Follow
Share

So long story short, I moved in with my boyfriend 4 years ago. He lives with his grandma and uncle who is borderline special needs. 3 years ago her crohns disease and rheumatoid arthritis got the better of her and she also developed a mrsa, leaving her now on hospice care. She was already being given IHSS hours which her grandson was providing the care for. I use that term lightly as he more or less just filled out her time card and didn’t do any work. Well coming from a professional background of caregiving I naturally stepped up to help when she became bedridden and non ambulatory. It was my pleasure. Well it turned into a nightmare. He literally does nothing. I sort and dispense her meds daily, dress a never ending cycle of bedsores and torn skin daily, have the weekly meetings with nurses and doctors regarding her care, do her laundry and flush her catheter line daily, change her diapers and physically put her on the portable commode when she warns me she has to go.


The relationship with boyfriend got bad a year in, now we’re practically enemies living under the same roof. With 3 dogs that bark, attack, whine, piss, and sh*t all day long, the uncle who insists on blaring the tv 24/7 to the point you can’t even hear the doorbell and has to narrate nonstop whatever he is seeing. That all is now compounded by her calling for me in the form of screaming for help every ten minutes. And an endless stream of really insignificant needs like turning the tv up, fixing her sleeve, scratching an itch, telling her what time it is, turning her over, giving her tums or Advil, or her prescribed pain meds that she wants every two hours.


I get maybe 2 hours sleep a night while he does whatever he wants, AND collects the IHSS money that I’m doing the work to earn. Granted I do have food and personal needs paid for like hygiene cigarettes, meals. But I still think the financial arrangement is so unfair...I’m now dependent on this situation. I have extreme burnout and find myself yelling at the dogs and her. To which I am made to feel that I am mean or something I’m that vein. I have tried talking to him and he doesn’t see or care to accept what I’m saying. I cannot handle the stress of this Zoo anymore especially when I have a cardiology appointment this month to discuss a worrysome ekg that I had done recently. Advice?

As you stated, she is not your grandma. I, in your situation, would begin to extricate myself. You are being used, big time, by your so called boyfriend. Your health is suffering and you know this, my hope is that you can move away from all this and get on with YOUR life. Blessings in your journey forward.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to cherokeegrrl54
Report

Good lord. Advice: MOVE OUT and reclaim your life. If you have a caregiver background, you will find work to support yourself. Only you can allow them to continue taking advantage of this situation.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to ML4444
Report

You can report your boyfriend and his grandma to IHSS because what they are doing is illegal. Unfortunately IHSS is widely abused because there’s very little oversight and nothing may come of your report but you never know. If you google IHSS fraud. there’s a hotline you can call or a form you can fill out online. You don’t have to identify yourself.

You need to get yourself out of this situation because it’s not going to change. Really think long and hard about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who basically has you slaving away taking care of HIS family member while HE collects the check. If you have no income, go down to social services and get help. You may be able to get food stamps and they will send you down to the job center where there is free training and job placement assistance. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to worriedinCali
Report

Question for you... Do you have a paying job?
1.) If not get one.
2.) Pack your bags.
3.) Move out.
If you do not have a job at this point do you have a friend you can move in with until you get one? If so then skip 1 and jump to number 2 and 3 on the list. Then move number 1 back to the top of your "to do" list.
Care-giving is difficult enough as it is and to do it in what seems to be almost a hostile environment makes a difficult job even harder.
By the way I probably would not even say anything when you move out. Just take what you need and go.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

I just have one question. Why are you still there?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to needtowashhair
Report

You have gotten some great advice on here and I hope you take it and RUN!

Your boyfriend is showing you who really is and you should believe him. All he cares about is himself. He can't or won't love you the way you deserve to be. Just imagine if you two got married and had kids...oh Lord...what a nightmare you would be in! I can tell you now he wouldn't help with the kids or anything else and I bet if you got a job he would take your money too.

I know you feel for this women, but you can't keep living your life like this. We always think we have enough time to do xyz, but the truth is--none of us never have enough time! Get out while your young enough to enjoy your life and still able to do something with it!


If I was you I would run for the nearest exit...don't walk...Run!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Shell38314
Report

Where is the Hospice aide? Why isn't the nurse dressing her wounds?

Time to say goodbye. Like said, if you have someone you can stay with, do it now. When you can do this, call APS and tell them there are vulnerable adults. That you have been doing the caring but you cannot do it any longer.

We just had that happen to my Mom's neighbor. Mrs. D has been bed ridden and since husbands death, she has had different caregivers. The last one called APS and told them she had not been paid in a month and that she was leaving. APS came and took Mrs. D out of her home and she is now in a NH.

Take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I understand your pity and compassion for this lady. but solid and wise advice to detach yourself has been given below. Please follow it. Even if you have to couch surf at a friend's house for a while, do whatever it takes to physically get out asap.

You can contact social services or whatever agencies that are engaged with her to inform them that her primary, reliable caregiver is leaving as of such and such a date. That's about all you can do. Your ex is a bum and you need to find a higher standard for yourself (and also live up to that standard yourself and not be an enabler/doormat/settler). In the future I hope you won't find an excuse (especially financial excuse) to move in with someone who's not willing to fully commit to you (and not living with his relatives at his age). I wish you all the best as you move onward and upward!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Forget getting a job and saving money for a move, go to a women's shelter and get your life back.

I wouldn't turn your BOYfriend in for fraud, you have been complicit in this for a long time, no judgment at least you were actually giving grandma the care that was being paid for. However, once you leave you can call and report that she is a vulnerable senior that is not being cared for.

Unfortunatly you got ahold of a male and not a man, be thankful that you can walk away and start over,it will be easier than what you are doing now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

Did you ever see the old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons where he'd run so fast a dust cloud would appear behind him and his legs would turn into spinning circles?

Be like Speedy. Run away from the awful situation you're in that fast.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to HelloImMinsu
Report

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter