Should I allow my grandmother to die?

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She was recently diagnosed with a bowel obstruction and is refusing surgery. I do have an activated POA and can make all medical decisions for her. She is only 77 yrs old, with Alzheimer's/dementia. Should I honor her wishes? Or go against them. She fractured her femur in January and now has a hard time walking due to her refusing any physical therapy. When I attempt to get her moving, she gets very nasty and argumentative. She can barely move now, I can only imagine how it would be after abdominal surgery. She is very non-compliant. What do I do?
Another thing is she really isn't my grandmother, I just call her that. She lives with me due to her entire family abandoning her. I have been taking care of her for 3 years. I just recently started speaking to her daughter.
The doctor told me that if she is not going to have the surgery, she will be placed in Palliative Care.

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That's really good. I'm happy for you.
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Thank you everyone for your comments and encouragement. She had the surgery and is now in a sub-acute unit at a nursing home. I went to visit her yesterday and she is perfectly content there. I just spoke with her on the phone and she sounded so happy. So I guess in the end it turned out alright. I must say she was a little upset with me yesterday because she thinks I am out of her life and can't tell her what to do or make decisions for her, but I corrected her and told her she is not rid of me. she actually told me to go home! She was upset because I told the CNA she needed a shower, found out she refused one the night before. I told the her and the CNA no more refusal, if she does, I need to be called and if need be I'll come up and give her a shower! Keep in mind prior to me getting involved with her care she hadn't showered or bathed in over 3 years! But at least she is happy where she is at.
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I agree with orangeblossom5 sweetie hang tough u have done so much for her. Hugs for you and your family. God Bless.
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My mother expressed that she wanted to die more than once in her final years. She was tired of living, I guess, especially when she couldn't call the shots anymore. The final time it came about was when she turned yellow and the doc wanted to put in a stint to relieve the bile from her liver. She stated to us as a group, "Your just extending MY life!" It was rather a shock to hear that, but we gently disagreed and told her that it was her choice, but it might make her more comfortable. She chose to have the stint put in, and yet died two weeks later. We certainly did not know how long she had, and the doctor's best guess was 3-6 months. Of course, if we had crystal balls, we would have never suggested it. That was five years ago and I don't regret how it happened, because we did the best we could. 77 may be young, but Alzheimers is hard. Keep asking questions and letting her know the answers, but it's her call. We all wish we could keep out loved ones from crossing over, (or whatever you believe) but it's out of our hands.
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I pray that my children honor my wishes. I would hope that for everyone.
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I'm happy to see so many rational people here on this site. When did we get to a point where everyone has to be kept alive at any cost? This is why we all need to discuss our wishes before we get to that inevitable time when we are not thinking clearly. I recently had to make that decision when the medics wanted to take mom to the hospital. That's when it really hit me, this is it, this is when I say no thank you, we'll just stay here in our nice comfortable home & see what happens. Turns out, she got better but even if she had not I was OK with the decision because I know she did not want to go to the hospital.
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Honor her wishes. I have experience with doing both; keeping them alive and letting them go. It's best to let them go, but before you do, give them a comfortable, caring ending. It's the respectful and kindest thing you can do for someone you care about.
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I think you got the POA because you are most familiar with granny's wishes. As her voice, try to decide as she would... and who would want such a diminished "life" as she will have in the best of circumstances, and possibly even worse if surgery further affects her negatively?Also note that healing from surgery at 77 is different from 57 or 67. God bless you for taking this role to heart. Aside from money, western medicine focuses on fixing each symptom instead of considering the whole person. I think you know in your heart what's right, so follow your heart.
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First of all ... big hugs and prayers to you for being a caregiver when no one else apparently would. I can't know the right answer for you, but I can give you some insight from my experience.

My mother is 84, in relatively good physical health, but has Alzheimer's and is progressively declining mentally. She is at the stage where she sometimes knows there's something wrong with her, but can't comprehend what is happening. She gets very scared, and sometimes lashes out in bouts of frustration and anger. It's all part of the disease. During more lucid moments, she will comment that she doesn't want to be like this anymore and doesn't understand why she can't go be with my dad (he passed away 7 years ago).

If Mom were to face a life-threatening illness, I don't think we (my siblings and I) would opt for extreme measures but rather look to comfort and quality of life. Mom has had some stints in the hospital and nursing home for a few not too serious falls, and her mental decline each time was markedly greater. I couldn't imagine putting her through any more than is necessary. And if I ever develop this awful disease, I would hope my daughter would do the same for me.

Give your granny all the hugs and love and comfort you can. And God bless you all.
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This is a very difficult decision to have to make, but something that I came to realize with my sister's battle with cancer that it got to a point where I felt selfish for helping her fight a pointless battle. She was tired and gave it all she had but in reality she had no future and no quality of life left. I know that this is totally different but ask yourself this question. If she gets through the surgery and things are fine what lies within her future? Her quality of life is going to be compromized with the dementia and will be another long tough road to have to travel and it will not be pretty for either of you. If it were me I would abide by her wishes and leave it in God's hands. Wishing you both the best of luck. Hugs to you.
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