Sex in care homes; am I being the overprotective daughter or trying to preserve her dignity?

I did a two-year clinical placement at a state facility Pavillon on Aging. Sex among the residents was common. Administration only stepped in if a resident reported being afraid or intimidated by another resident. I had issues with it because I saw older males with dementia going into women’s rooms uninvited. Women were many times afraid to report to staff. They didn’t want to be seen as being troublemakers. There are no easy answers.

If you are worried, talk with the Director of Nursing and the Administrator. Having a caring, loving relationship is important for all ages. Sometimes, though, the participants are in different stages as to what makes a relationship. Discretely check that your mother is comfortable with their level of intimacy. With Alzheimer's the day can come when one of the partners will not remember the other. Heartbreaking for the one who remembers!

My Mom is currently in memory care. The residents cannot lock their doors and can wander in and out of each other's rooms. They are encouraged to stay in the common areas and participate in activities. Sometimes they do wander into other rooms and lay down for a nap or use the bathroom. Without daily observation it would be difficult to tell if there was a relationship brewing or just wandering about.

As a note to those starting the process of finding a community for their loved one: Read the community handbook, read company policy on their website, read the state regulations for that facility. Ask questions, even embarrassing ones! Make sure you know the rules and regulations before signing anything!!!

Mom's first community 6 years ago, had assisted living and independent living in the same building with no restrictions on activities or interactions among residents.

Mom, 75 years old, was a twice widowed alcoholic, newly diagnosed with MCI attributed to alcohol abuse. She had been "dry" and on Aricept for about a month when she moved into the community.

She was NOT happy to be there. I wanted her to be happy and make friends. If she met someone she enjoyed being with, great! If they had a consensual romance, great!

But, if she had access to alcohol, she would drink from mid-morning till she passed out at night. And remember nothing in between. Anything could happen.

I discussed this with the community social worker and Director of Nursing. They told me there was nothing they could do. They said they could not restrict her access to alcohol, even with doctor's orders.

I was not happy. I really worried about keeping Mom safe, especially from herself!

Within the month, the SW called me to complain that Mom was drinking and acting out sexually in the public areas of the community. She had a string of boyfriends buying her drinks at the community Happy Hour. She took the community bus to the liquor store to buy booze to keep in her room. And she was dressing inappropriately: short shorts, tank tops, no bra. Some of the other residents had complained.

The SW wanted me to tell Mom she was out of line. I said no thank you! They could explain the community expectations for behavior and attire! If they didn't have rules about buying or drinking alcohol, it was their problem not mine.

Before the dementia, my mom criticized every widowed friend of hers that moved to an AL facility and allowed men in their apartments for any reason. When we put her in Memory Care I got "the call". Mom had a boyfriend and had to be taken out of his bed and escorted back to her room. They asked me how I felt about her relationship (it was mutual) and I decided I was ok with it if they were.

I'm sure the government will end up "regulating" it (or taxing it) in some way to "protect" people.

My mom is in a CH in the UK and was bothered by a "night walker" coming into her room, and although he was harmless, it scared her, so after talking to management this man was removed from the CH & placed in a CH that could look after him better.

This can be very challenging since we tend to be social creatures. Companionship can include kissing holding hands fondling and does not necessarily have to be sexual. This behavior makes us happy. Believe me, my 85 year old grandmother who is independent and a Cougar causes me to blush quite often. I do agree it is difficult since a person gas to be deemed incompetent despite having a diagnosesof Dementia. However, what is the history of the "person whom wanders". Will there backgroynd check reveal a history of domestic abuse or Sexual Abuse? If this is true you the family member of your loved one will never know since this info is HIPPA sensitive. Your loved one might appear to be consensual however waking up to someone in the middle of the night whom wanders is not only questionable but alarming. There are many variables but you must work as a team with the facility to determine what is best.

One of the reasons I took mom out of her memory care was because of the "walkers" being allowed to wander into each other's rooms. I twice found a man asleep in mom's bed. Yeah, I get it that there isn't enough staff to keep tabs on everybody, and they're all confused, but this really pissed me off. The old fart would also stand in the dining room and play with himself and seldom was redirected. As mom was confined to a wheelchair and not too bad a behavior problem, I walked into a close-by regular NH and asked if they could accept here there. Best decision I could have made all the way around., and she fits in very well where she is and is happier.

More likely your mom is being raped--in a memory care facility they can't make up their own mind so how can this be consensual. How about making a police report. I would if that were my mom.

It's very, very difficult.

I mean goodness, as a society we struggle enough, don't we, with issues around sex and consent even without chucking the sand of dementia into the works. How do you know if there's consent? A million and one juries worldwide are still out...

Try to take the "aaargggh ohmygod sex" element out, look on it as a safeguarding issue aiming at the protection of dignity, autonomy and wellbeing for both parties, and take it from there: all you're trying to do is ensure that neither person is made uncomfortable in any way without unnecessarily restricting them. When it's a question of something so individual and personal it wouldn't be right for a facility just to introduce a blanket ban.

To us, it may seem that there can never be anything dignified about extremely elderly, mentally frail people canoodling. But perhaps it might help to remember that teenagers feel exactly the same about us.

Even with Alzheimer's, unless they are declared incompetent by court, they are considered able to make their own decisions. Two consenting adults in a skilled facility can choose to be intimate.

This is going back several years, but when my aunt was in a SNF, there were two folks with dementia who the staff kept finding in bed together. After separating them several times, staff finally called in the families and said, “It seems to us that they want to be together.” The families agreed, and the elderly couple were given a room together. Good for them!

A friend of mine has a 90-year-old mother in memory care who developed a loving relationship with a 99-year-old gentleman patient. She told her daughter that they discussed sleeping together, not for sex but just for the cuddling, closeness and secure feelings that it brings.

Oh, Wally’s Mom, you just made my day! 😂😂😂

i don't think you are being overly protective.

i think its ok to question whatever bothers you.
im not sure how memory care rooms are set up?
i thought i heard once that they don't get a private room any more?
are they shared living areas with more than 1 resident?

sorry just a joke, but NO ONES gonna have sex with me when im 90 :)

oh im female, wally is my cat

I understand that your “eeeeewwww” factor on this is through the roof. It’s your mother, for God’s Sake! Our parents aren’t supposed to “do that”! Especially with veritable strangers.

Nursing homes don’t really have many regulations regarding consensual sex between their residents. Some guidelines are in place according to an AARP study back in 2013, but for the most part, they neither promote nor discourage it. They do, however, have many regulations in place when it comes to abuse or inappropriate touching. I know. They had to open an investigation when my mother claimed some man grabbed her booty the second day she was in the SNF. But most nursing homes realize there’s no expiration date on a person’s desire.

I would, however be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases and infections. And checking for them can be less than pleasant for the patient. My mother went off the wall when she had to be examined after making the booty grab accusation.

You can seek the advice of the Director of Nursing to see if anything can be done, but like teenagers, where there’s a will there’s a way.

Sue,

Have you addressed this issue the the Director of Nursing or Administrator?