Follow
Share

I'll get right to it.
My older sister abused me when I was a child. I was attacked, bullied and suffered greatly at her hands. She was six years older, lying, devious, cruel. My mother, who has behavior patterns similar to Aspergers and also shows signs of narcissistic personality disorder, ignored my pleas for help, dismissing all the sisters behavior with a wave and a "toughen up".
I forgave the sister as a young adult but she ended up behaving in a manner so repugnant and outrageous that I ended up changing my plans and leaving the area, taking my 91 year old mother to another state. I spent over a year setting her up here, doing virtually everything to find, negotiate, settle and manage everything from planning her garden to finding her doctors.
I just found out that my mother, my sister and my aunt have formed a new chatty little group, and I feel outrage. This morning I told mom that I knew about this (saw the emails because I was fixing something for her). I said, you have welcomed my abuser and it makes me feel sick.
I am frustrated at being my mothers unpaid lackey and I am angry. Today I feel like packing up everything and leaving. I feel no loyalty to the two of these women for harboring this monster, and once again, I see the dismissive wave of, "oh, get over it".
Would you leave?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Forgiving a loan - I like that! I do agree that forgiveness is on the side of the injured party, and, as you say, may not be earned or deserved, but does give benefits. It does feel much better than carrying a grudge. :)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I see forgiveness in a little different light. It is letting something go even though the debt has never been paid -- pretty much like the forgiving of a loan. We do get so much from forgiving someone. Hate and anger can be like a cancer chewing the insides of us, keeping us awake at night. In my mind, forgiveness is on the side of the injured party and may not be earned or even deserved. But it sure feels better than carrying the grudge!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Jessie -I think "righteous" anger and forgiveness can co exist. I remember someone doing something to me once that really raised my hackles. I let them know, they apologized, and I accepted and forgave, but told them in no uncertain terms to never do it again, and I can still feel a little surge of anger - but I have forgiven.

While on the topic, personally I don't think that an apology is necessary for forgiveness. I think it makes it easier, but forgiveness, as I understand it, is a choice, not a feeling, though the feelings may follow. One definition: "I choose to give up my right to hurt you, for hurting me." Works for me and has nothing to do with feeling forgiveness towards someone. However, I also retain the right to protect myself from further hurt by you. The anger can help you to keep that in place, not that, in your case, with your bro it is applicable as he is dead.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree with what Joan wrote. My oldest brother was abusive and made my childhood miserable. My parents and other brother never helped me. My mother once even went as far as saying it was better me than her. My brother was not mentally right.

Forgiving long-term abuse is not an easy thing, and I can tell it didn't happen here. Nor did it happen for me. I still get angry thinking about my brother. I felt nothing when he died a few years ago. I do know that if he hadn't died that I would not be here now, because I know he would be over here daily bleeding my mother for money. It is what he did his entire life.

I have forgiven my parents for letting it happen, but it was not a gracious forgiveness. I just realized they were horrible parents who probably never should have had kids. Children need more than a house and food. They need guidance. Still, I am glad they did have children, since I wouldn't have been here otherwise... at least not in this body.

Strange thing is that my mother has never forgiven us kids for our teenage years. She brings up the bad things we did as teens that ruined her life. She doesn't recognize her role in raising the troubled teens. We were just bad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

cm - I identify with you and thirdkid, though the verbal/emotional abuse is shared by mother and sister. I have come to accept that is how they are, and am one of the ones who still stay involved, though at arm's length as much as possible. I have no doubt there is some personal satisfaction felt by my sis when I get reamed out my mother, and I have no doubt that some of the time, she is involved in "setting me up". I have had to separate myself from their view of me, see myself as a worthwhile person, and do what I think it right, not what they lay upon me. It takes work, and a lot of work, I forgive them regularly. It is ongoing and, for me, it has to be. I do this not for them, but for me and my God who instructs me to forgive. I don't want the poison of unforgiveness/bitterness inside me. It is like carrying part of them in me and that is the last thing I want for myself. I still leave myself the option of completely cutting ties with them. So far I have not exercised that. Even giving myself that option helps.

You have to find an way through it where you can remain true to yourself whatever your choices are, and allow yourself some space to heal. If you can remain connected to some degree, and still heal - good. If not, I think you owe it to yourself to provide for yourself what you need in order to heal.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to anyone dealing with this
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Me too, Jeanne; this thread trod right on my personal corns.

I feel, for what it's worth, that there's a point being missed. On top of all the unresolved anger towards sister - and don't I know it, how hard it is to shovel all that to one side - there's the feeling of betrayal. And it's NOT because mother still wants to be in touch with sister, who is after all her own daughter, which makes it make a certain sense, at least; it's because the three of them have formed this giggling high school posse behind Thirdkid's back. Ouch ouch and ouch again! My God I'd have been incandescent, too, if I'd stumbled over those emails.

I don't have the problem of my mother's being complicit, or not any more I don't because she can't use the phone nor see to use email - which is another problem on its own, but another story - and in any case my mother's main failing was her inability to intervene, not her indifference; but I am currently experiencing deeply unhelpful hostility from my three siblings, to a greater or lesser extent, along with the uncomfortable sensation that a great many discussions get held among them that never include me. It's horrible, and it's about as unhelpful as it gets - short, of course, of some of the breathtaking outright warfare that goes on that we all read about here and weep.

Thirdkid, I hope you held your ground. Please post if you're still reading. x
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Oh! I just realized this post is half a year old! Thirdkid, if you are still around, I would love to hear how things are working out for you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I think that most of us have some experience with sibling rivalry, either as children or with our own children or both. For SOME rivalry issues the appropriate parental response might be "work it out yourselves."

Few of us (I think -- could be wrong) have experience with actual sibling abuse. (Perhaps because our parents would have put a quick stop to that kind of behavior.)

You have cut ties with your sister. Totally understandable.

Instead of detaching from the parent who enabled the abuse, you decided to get deeply involved in managing her life. I have a harder time understanding that, although I've learned from others on this site who grew up with narcissistic mothers that this is not unusual behavior.

Personally, I think it is time to cut ties with both abusers -- your sister and your mother. But I'm offering this as an outsider who has not had experience with abusers or with mentally ill parents.

I wish you peace as you go forward, whatever you decide to do.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thirdkid my own mother dismissed my childhood molestation by my father and went as far as to tell my husband it never happened. I hate her for such disloyalty. Leave your mother now! I will never take on my mother's care. There are other horrible issues with her, but that sealed the deal for me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I have to agree with LadeeC. Assuming you have medical and financial POA, I would make arrangements for her to go to a facility - end of story. Give your Mom the wave and 'get over it' treatment right back. Let her see how fast your Aunt or your Sister will come to her rescue - I think she will be in for a rude awakening. If they want her back, I would turn over the POA's to them as well. Truly walk away from this toxic life you knew, and go live a healthy life free from any guilt.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Tthank you, LadeeC! That helps!
I don't see a difference either. After I posted this question here I realized that it was more appropriate for a sibling abuse survivor forum. The profoundly sick and tangled mess that I live with every day is.....daunting. Most people have no idea what sibling abuse is, and think it's like "sibling rivalry". You are right-- and I will NOT wait for Hell to freeze over!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I see absolutely no difference in sibling abuse than I would of a mother who ignored or diminished the harm done by a father. The act of tolerating abuse to her child by ANYone is abhorrent and inexcusable. Personally, I *do* see that your issue is with both parties: the abuser (your sister) and the silent witness (your mother). Take your stand and abide by it. If your mother prefers your sister, get the hell outta Dodge. Tell 'em you'll 'get over it' the day they both take full accountability for their actions. And don't wait for hell to freeze over.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

It is clear to me that the above two answers show a lack of information about sibling abuse. Thank you anyway! I turned my life upside down to pack up and relocate that old woman to another state (at her request) and I can see how stupid I am.
Oh well. Interestingly, it has come to my attention that my mother bullied her siblings (but had a mother who was, at least, paying attention and would intervene to set boundaries). It's possible that she is enjoying all this, as it puts her in the spotlight again. Makes me sick. I'm done with these people, even if I'm stuck here.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I would have to agree with NancyH. Your problem is with your sister, not your mother. While you have issues with the sister, mom doesn't and still wants to see her daughter. I know you would like mom to pledge allegiance to you but it just doesn't work that way. If you have power of attorney, you can limit the visits, though.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Are you mad at your sibling and aunt, or mad at yourself instead. You're an "unpaid lackey" because that's how you set it up to be, since I didn't read that you wanted any money from your mother for her care. Is your evil sister coming to stay with your mother? If that's the case, then why would you have to hang around while she's there? BUT if you're just mad that your mother is "chatty" with the evil sister but doesn't plan on having her come and stay, then I'd say let that part go. I didn't read that your mother ever did take seriously the things that you told her about the evil sister, so why would she stop talking to her? The evil sister isn't your MOTHERS problem after all. You already said your mother tends to be narcissistic, so why would she care about anyone elses feelings except her own? These are questions that only YOU can answer, then decide how you want to handle things. Chatting with the enemy is one thing, but bringing the enemy to live with her is quite another. In that case I'd hit the road and not look back. Sorry.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter