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I REALLY cannot tolerate this 2 year old with oppositional defiant disorder my mother has become. Yesterday was a very hot day so I messaged her to ask that the AL put her portable AC in her window. They cannot have window units because of the size of the windows in their rooms, and it's dangerous in case they window unit falls in. Well, today she responded, griping about how the "cooler" was "too much in the way." In the 2ft space between her window and her bed. That's it. 2 feet. She didn't want it. Her room was nice and cool, she said, so she didn't need it, but she could not get that it was cool because of the air conditioner. There is NO way in that heat yesterday that her room was nice and cool on it's own. It gets VERY hot in her room. I told her to stop being so fussy. I told her that her room gets far too hot for her to not have an air conditioner. She NEEDS it. And that my brother spent money he didn't have for her to have that. Well, 2 hours sending her that message, she messages me saying No one liked it and that they had to take it out because it stopped working. Just like the two pair of glasses that miraculously had the same arm pulled off 20 minutes after telling her I was not going to go to the store at 9 pm, while running a 104 fever to get her cough drops she was not allowed to have anyway. Last year she couldn't get over her hatred of the air conditioner because "they put a hole in the window." That was just her excuse for why she didn't want the air conditioner. She had no other reason to not want it other than someone else decided she had to have it. She didn't like being told yesterday that she had no choice, she had to have the air conditioner in her room, so clearly, she did SOMETHING to break it. I don't know what. I'm not running over there and entertaining this nonsense with her. I've texted my brother to let him know and he can handle it. Her dementia has made her sooooooooooooo manipulative.

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Its it's OK to vent but you seem on the verge if a breakdown. Dementia means there is no reasoning with your Mom. They become like toddlers. A toddler who gets mad at a toy breaks it. Your Moms brain is broken. She has no filter and can't really think rationally anymore. Again, I wonder why a place caring for the elderly are not required to provide A/c in the rooms?

Mom is being cared for. Maybe time to step back. Block her calls. Tell staff no calls unless its an emergency. Take a vacation. Don't visit for a while. When you do, start out slowly. Don't stay long. You need a much deserved break.
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Alva,

Incase you haven't figured it out yet, I'm venting my frustrations. Which I have a right to do. And you have a right to not respond. Especially if you are going to twist what I say, AND THEN twist my responses to your twisting what I say back on me. You can be an adult and just scroll past. Right?
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AlvaDeer Jun 20, 2025
Sure, momma. You can come any time to vent to the Forum. But members then are within their rights to answer you as they feel fit. Your particular vents are always so full with animosity toward your mom, to my mind. Often the issues are extremely small and unimportant. I find it very sad that you are so very angry; anger is so self-destructive, and really doesn't hurt any of those we are angry AT, so it is a waste of energy as well.

There is "venting" and it is healthy and needed and we see it often on Forum, we DO it often on Forum. But when venting is something "other" (sometimes anger), it may help to have it pointed out to us that the constant writing out of our anger strengthens its fibers, makes it more resilient, and hurts us all the more.

Perhaps some day some THING I say will help you. But until then, I know you do know how to scroll past because you just told ME, how. I just choose not to.
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Momma beans, oy vey! Dealing with dementia that hasn't completely stolen all abilities is a roller-coaster ride to be certain.

Sometimes we just have to let go. If your mom is hot because of her actions, a damp towel on her neck, placed there by anyone but you, will help keep her from getting overheated. She will survive it or not but it is up to the facility to ensure she is safe and not unduly at risk because of the heat in their establishment. I have a hard time believing that they don't need to provide climate control but, I live in the desert southwest and we know how deadly heat is.

Following your posts I have to say that you are obviously a trigger for your mom and then her crap acting up triggers you, it's a vicious cycle for both of you. I would encourage you to step way back and let others deal with her.

My mom was the type of person that would make everyone near her miserable if she didn't get her way, she was not demented and it was my entire life, no excuses for her, just personality.

Destroying things that someone sacrificed to provide has consequences, like you don't get anything else from me. You and your siblings should get some boundaries in place with her, even though she is sick and maybe can't help herself, that doesn't matter, you guys need to protect yourselves. She is in care, so she will be taken care of whether you make yourself her scratching post or not.

Great big warm hug! It is crazy making dealing with a mom that plays mind f%@# games. I don't believe that anyone that had a good mom can understand how hard this is.

Just curious, was she always a bit much to deal with?
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Your Mom has dementia, Momma. It would have been ever so much better to call the administration where mom is currently and to say "It's quite hot now, and I am just checking to be certain mom's AC unit is installed; she is likely to give you an argument on this one, but I feel she needs it, having been in her room when it's quite warm".

End of issue. They put it in. Mom complains. You reply that they do this for safety from the heat and no one can control either the heat nor the timing of installation. "Sorry, Mom; talk later. Gotta go. Love you. Bye".

That's it. And then on with you HAPPY LIFE, right? Because you are soon enough right where mom is, old and a bit dotty and complaining about everything. At 82 I guarantee that. Time's-a-wasting. Get busy with happy stuff, and hang up that phone. Voice mail can serve a purpose; it's called "screening". We all have to do it at times to preserve our sanity.

Good luck, momma.
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mommabeans Jun 10, 2025
Alva, she broke it. She didn't want it, so she broke it. It wouldn't have mattered if I call Admin or not. She didn't want the AC so she broke it. It was too much in her way, in the 2 foot space between her bed and the window, where she never walks anyway. She didn't want it. So she broke it. She tore the vent hose out of the window and knocked the compressor housing over. Something inside broke and now it won't work. She also said it gave her "chest pains and shortness of breath" to be in her room. My mother NEVER in her life has ever used the phrase, "Shortness of breath." "So did you tell the nurse, Mom, that you had chest pains and difficultly breathing?" "I didn't have difficulty breathing." "You said you had shortness of breath." "Yes." So, that's difficulty breathing." "I BREATHE JUST FINE." Okay, Mom. Enjoy the heat.
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Think of your Mom as a toddler. They will break something to get their own way. Really, its the desease you need to except that. Its easier to deal with Dementia if you tell yourself its the desease.

The AC may not be broken, she may not know how to work it anymore. My question, why does this AL not provide air conditioning?
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mommabeans Jun 10, 2025
They aren't required to, Joanne. Maybe where you live they are, but in this state they aren't.
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Yeesh! I’d advise you let some of her calls go to voice mail. Glad you aren’t running to her assistance when she expects it.

My mom and every other elder I know could be on the surface of the sun and still insist they’re too cold!
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