You need a heart to heart with DH. Yes you love him but caring for his Mom is a 24/7 thing that you just can't do. Its not fair that you are giving up your life for a woman who did not raise you.
I was 65 when I took Mom in and it wasn't suppose to be permanent. She needed help with everything. I was able to find a woman who came 3 days a week to bath her. Toileting was not my favorite thing. My house has lots of stairs so not condusive to someone who could not do stairs. After a year, the house did not sell so I placed her in Adultcare 3x a week with her paying. Eventually, after 20 months, I placed her in an AL with her money. So nice. Like you, I sleep in. Like you, I don't each lunch. Like you I missed time with friends or just running to the store when I felt like it. Like you, I am not an entertainer.
MIL should have SS. Use it to hire an aide to sit with her while you get out. It really is not fair you are sole caregiver for his Mom. Weekends, he should be doing the bulk of her care.
No, you're not a bad person. Your Mister brought his mother in. Therefore he can wash her, dress her, and prepare her meals before he goes to work or in preparation for the next day. It'd be enough that you alone are probably having to deal with the car trips to medical appointments.
And then there's all the aides that have to come to your home, disrupting your routine.
You already don't like her and that's mutual. DH would have known that since when you got married.
Reading your profile, I can see you aren't on board with caregiving at any level. It's time to tell your husband that Mom needs to go to a nursing home, or there needs to be a lot of help in the house to handle the tasks you aren't willing to do.
Isthisrealyreal is correct -- not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. It is what it is. I cared for my parents full-time for two months when my dad was dying, and I knew that I couldn't care for my mother once Dad was gone. She wasn't even incontinent yet, but I still had to do the showers and the wiping after she went to the bathroom. It was bad then, and I knew I wasn't qualified to handle the really big stuff like lifting, feeding, transferring her to and from a wheelchair when those things eventually came. I KNEW I'd be responsible for her death because I simply was not qualified.
It's far better to acknowledge your limitations and take action on finding other care before you're in full crisis mode. Tell your husband Mom's care is beyond your abilities and don't back down.
I don't know why you think you sound 'horrible' or that you're a 'bad person' for having your MIL thrust upon you 24/7 while your husband is gone all week working (per your profile). I'd be livid over such a situation and would not stand for it, period. Especially if it were my ex MIL who hated me and who I really could not stand myself. If my ex told me I had to take care of her in our house, I'd have divorced him on the SPOT, truthfully.
In reality, your husband is the person who put you in this position in the first place; why did he do that? Did you not talk it over the two of you & agree to this arrangement? It's pretty easy for HIM to be working and not involved in her care while 'taking her in', leaving YOU to deal with the situation 24/7!
Based on your comment below, it sounds like you're in over your head, without experience or knowledge about caring for elders with needs such as your MIL has. That's the trouble with in-home caregiving: most people DO NOT know what they're doing, yet they're put into a position to give full time care to an elder anyway. It makes no sense.
Tell your husband how you feel, just like you've told us here in your post. Let him know that you can't care for his mother anymore, that it's too much and you're getting depressed as a result. Mother can be placed in Assisted Living and that solves the whole issue quite nicely. If your husband is against 'putting her in a home', maybe he can quit his job and take care of his mother 24/7 for a week to see how he likes it. I will wager money on the fact that he has a change of heart QUICKLY about Assisted Living. In reality, they're very nice hotel-like places where your MIL can have autonomy and her own apartment with caregivers available as needed to help her out.
You're not awful and you're not selfish. Not everyone is a caregiver and that is okay.
Here's the thing, caregiving has to work for everyone involved or it doesn't work, period.
Have you told your husband that you are getting burned out with the situation? This is his mom and he needs to talk to her about alternative living arrangements.
I’m just not sure if I’m being very selfish. And I am afraid I will cause her death. After this I don’t know if I’m wvenn talking to anyone that can help me. I’m 61 myself and don’t know technically
I was 65 when I took Mom in and it wasn't suppose to be permanent. She needed help with everything. I was able to find a woman who came 3 days a week to bath her. Toileting was not my favorite thing. My house has lots of stairs so not condusive to someone who could not do stairs. After a year, the house did not sell so I placed her in Adultcare 3x a week with her paying. Eventually, after 20 months, I placed her in an AL with her money. So nice. Like you, I sleep in. Like you, I don't each lunch. Like you I missed time with friends or just running to the store when I felt like it. Like you, I am not an entertainer.
MIL should have SS. Use it to hire an aide to sit with her while you get out. It really is not fair you are sole caregiver for his Mom. Weekends, he should be doing the bulk of her care.
And then there's all the aides that have to come to your home, disrupting your routine.
You already don't like her and that's mutual. DH would have known that since when you got married.
Set a deadline for when MIL must be out.
Isthisrealyreal is correct -- not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. It is what it is. I cared for my parents full-time for two months when my dad was dying, and I knew that I couldn't care for my mother once Dad was gone. She wasn't even incontinent yet, but I still had to do the showers and the wiping after she went to the bathroom. It was bad then, and I knew I wasn't qualified to handle the really big stuff like lifting, feeding, transferring her to and from a wheelchair when those things eventually came. I KNEW I'd be responsible for her death because I simply was not qualified.
It's far better to acknowledge your limitations and take action on finding other care before you're in full crisis mode. Tell your husband Mom's care is beyond your abilities and don't back down.
In reality, your husband is the person who put you in this position in the first place; why did he do that? Did you not talk it over the two of you & agree to this arrangement? It's pretty easy for HIM to be working and not involved in her care while 'taking her in', leaving YOU to deal with the situation 24/7!
Based on your comment below, it sounds like you're in over your head, without experience or knowledge about caring for elders with needs such as your MIL has. That's the trouble with in-home caregiving: most people DO NOT know what they're doing, yet they're put into a position to give full time care to an elder anyway. It makes no sense.
Tell your husband how you feel, just like you've told us here in your post. Let him know that you can't care for his mother anymore, that it's too much and you're getting depressed as a result. Mother can be placed in Assisted Living and that solves the whole issue quite nicely. If your husband is against 'putting her in a home', maybe he can quit his job and take care of his mother 24/7 for a week to see how he likes it. I will wager money on the fact that he has a change of heart QUICKLY about Assisted Living. In reality, they're very nice hotel-like places where your MIL can have autonomy and her own apartment with caregivers available as needed to help her out.
Good luck to you!
Here's the thing, caregiving has to work for everyone involved or it doesn't work, period.
Have you told your husband that you are getting burned out with the situation? This is his mom and he needs to talk to her about alternative living arrangements.