Shall I bring my wife home? We've been married 71 years. My wife has dementia and is in a nursing home.

I would say the answer depends on how much help you would have in your home in caring for her. As you’ve said, it’s hard just caring for yourself at this age so to take on her care around the clock would require lots of extra help. I do admire that you’ve had such a long marriage and that you care about your wife’s wishes

Your wife has dementia. She can't and won't know what's required to keep her at home. She just wants what she wants like a child.

Since you can't take care of her, because you can't do the work of a team of trained nurses that work 24/7 at the facility to take care of your wife, it's illogical for you to bring her home. You should keep her where she gets the care she needs, at the nursing home.

Hi Uncertain, It sounds like the nursing home is the best equipped place for your wife right now. The physical strain of taking care of another is enormous. It would increase the cooking, food shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc.
My Mom too had dementia. I learned that her desire to go home was not based on her most recent home but the home she lived in as a child. Obviously, that would be impossible to replicate. It was no longer in the family! If you can, distract her from this line of thought --- tell her the buses aren't running! It's amazing how a trick like tht often works.

Hi Uncertain,
I noticed you looked at yourself first as her caregiver. Then admitted you couldn't handle it. Then your second thought looked to your children. It would be so unfair to ask your children to be responsible for your wife's care. It's their time to live their lives, as you and your wife did.

Please leave her where her needs are met. Most people cry to go home. Try to change the subject.

Good luck to both of you.

uncertain, my Mom was like that of geewig above, whenever she was talking about "going home", it was her childhood home, as she wanted to see her parents and her siblings. My Mom was 98. I had to use "theraputic fibs" such as "your parents are visiting the old country", "we will visit next week", etc.

Honestly, it takes a village inside a nursing home to take care of your wife. You only see one hour of that, thus do not see everything that is needed behind the scenes.

I assume your grown children, some whom are probably seniors themselves [times flies], are helping you alone at home when needed. It would be way too much to ask your grown children to help take care of you and take care of their Mom. They would crash and burn from the exhaustion.

My own Mom was in long-term-care. At times my Dad wanted to bring her home when he saw a glimmer of hope, but in his heart he knew it would be difficult to duplicate the care she was getting in the nursing home with what she would get at home. Plus the emotional toll of having her home. It was all my Dad could manage just seeing her one hour a day, at noon time when he and his caregiver would go over during lunch time, and Dad's caregiver would feed Mom. Mom no longer recognized Dad, she thought he was her brother.

I think your daughters and son want what is best for both of you. Don't you agree? They have no motive to keep her in the NH out of meanness, right? But even if going home were best for her (and it is very unlikely that would be the case) it would be extremely hard on you. They love you both.

If you are missing her, have you considered spending more than an hour a day with her? I don't mean this as an obligation, but if it would give you some comfort to be with her more, doing it where there is help immediately available would be safer and less stressful than bringing her home.

Uncertain, I agree with prior answers that your wife is almost certainly best left living where she is, with you visiting her every day. I visit my 96-year-old dad every day and most days he asks me to take him home, but home to him is not any of the places he lived over the past 78 years, instead home is his childhood home from which he moved in 1940, but where he now believes his mom and dad are still living. Every time he asks me to take him home, I tell him something like "Okay, but it's too late tonight, so get a good night's sleep and we'll leave tomorrow right after breakfast." He always replies with something like, "Okay, that's a good plan." It's a therapeutic fib that relieves his anxiety and allows him to get a good night's sleep. Best wishes for you and your wife of 71 years.

Uncertain, did someone say something to you that caused you to second guess your decision to place her? Or is it just her wanting to go “home”? My mom, in her mid-nineties wanted to go “home” too, but what she meant was her home in the 1930’s that’s not even standing any longer.

Is your wife engaging with anyone at the facility? Do they encourage her to go to some activities? I went to play bingo with my mom. And she had macular degeneration so one of the aides would sit with her and help her.

Listen to your kids. They’re looking out for you and their mom. Come back and let us know how you’re doing.

Tanks for the info. I feel that way also but get to to emotional at times. I admit that the NH is the best place and will will help her all I can but will leave her where she now. Thanks to all of you. Uncertain.

Some Nursing Homes will allow the spouse to live with the patient. Have you inquired about living with her at the Nursing Home?

It would mean giving up your home, but you would be together.

Our parents recently lived independently in a condo, mom has dementia, dad was taking care of her, and it became too much for him, as well as my sister and me. He said it was time to move to Assisted Living, while they do live together, it is a lot of work for my sister and me to keep them together, that is all he wants. Unfortunately her dementia is progressing and it is taking a huge toll on him as she gets upset at him over just about everything, she forgets she gets upset, sadly, he remembers it. She is a fall risk, forgets to push her button, stands and falls, we have taken steps with Hospice now. We look at the sadness in our dads eyes, he is so aware his wife of 66 years is not the same person, but still wants her there to take care of her to whatever capacity he can. As others have advised, I think visiting her is not just in her best interest, but for yours even more. Everything you have described sounds just like our parents. I am so sorry you are having to even think of decisions to make, my heart goes out to you as it does my parents, especially my dad, mom just doesn't remember, short term memory is gone. Good luck!!!

Uncertain, I’m so glad to read you’ve decided to keep her where she is. This reminds me of my 2 dear friends, age 92 and 90. She is in a NH, but wanted to go home. He had cancer and was frail and knew he couldn’t take care of her any longer. She didn’t care, just wanted to go home. He knew she was where she needed to be. I don’t want to be depressing, but he passed away recently, actually quite suddenly. If he had brought her home, she would be right back in the NH after his passing, with a whole lot of upheaval in her life and the children’s to deal with. That wouldn’t be a good outcome. I hope you find a way to make visiting her enough.

Uncertain - you answer your own question when you say you cannot care for her and your children want to keep her where she is. It is so hard when the person you love has dementia and you want to have them home. But their needs are greater than most people can manage. You said you see her for about an hour a day. That leaves 23 hours of caregiving that needs to be covered. It's also 23 hours of behavior management that would need to be covered. Most people aren't trained to do this, and I doubt your children are.

What kind of facility is she in. Is it strictly memory care or is there an assisted living area? You said you're debt free and have available pensions. You also said you can barely take are of yourself. Would you consider moving to an assisted living community with a memory care floor so you could both live in the same place but have different rooms?

H*ll no!! Why would you want to put yourself through all that aggravation.. She’s where she needs to be.

I know you. My parents both 95 have been married 71 years. Their life has been together and they can't imagine anything else. But life does take turns. My dad has been in skilled nursing and then a board and care facility. He was able to return home with help. Finding, retaining, and paying for in home health is not a easy or cheap situation. We also don't have a place for in-home care giver to sleep. If either of my parents need more care than we currently have, that person will have to leave home.

Also, your wife has dementia. She cannot be on her own. Her care requires 24/7 supervision. She cannot be left unsupervised. Because she will get herself into trouble, leave the house, burn down the kitchen, or whatever else problems she could find herself. As hard as it is on your emotionally, please leave her in her care center. She needs you to be able to come visit her as frequently as you do. Considering her memory issues, you might just change the subject when she brings up coming home. You might consider the woman she used to be. I hope think if she didn't have dementia, she would understand that coming home isn't an option.

When a person with Dementia states "I want to go home" that may not mean they want to go home. It may mean they want to go back to when they were healthy, where they feel safe, where there are people that they recognize family, childhood friends.
If your wife has bee in this particular facility for 3 years that is "home" to her. She is where she is take care of, she is safe. You can be a husband to her not a caregiver 24/7.
As has been mentioned there are some facilities that will allow a spouse to reside with the resident. Also if you are connected with the VA if you are eligible for one of the VA houses it is possible that you could move there together. I know some of the facilities require a % of "service connected disability" it might be worth contacting the VA to ask about that.
As to bringing your wife home you would need someone 24/7 to help you.
It really sounds like a good option would be to find a facility where you both could stay. If she wanders you would have to select a Memory Care section, if she is not wandering you could probably do Assisted Living but just know she may begin to wander. (If she is able to walk)

I can so sense your heartbreak...but the rational minds above do have a point. Being alone with her, even having help for x number of hours a day...even if your children are able and willing...the toll it would take you probably cannot imagine...and, with the dementia...bringing her home, doing what she wants, may backfire...you could do all of that and then she may not want to be at home, or not recognize it as her home, and be further confused...and more so going back to where she was. This disease is such a witch and takes such a toll on all of us as so many illnesses do. My parents have been married over 60 years. They lived about 12-15 years in Detroit before business brought us here to Cleveland...so we have lived here some 50 years or so. Mom developed dementia a few years back in her 90's (now 95). Dad is an active (but deaf) 101. He loves her to the ends of the earth. So we are somehow managing because she is still very functional with very poor memory and decision making capacity. I.e. she broke a cup the other day, didn't tell anyone, knew enough to get rid of the evidence...but neglected to look for or pick up fragments of broken china on the floor...she puts ice cream treats in the fridge. Takes things that are not hers. In your case, what about a wandering risk? When they visited my sister a few years ago, before we realized mom did have dementia, when in an overwhelming situation she said "I want to go home". Last night she left me a note (I live with them). She said in addition to saying how good the dinner I made was and that I didn't have to cook for them...that she would like to go home soon. So here she is, at home....and doesn't feel she is. If it would bring you and your family, including her comfort at the end...if the end is near...perhaps hospice could help?

Dear Sir, please know that your wife is in a different universe than you, though your mutual love is abiding. You are an amazing man that any of us would say are the best in us. Only bring her home if there is 24/7 care. If not, you will risk the future feeling that somehow you failed her. Your children deserve to not take this on. Your love is the best ever, and now is time for you to let others help in any and all ways possible. Have you contacted Hospice? You are are heroes.

uncertain: Unfortunately, that would not be possible and I believe that you already knew that. I have compassion for you as you want to be with her like always. ((((HUGE HUGS)))).

Love,
Llamalover47

God bless you for your commitment, love and dedication to the love of your life. But, please, leave her in their care. Your children do not want to sacrifice one parent for the other. Is it possible to increase your visitation time? If possible: make videos, a picture book, audio your voice tapes, surround her with things she love from the home ... music she loves.

I think RayLin has a good suggestion

She is used to her routine now so it may be detrimental to her to shift her now - you don't want her confused at YOUR funeral

Your 'kids' love you so listen to them - I bet if you even had her there for overnight that you would be so exhausted it would take a week to get over it & she would be upset & want to go home which now is where she is now living

Dear uncertain,
None of us can imagine what it must be like to be seperated from your love of 71 years. I am so sorry that there are no facilities where both of you could live together, even if in different rooms. Our society has some learning to do. What a beautiful heart you have and I admire that you can go see her so often. From the bottom of my heart, I wish there was a solution now. Do take care of yourself, you are the best thing that can happen to her in a day and I am sure she feels your love and would want you to take care of yourself also. You both are in my prayers.

Uncertain:

What do YOU want to do?

Are you okay with visiting her each day.

Since you stated that you can not physically care for her on your own, can you afford to hire a home health aid service that provides a day and night assistant?

If you can not afford 24/7 health care aides it is likely best to leave her in the facility and visit her, as you have already been doing?