Is there a way to actually shorten the life span of my mother? I have been taking care of her for close to 19 years. This can't go on.

very insightful ted.....you deserve 5 stars for that observation....:)

Marissa, one more thing I want to say here. Ignore the people who have given you such judgemental responses, Only YOU are aware of exactly what your mom's situation is, and of course different cultures have different ideas of what is acceptable- but I have a strong suspicion that even here in the U.S. there is a damn good (though unspoken) reason why Hospice always has so much morphine on hand.
Keep strong.

A no, not really, but you can quit and say it is killing you and you are no longer able to care for this person and let someone else take over. Do not ruin your life....

Glad you checked in and are trying to move forward-I hope the nursing home solution works out for you.How does your daughter feel about it.I had to talk loud for my dad to hear also and I find 3 years later,I still catch myself talkin to loud.

marrisa thank you so much for replyin back . now we all feel so much better !
here in the usa , if ur parents dont have any money , poor , broke , homeless . there is a medicaid that takes over and pays for nursing home and for the care .
if parent have money they can go innursing home and pay for it out of thier pocket till theyre broke then medicaid steps in and takes over .
as for if theyre bedriden they ship mommy back to u is crock full of crap ! what are they thinking ! system sometimes is so way out of it .
i find takin care of bedridden is alot easier than it is when theyre up and whiney , wanna wanna , push em around in wheelchair and all . sometimes my dad would drag his feet , makin it harder for me to push him , lol
marrissa , i thank you again for reporting back to us . ure a speical girl that loves her mom more than anything 19 yrs is a longggggg time ! its time for u to say ok i done my job an dnow its time to move on . enjoy ur new hubby and cheerish the time u have with ur daughter .
keep in touch and let us know how it went . love u bunch xoxo

Great! Marissa you doing terrific! I'm willing to bet that this isn't the only option, but just the first one you've found. And I doubt anyone would return her to you if you actually do immigrate!

Keep it up, and let us know how you're doing and how we can help.

Thanks for the websites about Alzheimer's associations in the Phils. I will check these out. One critical issue that I constantly grapple is the finances to sustain my mom. I mentioned that she "might" live and linger on for many years to come. I've heard of 2 nursing homes near my area but it's all private-run, there's monthly fee and I wonder how to afford to sustain it over the long run. Also, I was told by one of these two nursing homes that once my mom gets into that bed-ridden stage, they will return her to me! This threw me off balance. The what if questions came back like what if she lives bed-ridden for many years again? Ahhh I don't know what to do!!!! That's why I asked this question. We all know too well that death is actually a very good solution to this kind of cases. It's the best and lasting solution, it frees up everyone concerned, and helps everyone move on whether positively or negatively. I just hope and pray God will provide the final solution to my mom's case. I hope she qualifies to that nursing home that is run by the government which my officemate told me is free of charge. I hope so. 19 years of caregiving.. it's simply draining and makes one jaded..

Wow, keeping prayers that she is taken into the facility. For her sake and yours. Have you contacted your local Area on Aging?? They CAN help you!! You need Respite care and if you do not take care of yourself, you WILL hurt your mother and end up in jail and then your daughter will have no one.
Good Luck,
Bridget

Thanks so much for your responses. It’s not an easy question to ask about shortening my mom’s life span, it’s been running in my head for many years to date. I might not be able to shorten her life span as I have no access to the drugs advertised on the internet, or just don’t have the money to buy it, or no guts to do it. Or all of the above reasons. What I am working on is to ask my former officemate to contact somebody in charge at the social welfare department office; it’s a national government agency. My ex-officemate said she recently visited a facility for elderly people but I need to go through an interview and evaluation process to determine if I qualify to let my mom move in to their facility and also assess my mom if they will accept her or not. Please all pray that she will be accepted and be found eligible to stay there for the many more years so that her welfare can be taken cared of. I just worry how long they can provide for her diapers and all that since she has incontinence daily and has probably Stage 5 Alzheimer’s disease. Anyway, as you all say, one step at a time. I will visit that facility for the elderly. It might not be free at all (nothing is free in these modern times) but I will see if this is the long-term solution so that my mom can be removed from my care as I have been suffering for close to 19 years of care giving. I am beginning to think that I also lost much of my youth and vibrant personality and got infected with the negativity that is common to elderly people. This is hard thing to shake off. So I want her distanced from me once she gets inside that facility. And if it would be possible, I want her there until the end of her life so that my daughter and I can travel abroad and possibly migrate once and for all. I have no plans to bring her with us as I don’t like to clash with my husband over care giving issues, just like what I frequently read here. It’s a mistake I know too well, and I’d better heed and listen to the many comments here rather than risk repeating it and seeing it happen to me & my future husband. It’s simply unfair to me, to my future husband and my daughter or his own kids to be fighting because of my mom who will surely put a strain to the entire relationship. I will let you all know if this December I can visit that facility, see for myself, and get interviewed and see if my mom will qualify. I hope she does, please pray for this to happen. It’s so much relief to actually have her away from the house for many years. I experienced this when she was at the hospital for hip surgery last March 2009 for 11 days. My daughter & I had the house all by ourselves, and we never have to make our voice loud just to hear each other. If my mom is here, it’s like we’re always shouting because of her bad hearing. Also, we get to clean and throw many of the things she hoarded for decades… LOL Good luck to me, thanks for all your prayers and support.

wow sweetie - thanks for being honest - and u have to do something for yurself and fast- get help now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My heart goes out to you! First thing I need to say is you must be giving your Mom the love and care she needs otherwise she would not be hanging on, so you should be blessed. Try to think about the whole scenario in a possitive way. For instance you are teaching your daughter and preparing her incase you need to be cared for someday. Your actions will be rewarded in many different ways for your good deeds, you will see. It may be hard for you to believe this but Karma is a strong energy and what goes around comes around. If you believe in heaven and Mom goes there first she will be there to greet you without any illness and with this in mind you should gain the strength to do what it takes to make her days on this earth as comfortable as possible.

You must get some help for yourself immediately. Call the Alzheimer's Association and ask for a crisis counselor. Then consider placing her in a home or get home care. You may have to spend down her assets to qualify for a government-funded option, but it sounds like you have already done this. You and your mother are both suffering...ask for help...like I tell my friends with little crying babies, put them in a safe place and go away for a little bit to compose your sanity. Pray, listen to soft music or call a friend. I wish I could help you more.

yeahright - thank you for standing up for marrissa ,

marla you should be ashame of yourself ! theres no way talkin to someone who is in the black hole ! she didnt put herself there it just sucks her right on in !
you may have not ever been in depessed , i have and its horrible ! you start thinking crazy stuff that goes thur ur head ! depressions is the evil talking !
thank god he pulled me out of it , thank u jesus ...

Bravo, Jam. Well done.

and I would like to remind some of you to read the statement in the "ADD YOUR ANSWER" box.

my pleasure to help a little and let's all pray that Marissa sees the info and gets some help for all of them.

Oh jam, you are truly an angel!
thank you thank you thankyou!!!!

lovbob

luv, I don't think it's a joke but I really wish it was.

I've been not sleeping thinking about this lady and her poor mom and her poor daughter.

sux not knowing.

lovbob

i found this information online and it might be a help to your Marissa....................it says they give assistance with all aspects of women's lives and that includes the elderly and medical assistance. Please contact them............ Catholic Women's League Philippines, Inc. [CWL]
Coverage National
Address 1141 Ma. Orosa Street, Ermita, 1000 Manila Philippines
Telephone Number +63 2 523-2956, +63 2 523-3144
Fax Number +63 2 524-3729
Website
Email cwlnational@edsamail.com.ph
Chapters
85 Archdioceses, Prelatures, Apostolic Vicariates and Military Ordinariate throughout the country

A cry for help would be for her to ask how to take her own life, not her mothers, this is insane and I hope the person who runs this site finds her and gets that poor mother out of her care. We all get stressed, and stressed to the max , but this isnt a sane person speaking, I think its a joke actually.amen!

It is time to stop being the primary care giver. Realize this and don't hesitate to change the paradigm. You are only human and you have reached your limits!
Contact social services or a medical professional and find a nursing facility that takes elders with Alz. There she will have 24/7 care and you can visit but you will separate yourself to the point that you have your own life.

I'm sorry i called the dissenters idiots. One of my many character flaws. this is a highly charged emotional issue and we are all caring in our own way.

Hey Jam. this is a bad one, isn't it.

Marissa, we do wish you would check in and let us know how you and your mom and your daughter are.

lovbob

All I have to say on this is Marla........you're not very smart if you cannot recognize someone's cry for help......come out of your cozy, little perfect world and see that not everyone has things like you do apparently. Why the crack about Christians........might we ask what you are so that we might gain insight into why you attack like you do?

Well stated Tennessee!

Marissa, don't listen to the abusers. they're idiots who don't get it. Next.

Over on the Grossed Out Thread we have been trying to come up with an answer for you and I think the best one is for you to clean your mom up nice and pretty, pack a bag for her and take her to a hospital with a note. Treat her with love and know that you are doing this for the THREE of you. You, you mom and your daughter.
In the long run, taking her to a place that she will be safe is your best choice. make sure that they have the info they need to access any funds she has coming in to be put into her care.
I know that you want to do something about it, but you know deep down that you just can't.

If you are truly this far down at the end of your rope, protect your mom and daughter from your depression, get your mom to a hospital and then get yourself the help you need to climb back into your life.
You can do this! you've been a strong caregiver for 19 years!
Just a few more days!
lovbob

Isn't this just fine and dandy-screw you Marla,maybe you can get a taste of that great compassion you just dished out.A person screams out for help and she gets dogged for her feelings of despair-Lord I know what that is like-ITS called kick them while they are down. Go kick some elese Marla-I know when I first got on this site Marissa was one of the first people who showed me compassion-even the best of the best have a breaking point-we need to help Marrisa any way we can to crawl out of that black hole-with the lack of resources in rural communities,I CAN'T imagine the Phillipines being worst-most of you city people don't even realize that in our own country there are few resources-I haven't even heard off half of the things ya'll referr to do because it doesn't exiist in rural areas.Hang in there Marissa-you need a break bad and Xmas is weighing heavy on you now with your daughter and all.Check in please.

For God's sake get therapy/ help for yourself. Where we live your idea is called "Capitol Murder",punishable by death. I hope your post is some kind of sick joke.

I Have to agree with marla29910, ( although I didnt appreciate the crack about Christians).
You should be ashamed of yourself, but I don't know you or your conscience.
Everyone here can sympathise and understand your situation...But ! your the first I have ever seen on here be so extremely hateful about it. What you take for everyone feeling this way but are to embarrassed or they don't have the guts to say it...it simply not true!
While there are some who have simply wished God would just let them die to put them out of the pain and heartache they are all going through....I can pretty much guarantee that they wouldn't want to, let alone seriously consider, OFFING they're parents.
Normally I would empathise and sympathise with those who are going through the things you say your going through, but... Just really listening and looking at what you've written here, say's to me that it's more about you and what you want than it is to seriously love and protect your mother.
There are ways that you can get her the help she needs without having to kill her off, Just use your heart not your self-centered mind and look for a way to have your so called cake and eat it too without her having to suffer the ramifications of your pity trip.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't live your life the way you want from here on out! But at the VERY LEAST leave her with someone or in some place that will take care of her. This way you wont have to feel as guilty later on when your daughter wants to get rid of you to live her life and you can die knowing that you did the best for your own mother in the end.
Can you imagine how you mother would feel if she new what you wanted to do, could you seriously be able to live with yourself?
Please ! leave your Mother with someone else before you do something totally off the charts of reality.

Hold up there marla, you need to get your facts straight before you go off. First, get off your high horse. Don't judge others. Just because your life is "wonderful" doesn't mean everyones is.
Mhmarfil DOES NOT live in the U.S. She does not have the resources that we do.
"You should be ashamed of yourself" for attacking someone less fortunate than you who is merely crying out for help and understanding.

You should be ashamed of yourself. In the first place, it appears you have been doing this for your mother only for attention, pitty and her disability income. You have no life by your own choice. I have been taking care of my blind mother for 21yrs. I have a wonderful life. husband children and grandchildren.. Murder is Murder, there are places called Respite Care, [adult daycare], you can leave your mother there when you need a break. and she may enjoy it and make a few friends that might give you and her support.. so get off the pitty pot, and remember, your mother didn't wont to kill you when she had to stay up with you all night, and care for you when you were a child.. and you are teaching your daughter that it's alright to throw something away if it doesnt fit into your life.. and do society a favor, get professional help, you are mentally disturbed.. May your mothers guardian angel keep her safe.. God Bless "Her".. you should be reported, Murder and elder abuse, and let me guess, your a Christian right? People like you usually are.. May God have Mercy on your soul, I will pray for your mother..

If ever there was a cry for help this is it. And I applaud mhmarfil for telling us what is on her heart and mind. Most of us on this site r cg's.
Some cannot comprehend what others go through. Just because we are cgs does not mean we share the same experience.
Some of us care for parents who were not good parents. Some of us grew up in dysfunctional homes. Some of us had wonderful parents with sweet childhood memories. We come at our task of cg from all angles. We should never, ever judge each other.
But...... I think most of us agree that "shortening a life span" or taking a life is not the answer.
I am so sorry for mhmarfil that she feels that this is the only answer.
I understand that she lives in a country that does not have the resources that the U.S. has. mhmarfil has said that she does not want our advice; our suggestions won't fit her. But I hope we can all come up with enough encouragement for her that she changes her mind. mhmarfil, stay with us and lets see if we can help you.

Move to the United States and eat only at fast food resturants.