Is this sexual harassment? - AgingCare.com

Is this sexual harassment?

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I take care an 83-year-old man. I was hired by her daughter. The man began saying that he wanted to $%#! me, for several days. I wrote to his daughter because I talked to a Hospice's nurse, so, She told me that the man had dementia. I'm not sure if he has or not, but one day dancing (because they said that dance is something good for dementia people and he does not like to do other kinds of activities), he told me that he wanted to touch my a** and started to lower his hand. I told him that it was not good and made me feel uncomfortable. But he start said things that I can work with him. He had previously said that I needed to wear shirts with a neckline because this way he could see the line of my breasts. After all this, I wrote to her daughter again that I was not going to dance with him anymore. His daughter agreed. But since that day that gentleman has complaints from me, he tells me that I am not good for this job, he says that I do not like working with him and says that I need to quit. He does not take any medication for dementia, he is doing some work with lawyers to give his daughter power, so I do not think a person with dementia can do those things. If so, he is harassing me sexually and blackmailing me.
From the day that I refuse to dance with him, he says every day that I am not sociable, he wants me to resign, his daughter does not take him to the doctor. He does not forget anything, especially if it has to do with sexual things, he always remembers what clothes I had the day before. I bought him a happy face as a keychain to try to create an atmosphere of peace and he put the little face in his testicles saying that it was that my face. Then he said that he wanted to go to the pool and I started to go with him but with a rather long clothing and he did not like it, of course. He told me that I was wearing my bathing suit under my clothes. Obviously he feel more frustrated because he can not see anything. I do not have many jobs but not because I can not, but because I do not know many people in the city. I want to know if that is normal everything that does and to what extent I need to seek help

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It is hard to use the word "normal" when one has dementia. But this kind of behavior sometimes appears with dementia. Someone with dementia can meet with a lawyer to sign over authority to give someone Power of Attorney, so that doesn't prove anything.

This man probably has dementia, and probably can't help his actions. But that does not mean you should put yourself at risk. He should be seen by a doctor to see if there is anyway to calm his sexual urges. His daughter should find a male caregiver for him. Tell the daughter that you cannot go on in this situation.
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If you think you are being in some way abused you probably are. Whether he has dementia or not. Sounds like you need to get out of that situation.
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Just because he can't stop behaving the way he does due to dementia or any other reason, doesn't mean you have to put up with him doing it. Do as jeannegibbs says and talk with his daughter. She needs to know this is happening for the hiring of future caregivers or placement in a different living situation. I am in a similar situation with my FIL, who definitely does have dementia and who thinks I flirt with him if I even look at him. I can't be alone with him because the conversation becomes what you just described as happening with this man. There's a term for this: Sexually Inappropriate Behavior (ISB), and it occurs in a low percentage of dementia patients. Basically, the part of the brain that allows the rest of us to turn aside sexually inappropriate talk or actions is dead. They really can't help it... but that doesn't mean you have to continue in a situation that exposes you to it. You've tried to make it work with this man. See if the daughter is willing to give you a good reference.
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Get out! I'm sure you are a competent caregiver and can find other work. Don't bother writing to his daughter. Act on the answers given above. You have already been verbally abused. The keychain was a lovely idea. I am sorry you had to be subjected to his response.
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Yes it certainly is sexual harassment. The OP has been through a hideous experience, and I hope she has already taken Jeanne's advice and headed for the hills, and I further hope that she has access to some kind of counsellor.

Any professional caregivers facing this sort of challenging behaviour ought to be provided with training in its management: there are effective techniques which protect the caregiver and, also important, protect the person with dementia from the potential consequences of his loss of inhibition and self-awareness. But sometimes a male caregiver is going to be the only answer.

The crucial thing is that no-one, not family or health care team, should look the other way, pretend it's not happening, laugh it off or blame the caregiver for being too young/attractive/nicely dressed/whatever. It is the disease that is to blame, but just as you wouldn't shrug and let a person with dementia set fire to the kitchen, you don't either try to dismiss his groping and harassing people around him.
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Hi - how stressful!! I got stressed just reading it. Great advice here. It sounds like you are not working for a company... and with what research I've done lately, this country is chock full of them. glassdoor and indeed are review websites for caregivers to rate employers, search for good places around you! I personally like the protection of a company employer. They will provide training and support. Graciously ask for the recommendation letter and get away. Good luck.
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GET OUT!!!
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So sorry this is happening to you, as others have said whether he has dementia or not, doesn't matter. You need to seek other employment! I would let his daughter know why you're leaving because she needs to know he needs a male care giver period!!! Good luck to you!!!
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I bet he was always a sexual predator but now has less control over it. Find another job.
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Run as fast as you can out the door
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