Should an elder ever be left alone in a car?

It is so important that you have a CALM talk with the caregiver. True every person with dementia is different but if you as the family member are not comfortable with this issue or any issue with the care of your love one you must speak on it!! At times I can leave my husband in the car while I go in the store (not for hours on end nor minutes if store has long lines ) my mind is on him in the car. It really depends on the state of mind that day with dementia if is not so good that day HE COMES IN STORE WITH ME!! My husband too likes to put the carts back and I let him watching him all the time and he like to pick some things for himself in the store (this is on good days). I much tried to give him freedom of being himself as much as I can ( with love and protection). Please to ALL get you love one a ID BRACELET or id of some kind and know what they are wearing every time you go out. Every ones situation is different. Bless You All.

Let me share with you my experience with parked cars that happened to me in 1986.

I parked my brand new car in a parking lot, front first facing a lamp post. I took my two children into the store (thank God).

About an hour later, I heard my car and plate number being announced over the store's speakers. When I arrived at the front desk, there were three police officers. I looked out the window and saw lights flashing. There was an EMS truck and two police cars. And the crowd.

Seems that a woman had left her elderly father who suffered with dementia in her car. He decided to drive the car. When he backed out, he slammed (and I mean slammed) into my car, which pushed the back seat into the front seat, the front seat being into the lamppost.

A few points to be made...

1. IF I had left my children in the car (which was popular back then) they'd have been injured and/or killed.

2. My car was totaled. A car with less than 50 miles on it was totaled. Gone. Demolished. Literally looked like an accordion.

3. Elderly driver was brought to he hospital.

Now, substitute your mom for either the driver and/or my children.

If it happened to me, it can happen to everyone. Nobody is exempt.

That's the answer to your question. Absolutely not! Not even for a second.

I'd be looking for a new 'caregiver'.

Many times my mother stayed in my locked car while I went into the store to get her groceries. I was very quick as I always am and she was fine.

Many on here seem to be missing the point. They keep comparing the fact that they do this with their loved one whether it be a parent or husband and leave them in the car. That's totally different, many don't have a choice but to take the person they're caring with them.

I know in my own case with my dad, I had to do trip quick to the stores and come home. So I also get having to take someone with you in the car. This isn't the case here. This is someone who is being paid for a job and is using that time to run errands.

She can go to Walgreens on her own time.

This is different. This is PAID caregiver who is running personal errands while on the job.

The OP stated there was no reason for them to be going to store in regards to something the mother needed or to buy supplies for the house. This paid caregiver was on her own errand. That is not what she is being paid for.

Hope1007, yes you talk to this person in a calm manner, but you also don't pussyfoot around the issue. Bottom line she is an employee, not the other way around. You give her a chance to explain what happened and you inform her that this isn't acceptable, she can run her errands on her time. Not yours.

Lot's of things could have gone wrong. Many agencies don't even want the paid caregiver leaving the home with the elderly patient for liability reasons.

other issue I guess I missed is it was a home care person someone paid to stay with her that took her. I dont agree with that your paid to be there not out doing your shopping.

Any paid caregiver is doing a JOB not their personal stuff. No way should they be dashing in anywhere! In my area we have pharmacies with drive-thru; if not you can always have the doctor Fax the script and have it ready for pick up at a time convenient for you.

I have you care givers delimma. Mom will go with me then decide she is to tired to go in. We live 20-30 minutes from town so driving her home at that point is not an option. Either i leave her home alone for 2 hours or i leave her in the car. Until recently, i had no back up. I have also tried taking her in to Sam's with mee and had her sit in the food court while I grabbed what was needed. This worked once and the next time came to find me. Your mother is not made out of sugar and will not melt if she gets wet. You were not around. You do not know what occured before they left. If you mother has any amount of demensia, she cannot tell you. She could have been the one who wanted to go or she may haveinsisted she needed something. Sometimes it is easier to go with the flow and if they want a new box of cartoon band aides or a yellow umbrella and want to go look, you go as long as there is no harm. Most days if i can get mom dressed, I consider it a good day. If I can get her out of the house (I work from home so i am "on" 24/7/365), its a great day. If I can get her out of the car into a store, its fantastic. I will settle for great if i have to. And lets not forget the importance of retail therapy. For a caregiver, even 5 minutes can sometimes help you recharge. You can calmly ask what the situation was but unless you are willing to take over, I would be careful about "laying down the law". You can outline your expectations but no one is going to be able to do things exactly how you think they should be done. Unless you are in the situation full time, you really will not know. If she is not able or unwilling to try or to give you reasons why she does things or why what you wanted was not doable, find someone else but bear in mind, it may mean giving up you own freedom and doing it yourself

My mother has mild to moderate Altzheimer's and needs her walker to get around. She is still very coherent and would probably be fine if I left her in the car for a few minutes, but I almost never do that. Even though she seems fine, it makes me nervous to leave her unattended because I'm not an expert on this disease and it's better to be safe than sorry. I don't mean to upset you again, but I completely agree with you. She absolutely should not have been left alone in the car.

Based on your mother's condition, I would say get rid of this caregiver.

Litldogtoo you are absolutely right no one gets left in a car alone. Years ago people would leave their children in the car when they had to run into the store not sure why everyone thought this was OK but it was done frequently. I lived in a small town where a mother went into a store left the infant in the back seat of the car doors locked and the car cought on fire by the time someone realized there was a child in the car and shattered the window it was too late the car was engulfed in flames the infant died. This happened almost 40 years ago but I have never forgotton it and never will, don't ever leave someone in the car alone that does not have the mental and physical ability to get out if needed.

When I found out that my in house babysitter for my kids was taking my kids out and about without telling me and without permission, I promptly fired her.

Kids or elderly, they are supposed to watch them. If you haven't given permission for them to take them out of the house for a ride in the car, then they shouldn't do so. What if they were in a car accident and you had no idea they were even out? What if when the sitter was in the store and your LO fiddled with the gears and put it in neutral and the car rolled etc etc.

You need to create guidelines to be clear what can and cannot be done or options with your permission (such as she calls and asks if they can go to the store, can she be left in the car etc). Without clear guidelines, you really can't be upset IMHO. Yes, I agree with you on principal because I'd have blown a cork, but because she is an employee, its best to make it clear what is permissible.

Treat this like a business arrangement. Would your employer allow you to take a company car out without permission on their time?

However, 24/7 is a lot of time to be on the clock. Isn't she given personal time breaks? I'd give her some time when you are there during the day, say 2 hour lunch break. Then she can go and attend to her personal business or just get a mental break. Everyone deserves that, regardless if they are paid or not.

The original question boils down to, What if something happened to your mother while this caretaker was shopping?

Sometimes I think, What if something happens to my mother while in my care and some aggressive prosecutor decides to try me for elder abuse?

IS leaving a person in a running car 'elder abuse' if they get out of the car and wander away? What about if your elder wanders away from you while you're physically there with them and you turn your back for one second?

There are so many questions I have now re caring for an elder and/or child. It's scary.

No judgements here. I have done it in the past with my mother who started out with mild dementia and just didn't want to get out of the car. I would run in and run out if I had an errand to do. Now things have changed and she is very much worse in her dementia. She has NEVER wandered but who knows now. I have her in adult day care three times during the week and I try to get things done while she is there but I also have to work. Now some new decisions have to be made. Perhaps nursing care is my next choice. I just can't do it all.

DGB60- could this event be a flashpoint over the overall situation rather than about moms trip to the store? You've posted about the challenges of your 94 yr old mom; you moved into your moms home & its the home of a 90 yr old; you drive 150 miles daily for work; mom is incontinent bladder & bowels; she fell; you now have caregivers living at your moms home now 24/7. And it's going into 5 years of this........Live-in sitters year after year in a house where you are somewhat an extended guest staying in your childhood room is very very tough & likely depressing.

Perhaps now is the time to do a reality check on the situation for all? Mom is paying for all this correct? 24/7 is expensive,So it seems the funds are there to pay for care. Why was no consideration looked into for having her move into a private pay facility? Have you changed the house enough so that it is your home?
Do you have an life other than work, the road & your immediate family?Do you ever find that you come in off the road and get pissed that the caregiver is sitting watching Netflix & having a snack? Do you ever feel resentful?

Caregiver burnout doesn't just happen to those who do active daily care duties, but can happen to any of us who have to advocate & do things for them. You may be at this point.

Can you get an apt close to work and stay at moms just on weekends? After all she has 24/7 caregivers. If they require oversight, then mom needs to hire a more specialized group or mom needs to be in a facility or your siblings need to take turns on the workweek nights at moms house? The situation isn't working for you

One time I left my mother-in-law in the car while I went to get a few grocery items. She became confused, got out of the car, and came in the store looking for me. Not good!

A more alarming incident was when I was putting her and her walker in the car after a doctor visit. I put her in the passenger seat, tossed my purse on the center console, and went to the back to put her walker in. I heard a click, and my Honda CR-V's "valet feature" had locked all the doors. My keys were in my purse, and my mother-in-law was inside, unable to help by pushing the button to unlock the door. It was a warm day in June... Panicked, I went into the building and called my husband. Fortunately, he was home, and he drove over with an extra set of car keys. But his mom sat in that hot car for 30 minutes! So beware! If you have a car with a "valet feature," always keep your car keys in your pocket!

People, once again those who keep comparing leaving their parent in the car because it is the lesser of two evils of leaving them alone at home.

You are mixing apples and oranges. This isn't the case of the sole caregiver who has the decide "do I chance leaving mom home alone for 30 minutes while I go to the store or do I bring her with me"...that is a tough situation.

THIS IS A PAID CAREGIVER. Who was clearly running her own personal errands while on the clock. Aside from the fact that it could turn into a bad situation safety wise, it is stealing.

See the difference? It's not rocket science.

Not acceptable. You have a "chat" with her. Give her a chance to straighten up, she can go to Walgreens on her time, not yours.

I am really glad I posted this question and got such varied and good feedback. This is exactly what I was looking for, different points of view based on real life experience tempered with sound judgement. Since posing the original question I have more information regarding the hired caregiver that brought some things to light regarding her honesty. So the decision has to be made whether she needs to come back or ask the agency for a replacement. If she comes back I do need to have a talk with her regarding ground rules and expectations. It is one of those situations where she also has some really good qualities and is good with mom but can the honesty issues be resolved? My instinct tells me it is time for a change and for right now the person in question is off for a week and her replacement seems to be fitting in just fine for now. And I just want to let igloo752 know that your response to me is spot on. I have been pondering the very same questions you asked for awhile now. My situation has changed slightly, I do have a job now with a shorter commute but still is 100miles daily. Also it is a night shift where I work 8 nights on then have 6 off. I have started taking mini trips during my time off to give myself some time alone and that has helped. But yes I do get resentful of the situation still and no the house doesn't really feel like home to me. I have been finding myself thinking more often than not that it may be time for me to move on but keep putting off the decision because I know mom doesn't do change well and who knows maybe neither do I these days. Financially the situation is good for me but may be taking a toll on my emotional health so I need to weigh the options and just keep reaching out and talking to others about it. I have a good support group of women friends but have to admit I am not the best at asking for advice or help. Thanks again to everyone for the feedback and listening!

Sorry, I meant igloo572 in the previous post, must have had a dyslexic moment.

I guess leaving mom in the car was just the tip of the iceburg and you are now taking a very sensible look at the whole situation..

Deegeebee60- you have every right to be concerned. Every person with dementia should be wearing an ID when they leave home, and then, be prepared...if anyone leaves your loved-one in the car alone the police may call to say they, along the fire department, are at the vehicle with your loved-one because a Concerned Citizen called 911 thinking all old people should be out exercising instead of cat-napping in the car. The police are required by law to file a APS report for neglect no matter how innocent the circumstances. It only takes a moment for someone, Hero or Homeless, to approach the car and knock on the window and your loved-one is awakened disoriented by hearing them saying, "Are you all right in there? What's your name? Can you just open the door for me so I can see if you're ok?" Heaven forbid.

DGB60: You are blessed to have a job, and even if it's a schlep, it's a break. You are doing everything you can. Make sure that the interim/and agency are well aware (in writing) of your concerns, so it's a marker for a-n-y-o-n-e working with your Mom. Be gracious and kind but firm in your words. I am too a five-year veteran...but moved Mom into my home just for the exact reason you now find yourself in her 'ballpark' and don't feel like the team's 'manager'! Hang onto your sanity. Recently I re-read (in the bathroom!) "The Four Agreements", by Don Miguel Ruiz. You can flip around in it, but it is a great bit of logic in the otherwise emotional maelstrom we find ourselves. You are in my prayers for composure, clear thinking, and 'button' disconnect ! High-five for a great week to come.

I think it is ok to allow caregiver to leave your mom in the car for a short amount of time. Your instincts could guide you to the right answer. I have my 94 yr old dad with mild to severe dem, for 3 to 4 years was fine in car. But now he wants to sleep all day but has a hearty appitite. My. 93 yr old mom is stressed and very mad he sleeps so much. When hes up he sits and strares at newspa

Bobcare- Adult Protective Services is NOT ok with it - even if a person left alone for only a few minutes tries to open the door and sets off the car alarm, it is seen as neglect under the law.

That's very true about APS. Anyone think about the liability involved if the caregiver gets into a crash with the mother in the car? Who covers that? What if the caregiver who isn't getting paid much doesn't have car insurance, or enough insurance?

Again, people shouldn't compare what a paid caregiver does to what they do with their own parent. This caregiver in this situation is running personal errands and leaving the OP's mom in the car, not good.

We never leave our 88 year old in the car, but she always asks to be, even if she asks, she can never be left alone, that is why we are "her caregivers". Of we wonder if she was ever left in a car alone? we know she was left home alone in their (other siblings, it is possible they could have left her in a car, thinking it would be faster...) care that is why they do not take her anymore. A person with dementia cannot be left alone, in a house or car.

Weather, level of dementia, physical fitness all play a part. I personally would not leave an elder in the car if there was even the slightest mental issue. What if they get out and wander or fall or disappear? And always naturally take the keys with you. I think it is too much responsibility to dump on a caretaker. And how long are you going to be gone is another factor. I am against it.

I will leave my mother in the car if I need to run into the drugstore. She is still of sound enough mind and does not wander. I could take her in with me, but that would mean getting her walker out of the trunk and moving very slowly. Something that would have taken 1-2 minutes would take 10 minutes and would involve a discussion about how she had to come in with me. Most likely she would tell me to take her home if I couldn't leave her in the car. Then I would have to return by myself.

Really we have to use judgment. Our brains don't turn to jelly when we become caregivers. :) I wouldn't leave a baby in the car, because someone could steal the baby. I wouldn't mind so much if they stole my mother. :D

I'm sure this question has come up more than once, or maybe I'm just remembering all the comments from this thread TWO YEARS ago.

I told my daughter I could report her for elder abuse if she left me unattended in the car and her reply was "Enjoy your walk home Mum"
This is a joke if anyone is confused. I am 78 and still drive myself but she does leave me in the car!

It depends. Is the person lucid? Is the person sleeping? How long will the person be left alone in the car? What is the season or temperature? How old is the person?