Dads strength is gone and needs a walker. Often he falls down. My mother is tired and sometimes confused. Should I move in with them? - AgingCare.com

Dads strength is gone and needs a walker. Often he falls down. My mother is tired and sometimes confused. Should I move in with them?

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They are 88. They have to pay a handyman to care for the outside and odd jobs and a house cleaner to vacuum. My mom wont let her clean the bathrooms and they are pretty nasty when I visit. I visit at least once a week. but should more often. I don't work. But I find it so hard to communicate with them when I do. I am alone most of the time and have no stories to entertain them. But now my mother may have colon cancer, we are waiting for results and I think this will be the time they will need someone there 24/7. Thinking of moving into their upstairs area, but, my parents can be so domineering at times its unbearable. And my father can be quite insulting at times. I know the answer is yes move in and care for them. They put up with my crap as a teenager. Now I have to put up with theirs and take care of them. Im just worried about getting yelled at all the time again...

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Captain, I envy your experience caring for your mother. My mother died suddenly, and I never got to care for her. Just for my crabby old dad. But my crabby old dad loved me, which made it possible to put up with occasional abusive language.

If the parents and the child never got along, add caregiving and you get disaster.
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While Mom is gone, Dad may fall down, but this time you send him to the ER and then to the nursing home, hopefully close to your mother, but not in the same room, so she can rest.
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Divide and conquer. When mom goes into the hospital, make it clear to the discharge planner that Dad cannot take care of mom, and get her to rehab at a Nursing home. The housekeeper can now clean unimpeded. In a couple of weeks, the rehab facility will know if she can go home or if she needs to stay.
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apprehensive bunch on this thread and for good reason, caregiving is mind bending but im saying youll never regret taking care of your aged parents. my mother crappied off on me on aug 1. i love her more every day. she was nuts. brilliance that most can only read about.
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Crowley,

You didn't say why you don't work...are you retired? If not, are you disabled? If neither of them, then what? I think your circumstances make a difference on this decision...
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Don't move in!
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Crowley, think about this for a minute. Your parents raised you approximately 18 years to adulthood to enable you to take care of yourself independently and make a life for yourself, just as they did for themselves. Do you think they intentionally had you for the purpose of raising you to take care of them in their old age? Elder caregiving is not for the feint of heart, and there are other ways that you can help with their care short of moving in with them. JeanneGibbs, who is a very wise woman, made a most important point for you to consider - how will you be able to tolerate living with them if you have a hard time being around them already? If you are an only child, 'managing' your parents care will naturally fall to you, whether you do some things yourself or arrange for others to do certain tasks. If you have not gotten all the legal docs taken care of yet, now would be a good time to get that out of the way. If you read under the 'Money & Legal' tab on this site, you will find lots of helpful guidance there. Beyond that, you need to try and shed your childlike outlook and emotional responses to your parents. Your childhood is gone and you are now the adult in charge. If you do choose to move in with your parents, you can consider yourself the "Resident Manager". Not saying you turn into an ogre, but you will need to decide what is a reasonable working operation for the household. Yes, you will have to put up with their crap (in more ways than one), but you can decide how much you will put up with. Getting yelled at is one of them. You have to set your limits or boundaries (such as 'no yelling') - (lots of great advice setting boundaries from other caregivers throughout this site) and stick to them firmly but fairly. In some ways it's like training a puppy (except you can't hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper - or anything else for that matter)! Good luck and keep coming back to share with us.
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Please!! Listen to jeanne . Explore all other options before moving in. Contact your local elder affairs ask them all the questions asked here.. You said your Mom doesn't like driving to NH but then feels guilty when she didn't visit, What I heard from that statement is she does care about Dad but is nervous and needs support.

Again Please find outside help. My Mom's been living with me for 12 years and she started out independent but at 91 that is not the case anymore. I can't work anymore, I can't leave over night, I have to watch her daily because just recently she's started to wander outside' the list goes on and on....Good luck and think twice about moving in, most days either I want to bang my head against a wall or cry!
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Here's the deal. Your mother doesn't like her privacy invaded. You don't like giving up your privacy and your life! This can't be only about your mother getting everything she likes and you getting nothing you like, or you are doomed before you start. If you agree to come in and take care of Dad so that Mom doesn't have to, she has to give up something too. You are her daughter, not her servant, and if you don't start out on that basis I foresee a lot of heartache ahead.

You visit at least once a week now, but you have a hard time bringing yourself to come more often. How will you be able to tolerate 24/7 with them if you can't stand it now?

For some people moving into their parents' home is a good solution. But it is not for everyone. Please don't rush into this because you "have to." Consider not only what is best for your parents, but what can work for you, too.
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My mother doesnt like outside help intruding on her privacy. Visiting nurses are out as well as the PT. They just dont like people. My mother hates caring for my father, but also hates driving to the nursing home daily to visit and feels guilty when she doesnt. Now hes home sitting in his chair watching tv all day long stumbling out to the dining room when meals are ready. I noticed shes feeding him things like spaghettios alot because she resents having to cook for him. She refuses to help him dress and will not help him up when he falls. He is going down fast. She resents his weekness so much I dont know how to intervene without moving in and taking over.
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