I'm 40 years old.
I've never dated, but haven't even looked in about 5 years. Before I took on taking care of my Mom I'd get jobs through the temp agencies, hoping for something I'd like that would become full time. I've even given up going out once a week.
The social workers at the last place Mom stayed when she had pneumonia told me to spend some time to myself, which on their recommendation I did, and Mom told me I should have instead stayed and worked on our, admittedly messy, home.
My family when I try to vent frustration to them only respond with "You chose this life by only having temp jobs" or "You'll regret saying that when she's gone". The only one that seems to be on my side is my niece who keeps insisting on our getting a respite worker to work at least once a week, which Mom says she doesn't want and doesn't see a need for.
Given my age, should I be trying to get my life started or continue spending most of my time with Mom and waiting for the unfortunate end to come, one I pray every six months to be pushed back another six months, and then get things rolling? I'd like to have a family of my own someday.
If your mother is in her final stage of life, that puts a little different spin on things. Then she should be on hospice, you should be getting support and encouragement from the hospice team, and your unwillingness to leave the house makes more sense. Hospice offered me some respite care, but I declined, saying I could deal with the last few months with my own support system.
But you do not indicate that your mother is near death. Any of us could die at any time, of course. Knowing that should help us be kind to each other and resolve relationship problems quickly. But it does not call for us to cling to each other. It does not call for us to give up our own living anticipating someone else's death.
It is possible, but not very likely (unless she is already in final stage), that Mother could die while you are away. It is possible that she could die while you are asleep, or in the shower. It is possible (but not very likely) that you could die while you are away. These things are out of our hands. Trying to structure our lives around the possibility of unexpected death is just not healthy. (My attitude is a little different once someone is in the active process of dying.)
Please do not base all of your decisions on what Mother says she wants or thinks is necessary. She is not well. She may not be capable of seeing the big picture. People who are ill often become self-centered in ways they cannot help. You must do what is right for you, as well as do your best for your mother.
Talk to your own spiritual leader. Is it right to not fully embrace this life you have been given? How can you balance your love of your mother and the commandment to love yourself?
I hope that you can start living your own life now.
When your mom says that *she* doesn't need respite, tell her that YOU do. YOU need to know she's safe (to my way of thinking, worrying that she might die is just too demoralizing) **and** YOU need a bit of a break, so that you can continue to take care of her.
If you can't see yourself pulling away from mom, you may want to see a therapist.
Unless you are wealthy, you will need a job. What about your own retirement? You cannot wait until 60 to start planning for that.
Bluntly, a 40 year old without a career, much less a job, will have a very difficult time dating. Not because women are gold-diggers, but most women want to be with someone that can offer security and has at least an equivalent job. More importantly, you need to be your own man before you think of sharing a life with someone else.
Live your life. Mom did.
yea theres angst watching your life slip past but i contend that caring for her was more rewarding than than dating insincere women.
bigger plan. Don't put yourself in a position to "wish I woulda" the rest of your life. Life with family is the most important thing...but, you have to also look at your own life so you don't get burned out and/or resent the situation the REST of your life. I wish you the best with what YOU feel is right.
So as PStiegman says, you HAVE to build a life apart from your mom. You need friends and activities that will ground you and keep you engaged and involved in life when your mom is no longer here. If you don't need work for the money, then get out and do some volunteer work that is far removed from caregiving. Find a volunteer activity that is something you like. Or start going to church or get involved in some kind of group. You deserve a full life apart from your mom. Your family (other than your niece) just doesn't get it. But we do, so come back here for support.
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