I have brought down h*ll on myself by inadvertently reporting myself to a Michigan elder abuse hotline. Michigan's 800-number for anything-eldercare caused my call's referral to my 96-year-old Dad's county elder abuse service. What a fiasco. Michigan people -- NEVER call any state elder-focused agency without knowing you may open an abuse case. Michigan people -- Michigan uses a single 1-800 number for elder everything. Watch out for that.
First, our VA/Medicaid planning-certified elder attorney did not answer calls (my four voicemails for follow-up advice re the "changes" he recommended we call for including change of living status), for which we indicated we would pay. We signed his documents in January 2011, and paid for all eldercare documents that are now over five years old.
Dad (now 96), pays out each month, for homecare, more than his combined income by $10K/year (I am his VA Fiduciary and DPOA). The only reason he can stay in his beloved home is because my sister and I pay all bills beyond ADL care. ADL-and-medical care is $55K+/year, for which his thankful pensions and VA A&A barely cover. Sister's baby cam increasingly shows Dad doesn't sleep at night, though he is so dependable and never leaves his chair nor bed after 2 a.m.
Should we bother to attempt for Medicaid? Mostly we'd be hoping for someone to sleep with an alert, or do student homework and monitor him, passively, from Midnight through approximately 9 a.m.
September 2015 I received AC advice to contact State of Michigan re eldercare resources, and thereby unwittingly opened a Michigan case of Elder Abuse, because nobody was "there with Dad" at night. I spent the next year and a half defending that we did not abuse Dad. It was a nightmare. I really don't want to phone any state or county agency, if I can help it.
Does he make too much at $32,148/year pension plus VA A&A $21,528? With annual caregiving expense of $55K+? We have spent so much in time and money, for his care, that our own elder years are shot.
I am reading more frequently that staying at home is the best, most humane, lease resource drain on government, if a person can do that. Dad seems ideal, as he does not wander, is not a behavioral problem, and has good habits. But we lie awake at night, knowing he is alone, and knowing we have betrayed Family Values by not moving in with him. Dad WANTS TO STAY IN HIS HOME, and his county's guardian ad litum said he is competent to make that decision.
Dad was in Nuclear Occupation. VA has "destroyed" any records that show Navy was there outside of "hot" times (National Archives attests there are no records for his lobotomy and breakdown). I have lymphoma. Sister has severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and various blood disorders. Dad attests to patrolling the Hiroshima grounds and smelling the place 50 miles out at sea, was the first ship to arrive. Dad is steller, but we are so very tired and haven't been able to spend time together in over five years (as we try to stagger our increasingly infrequent trips to Dad's). We love our Dad, but feel that our sputtering-visits do not help him anymore. Emotional/legal/financial advice appreciated.
PS, haven't written in a long time because my own husband, a Korean vet, 84, has had triple bypass/valve replacement (2015) and triple laminectomy (2016) and simply comes first before Dad, because a visit to Dad would mean that I leave husband alone for three days (commute two days, spend a day with Dad). Sister (60 in May 2017), can no longer drive long distances. We are so fortunate to have an incredible caregiver, who picks up Dad during ice storms and lets him sleep at her home.
But we see writing on the walls of our mutual loved-one relationships. Any words or ideas? I belonged to AC Borderline group (I thought that was my biggest problem), but this has gone way beyond the psychological damage. I now get that my Mom, crazy-mean, was dealing with much more than I knew (as she ejaculated as she lay dying and cursing us for our neglect).