Hi, everyone...
I asked earlier how to convince my husband to move back home...and it seems like at this point in time he's not going to move until his Mom is settled. (Back story: hubby moved in with parents while he recovered from his own health issues...ended up moving in full time when Dad declined. Dad passed and hubby is still there with Mom...six months later).
So...should my MIL live alone at age 92? She can cook (but prefers and asks for take-out a lot, and also leaves dirty dishes/pans out for days), can dress herself and can bathe herself (though there's no safety equipment in the bathroom), and is able to navigate her home relatively safely (the house is cluttered). She is hard of hearing and cannot really use the phone, and doesn't drive so she depends on my hubby to take her to the grocery store, etc. She also has never paid her own bills, or used an ATM card. It's questionable if she has early dementia or not - she can remember some details from events that took place years ago...and then tell you the same thing 5 times in the same day. (No formal diagnosis has been made.) Finally, as she's essentially house-bound, she has no one other than my husband for company. I worry this lack of socialization is making her memory problems worse.
She has made it clear that she doesn't want anyone in the house, so getting her to agree to in-home care is going to be difficult...but I believe she could use help with daily chores, cooking, and cleaning. Hubby seems to agree, but will not have the conversation with her. He wants to give her time as she did lose her husband. I understand that...but also feel like it's time to move forward. She's basically treating my husband as her surrogate husband and is not facing the life changes that occur when you lose a spouse.
Does it sound like she should live alone, or should she have some in-home help to continue to age in place? Would a facility be better so she can have others to socialize with?
Whether either of those things happen is the $64,000 question, isn't it?
FYI, this is almost certainly dementia, and whether there's a diagnosis or not doesn't really matter. You are observing the symptoms. It doesn't get better. Be ready for the next step, which could be wandering, setting the house on fire, or forgetting where the bathroom is. She shouldn't live alone, and she may not be capable of adjusting to the life changes you expect.
Her hearing problem needs to be addressed. Inability to hear contributes hugely to development of dementia because the neuron pathway from ears to brain begins to stop functioning. However, by waiting till this age to get hearing aids, she may not be able to understand how to use them and they may not do any good. You won't know until you try. I'll pass along what doctor said to my LO: "Get the best hearing aids that money can buy."
Absolutely NO on the in-home help. You have no idea how hard it is to get three shifts of caregivers who actually show up. And you'll need relief caregivers as well. Managing all of that is a full-time job, and no one is going to want to work in a cluttered house.
Good luck, and don't let her live with you. That shouldn't be an option.
As mentioned in previous responses to your last posting, this all comes down to what your husband is willing to do and not do. He has to stand up to his mom and say I can't do this long distance caregiving any longer. I need you closer to my home to be able to help you.
I'm not so sure he is willing to do that since his parents took him in while he was undergoing treatment. Wasn't that the situation? I am trying to remember the details of your previous posting. This all comes back to your husband.
For me, at 92, given the level of clutter and so on that Mom has lived in (apparently with your hubby THERE in it WITH HER for 6 months) I think I might do supportive care for her such as you CAN do, check on her, and allow her to pass in her own home. At some point, given the nature of things, push will come to shove with a fall. If she survives the fall, she will be hospitalized and placement can likely proceed from there.
The truth is that this is one of those situations where there simply is no perfect answer. Mom is competent enough to make decisions and is making BAD DECISIONS. Not a lot of this is in your control.
MIL will not like this. That's uncomfortable for your hubby, but it's OK. He should not expect her to agree or be happy about these major changes. Getting old kind of sucks and can leave you with very limited choices. But the issue now is her safety. I think hubby should decide which option he thinks is best for her - home caregivers or AL. And then put a plan in action ASAP.
Some therapuetic fibs may be needed. She won't agree to anything so he may need to get creative in the explanations. I told my mom that the cleaning lady and caregivers were for ME. I did not want to do all the cleaning. I needed help. I needed caregivers here so I could go babysit my grandkids and was not comfortable leaving her alone. If he prefers AL, tell her the house needs to be fumigated or some other thing that makes it inhabitable and then she just never comes home. He needs to be firm and not back down when she whines and cries. She'll adjust and everyone (well maybe not her) will be happier in the long run.
Llama is correct .
There are only two scenarios that will happen .
1) husband grows a backbone and makes his marriage a priority .
( If his mother truly needs someone with her 24 hours a day then she needs to go in assisted living ). If she doesn’t need 24 hour supervision , your husband should be coming back home to live with his wife and hiring some help , house cleaner , companion , whatever is needed .
2) Divorce.
The question is how long are you going to wait ? Unfortunately , I think you will have to give your husband a deadline to start living at home again with you . It does not mean he has to stop going to see Mom all together .
As far as cleaning and clutter, if the clutter is dangerous, maybe your husband can work on making it safer before he leaves. It might be good to have a cleaning service in place if she could stand it, but she might still resist.
Moving to a facility is not a good idea for everyone. Some people do not like to socialize even if it would be easy to do so. Consider her mental state and ability to live alone safely. If she is wallowing in grief, she might benefit from a Grief Support group, espeically and open-ended support group where people share their stories and help each other as theylern to move on with the next stage of their lives. There are many online if she does not want to attend one in person.
However, this isn't 'the real world' as some do.
My client is now 104 and she still lives alone - although she has had support / caregivers for a few hours a day for years.
Of course (husband's mother) "she isn't "facing the life changes that occur when you lose a spouse." She is 92 and grieving - what 40, 50 ? years with her husband.
* She is bonded with her son / your husband. Period. There is no changing that.
* It is HIS decision whether to stay with her / his mother or return to you. It appears he has / is making his choice / decisions. Even though it hurts you and you feel frustrated with this situation. It is what it is. Are YOU facing life changes that occur? as you seem to expect this 92 year old woman to do?
I believe your stance or question / concern / objective is to get your husband back home with YOU. So you want to make an argument that "she can manage alone" and seeking support for that position - by asking us.
When the focus should / could be on the WHO.
The first question is: has MIL been tested for dementia? what is the MD diagnosis? This is important to know - for needed care (caregivers, move to a facility).
She can / your husband could set up caregivers easily enough. Even if she doesn't want them.
The issue (seems to be) that your husband is making a choice that you do not want nor like. You feel hurt and trying to hang on / strategize... but for what end ?
In you feeling lonely, hurt, and frustration, you may be pushing your husband away. Even if his mother could / can manage alone, you know your husband won't leave her.
While you may not be pushing your husband to 'come home,' I sense the best strategy is to have an open heart and support him and in his decisions. Let him know you are on 'his side' vs a tug of war with him in the middle of you and his mother. This, of course, will not be easy for you to do. THINK of the outcome that you want ... You would likely benefit from outside support - therapy - church - friends. Lean on others now and take off the stress(ors) off that you are putting on your husband to 'come home.'
Give him room and let him know you are there - supporting him and his decisions.' He is doing what he wants anyway. You will not change that. So support him so HE feels it. It has to be real. You may not 'get there' or be able to do that w/o therapy or professional support.
Gena / Touch Matters