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My biological father is a gruff man, so his long-suffering wife has held the fort together for their marriage, best as I can tell. I don't know them very well, since he took off when I was 4 and I never heard from him again. I've seen them maybe a dozen times in my life since I was 30.


He often yells at her, bosses her around, etc. She apparently never stood up for herself. She's now 80 and in poor health. When I saw their dire situation on my first visit in 3 years, I stepped in. Now we've bought them a condo and I'm moving them to my state. I've taken over their bill payments (with their remaining money) because she's so easily confused and overwhelmed, etc. But since I'm now POA/MPOA and "in charge", she has fallen apart. Is that typical?


She called me frantic, quite early yesterday. Left three mesages in succession. When I saw them and called back within 45 minutes, she had forgotten why she called. OK...then she remembered. The dentist's bill was $31, so she had sent them a check for $22. (???) Now they had sent her a new invoice for the whole $31. She said, "They cashed my check, I have a copy of it, but they credited me wrong." I said, "Why don't you just mail them the copy? Then they'll adjust the bill and you can pay off the balance before you move here?"


Her response: "Well, I was thinking about just not giving them any more money. They won't be able to catch me once we move."


I was a little startled by this attitude. I suggested she at least mail the check copy. She said, "Oh, I don't need to mail it. Their office is only a block away and we can just drop it off when we pass by next time."


This confounds me on so many, many levels. I am not sure how to deal with this kind of thing. I was suprised when I met them to find out they lie, cheat and steal every chance they get. I doubt I will be excluded from their way of life. They may be taking advantage of me already! I am increasingly worried about having them under my wing. She seems to be completely losing it since I got involved, too. Now what do I do? How am I supposed to clean up the lives of two strangers?

Well you’re certainly in the thick of it now. Any chance you can resign from POA?

I too don’t understand why you took on the responsibility for a deadbeat dad and his wife without assessing what their reality was during and prior to those dozen times since he left you at age 4. You are intricately involved now.

This was your choice.

Either you accept them the way they are now because they aren’t going to change or steer them to an attorney and ask them to give an attorney or anyone else than you POA.
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Reply to Shane1124
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Why did you even get involved in this? At most you should have called adult protective services in their hometown. By bringing them to where you live you just made this your problem 24/7. Why would you do that for someone who walked out on you?
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Since you are her Medical PoA you should first get her in to test for a UTI. This may explain the extremely fast decline. Also, if she's not yet had a cognitive exam, please have them do that at same appointment. It may also be that she was really that bad, you just didn't notice her short-term memory issues until you needed to discuss specific info with her. Now all bets are off in terms of the amount of help she needs. If your bio dad isn't able or willing, you may need to consider other forms of caregiving help since your profile says you are managing care for multiple others. Please don't spread yourself too thin -- it won't be good for you and it won't allow you to do your best for them. Ever heard the expression, "A mile wide but an inch deep"? There's not a lot of quality or substance that can be provided when you're spread too thin.

"How am I supposed to clean up the lives of two strangers?"

You don't. You are not obligated to do it. You're not responsible for their happiness. Have you ever heard of Rescuer Personality?

https://futureofworking.com/explanation-of-the-rescuer-personality-type-and-disorder/
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Reply to Geaton777
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I have to wonder why you are doing all this after 30 years. Particularly if you feel that they are going to lie, cheat and steal...
A call to APS might be all it would take to begin an investigation that they are not safe on their own and let a State appointed Guardian take over.
If you are paying all the bills you should contact the dental office and sort it all out. Also find out if there are any unpaid bills.
Does not sound like a condo is a good idea, Assisted Living or Memory Care for her might be better (if she has been diagnosed with dementia..if not that might be down the road)
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Reply to Grandma1954
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