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Mom was pretty settled after about 2 weeks in her AL/Memory Care place (more Memory Care). It isn't large but she has a nice room and bathroom. Recent hospitalization (2.5 days) where she got very confused. Now back at AL/MC and actually memory is pretty good but she "wants to live in her own home again. She will come back there at night." Of course, that is not possible. I tried to tell her why but she is now very mad at me and not happy. I have a really good caregiver with her during the day on weekdays. I will continue to tell her she cant go where she used to live because it isn't safe and she cant afford it (she wants to see her bank account). Maybe I shouldn't be going over to her new place every day? It is 5 minutes from my house which is great. Any thoughts are welcomed - either way, writing to you all was nice!

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Thank you. It does help.
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My Dad also had a caregiver when he moved to Memory Care, it was the same caregiver he had when he lived at home, so in total she was with Dad for over a year. I wanted a set "routine" and Dad enjoyed seeing that caregivers smiling face when he woke up in the morning.

The caregiver [was there 7 a.m. to 1p.m.] would get Dad ready for the day.... direct him to the dining room for breakfast and lunch [she also helped the Waitstaff which they really appreciated her help].... told Dad in no uncertain terms he had to go for physical therapy :)

Yes, it was an added cost, but well worth being able to budget that into his care which he gladly paid. Oh, the caregiver would also take Dad to his doctor appointments and to get his hair cut.

I agree with Windyridge's post, keep your caregiver. Seeing a familiar face is so very important during this stage.
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Dr C.

Good discussion here. Very typical situation for caregivers. I was long distance from my folks when they went to assisted living. I stayed a few days taking care of a thousand things, but I started to pull back after a couple of days. They were mad at me for putting them in that HORRIBLE PLACE where they were clean, safe and were eating the HORRIBLE food like lumberjacks. My presence just reminded them of all things home and the good old days.

Since I’m not there much I also use a companionship caregiver, originally to keep mom from falling so much, then kept her on after mom died to help dad transition to memory care. She still comes in twice a week and visits dad. They watch tv, he tells his stories about olden times and she takes him for walks in the courtyard. If the budget allows I would keep your sitter. It’s been good for my dad.
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Reply to Windyridge
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Hopefully the Caregiver is not going to be permanent. Your Mom needs to become familiar with the AL staff. Have a caregiver with her is not helping her adjust. My Moms AL too was 5 miin away. Literally, down the street. I visited everyday just to check on her. She was pretty much into her Dementia so if I had stayed away she may not have noticed. Mom really didn't communicate. So I would stay 15-30 min. I did her wash so would get her clothes hung up. Check to see what she needed.

Maybe start cutting back the caregivers time. Allow staff to get Mom up, dressed and out to the dining area. Bathe her. Mom should interact with the other residents. The caregiver can help her ease into this but I don't really see the need for one.

I know u feel "I am only 5 min away" Me too. But don't feel you "have" to be there every day. It was so nice, I could go out to lunch or breakfast with friends again. Go to a movie with my husband. Being 5 min away, I could check on her when I got home.

U don't say Mom has any Dementia. She is always going to want her home. She is 96 in an unfamiliar place with strangers. Give her time. But, she may never adjust. Tell her, sorry Mom, but this is what you need now. You r safe and cared for. You may just have to ignore her when she says she wants to go home. Devert her attention. I always say "blame the doctor"

"I know Mom. Strange place, strange people but DR says this is where u need to be for ur safety"
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DrCarol56 Jul 9, 2019
So great! I will use the doctor. And her doctor comes there and is really sweet. I guess I worry that she isn't getting everything she needs. Daughter guilt?!!
Thank you all - I am going to stop daily visits....after today!
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She is not really capable of thinking rationally. So there is that. What you are hearing is painful to hear, so you are wanting to avoid that, and I think that wanting to avoid it on a daily basis is reasonable. She is lucky to be able to have, afford, the care she is getting. You basically know that none of what she is saying is really rational, so just an "I love you Mom. I know how hard all this is, but we don't have any choice in it really. Is there anything I can bring you tomorrow". The whole time concept thing gets really skewed. They don't understand honestly how long you are there. If it is convenient and you FEEL BETTER going daily, then do it but don't stay long. If you feel worse, then don't go daily, because she will not really understand that you don't. Make it every other day. Experiment. I hope it changes. Hospitalizations at this point are always a "simon says two giant steps backward".
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DrCarol56 Jul 9, 2019
Yes - I agree. I worry that she isn't stimulated enough but at home it was the same. Just she and her companion could go out in the car every week. The activities haven't been as exciting as I thought they would be! But I may be putting my spin on things.
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I don't think that it is a good idea to be a Helicopter child, she needs to settle in at her new place. I don't quite understand why if she is in MC that you have a caregiver with her during the day..what is that for?
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DrCarol56 Jul 9, 2019
I thought it would help her to settle in. She has memory loss but she is at a higher level than the people she is with. Her CG is more of a companion.
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