Sex in care homes; am I being the overprotective daughter or trying to preserve her dignity?

Wonderful news, Mary Kathleen. To be honest I am so green with envy of anybody elderly or not who actually has a sexual partner. I was widowed 17 years ago and would dearly love somebody to cuddle me.

You have a right to speak up about anything that seems amiss to you. Perhaps this man offers her comfort or more than that. If you deem it is hurting your mother, you can voice your OPINION.

My own life, Her name was Norma Thomas (not sure of her married name). She was a young preacher’s wife with two small sons. This man came to her door and asked for a glass of water which she gave him. He left, but later returned and forced his way in - raped and stabbed her to death. I knew her older sister Kay from grade school thru high school. Kay and her other sister worked for years to bring him to justice and to get the nursing home law passed. The story was featured on Paula Zahn’s cold case show. The murder happened in St. Cloud.

It depends.

Who is the man? An employee? Another resident?

How does you mom feel before, during, and after the man's visit?

What is the man's condition? Does he too have Alzheimer's?

Have you asked the man his intentions?

Does your mom understand that this man isn't your father?

What do you think your mom would do if she didn't have Alzheimer's? Did your mom believe she would reunite with your father after death?

if an elder is beyond being legally able to sign legal forms, then I feel they are beyond being able to give consent to sex. I just know my mom would have said No Way in her healthy mind, so it would be No from me, as her POA and acting as her healthy mind. Would a nursing home allow her one partner or many? Anytime of the day or night? Seems very wrong for nursing home to allow such a situation to continue. Am I being foolish on this matter? I don't think so.

I was pondering what the "caught with another man in her room" might have included. It does fire up the imagination, doesn't it, in a worrying way; but then I remembered the four ages of man and heaved a sigh of relief:

18-30 Tri-weekly
30-50 Try weekly
50-70 Try weakly
70+ Stick to beer.

...

Once you have lost capacity to make informed decisions , you cannot consider entering a sexual relationship as being between "consenting adults". No matter whom this confused person might "think" the partner might be I can't see it as being a good thing. Almost like a date rape under influence of drugs! Question to consider, would she accept these relations if she had capacity?

I remember reading a few years ago, about STDs in America’s elder population, how the insidence was on the rise. So that’s something practical to think about. Also, how feeble are the participants? Sex is very vigorous at times. And to me, it just doesn’t seem safe or proper for a 90 year old to be having sex in care facility. But, I’m a person who could be called ‘prim and proper’.

My mom and I discussed sex occasionally throughout my life and I am positive she wouldn’t want any man bothering her in that way. I’d make sure that business was stopped!!!

Those statistics about the rise of STDs in the "elderly" are including anyone over 50 HolidayEnd.

This happens way more than people realize. A friend of mine knew someone who worked in a NH, and she said they caught people in the act all the time. She also heard that some of the older men were popping Viagra pills, and messing around with young female staff members who came in to do cleaning!

Hello Everyone! Thank you very much for the responses and suggestions. To briefly answer some questions: Mom has Alzheimer's. The "gentleman" has Alzheimer's. On Mom's door we have a sign posted for the caregivers: Please keep door locked at all times. So -- her door wasn't locked. The "gentleman" is MARRIED -- so I don't think his wife would like this relationship one bit. I have been reading on this subject and it can be good for some people in Memory Care for they have very little that gives them pleasure. Last time I visited Mom she said to me: Have you met my husband? I said, Husband? I thought you two were friends (I was fishing). And mom said: Oh, we are more than friends. AARP said a lot of Memory Care residents act like teenagers or younger of course. This incident has been reported to upper management, and I have a one on one meeting with the Director of the facility this Friday, July 27th. I'm not going to knock it down completely, but there are some No-No's here, and him being married is one. The second -- how did they get into my mother's room when we ask for her door to be locked at all times. Third, mom is a devoted Catholic. If she was in her right mind she wouldn't be doing this. Again, I have mixed emotions for if a male companion makes mom happy -- then I am all for it. I just don't think this guy is the right one due to his marital status. Isn't it funny how life has come full circle? She would get down on me being with boys when I was in my teens, and now I am the parent worried about mother being with men . . . . . . . . . :-)

I have not read all the answers, but enough to say, we are not talking about anything other than sexual stimulation and when did anyone as a teenager think about the consequences. This is something that they can actually do and enjoy. If their reasoning brains are gone obviously their desire for intimate human contact is still very much alive and well.

How much do we deprive them of under the guise of caring and protecting. They are facing the end of their lives, knowingly or not, give them a break. I do not personally believe that their souls are in peril because their brains are broke and they have reached out for intimacy.

Your mom and this married man have reverted beyond their original marriage vows and have found some comfort in one another. I am more happy that they found something to bring them some joy in this damnable diseased state than I am concerned that they are AD or married or anything else.

I say good for them and leave them alone.

No you needed to be protective. Not to scare you from what my husband who works in the field says nursing home is moving up on the charts of people contacting std and hiv. So please do what you have to do

Sue,

I had to have a conversation with the RN on duty about this subject a couple days after my Mom entered the nursing home. My Mom told me a man came into her room during the night to "visit" Mom's roomate.

The RN was very nice. She explained these "visits" were pretty common in facilities. But, the staff in this facilitiy was supposed to be alert and on the lookout for these situations. Of course married couples or couples roomed together were allowed privacy and private time.

The RN went on to explain that Dementia patients like my Mom's roomate may be consenting during the "visit" but shortly after may have a completely different interpretation of the event. So, the staff did their best to keep an eye on things.

Three months after my Mom entered the facility she became a man chaser. So yes I understand. The woman who raised me and made my teenage life miserable was out of control. The woman who always drilled to me "your reputation, our reputation" was now like a boy crazy teenager on steroids...It took me a while to wrap my head around that one.