is unable physically or mentally to attend. I think this is the crux of the matter for me. The other responses were also helpful. My non-inviting son realizes that grandma is in no condition to attend. The invitation for her will be symbolic only. I know we will work through this...thanks, again, for everyone's response.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Rather than an actual invitation how about having the young couple send gma an engagement picture and details about the upcoming nuptials rather than an actual invitation and the promise of a photo or two of the actual ceremony. maybe the bride could borrow something from Gma for the "something borrowed " item.
it would also be wonderful if the couple visited gma on their way to the ceremony if that is practical. What a treat for the other residents and staff.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter