How do I handle settling parents estate when there has been hoarding from step-mom, and not much interest to me?

Set dates with them when you will meet to talk.

When I did this, I walked around the house and made an excel spread sheet of the contents of each room (big items...furniture, paintings, carpets, etc.). My brother (maybe like you) said he wanted one small painting, Nothing else!

My sister and I have met twice to go through the things.

Very important to set your expectations with each other at the beginning. After some nastiness... I started the next meeting by saying, 'this is a very emotional process and I am going to try to be as kind and loving as I can throughout.' That caused my sister to apologize and agree to try to be kind too. It had been awful with all the weird things that came out of the past.

We got down to business. My mom was NOT a pack rat. She had no magazines or mail hanging around and paid the very last bill that arrived at the house the day before she passed away. However, there is an amazing amount of stuff that accumulates. We forgot about the wall of cook books and sewing items. Who sews anymore? We made our wedding dresses... YIKES!

Then I realized, months into the process that even though my brother didn't want anything... he didn't do anything to help with ALL the work that needed to be done. So, first I asked him to consider paying me... bad idea. He got mad and offered peanuts for a TON of work. So, I said let's all help. He arrives in May to stay there for 3 weeks... finally, after months, and months of work that I've done. He will get a dumpster and clean out the stuff that is left.... and there will be lots of stuff.

Circle back to this week. I am going there to meet with three people. The first will tell me how she can run a tag sale for us.

Then one tomorrow will tell us how he will bring in 4 people to bid on the contents of the house.

The third will tell us how he will take the few things of value and auction them.

The bottom line is we have rooms of furniture, dishes, cook ware, garden things and sheets, blankets, towels... and this is AFTER I already took all her clothes to Goodwill. I will bring a lot more to donate as well.

It's a complicated process. There is more than I ever thought. Little me has been working at Donating, Selling, Discarding things for the last 6 months and there is still A LOT there... even After my sister and I have taken everything we want to save for memories (remember the size of your homes). I brought a few things home and realized that I just don't have the space.... in the long run, my brother is right. We don't need almost anything. We brought things back to the house, realizing that the things should be donated, sold or given away.

Help any way you can. Ask for less than you think you can handle in your house... just a few small things you really need or want. Start every meeting by saying you know that it will be an emotional process and you will try your very best to be kind and loving throughout.

It is longer and more complicated than I ever imagined. It brings up emotions... when prospective purchasers of the house walked through yesterday, I cried. I don't know why...

I hope my saga has helped you. I wish I had known what I was getting into 6 months ago, but even if someone told me I would not have believed it I think. I thought I knew the house was clean and easy. It's not... but one day it will all be done.

I had hoped to be done in 3 months. It is 6 months. We have to remediate pulling out an oil tank from the ground and have to re-build the septic field before it will be sold. Getting estimates, getting along with siblings, doing all the details, keeping the lights paid... it's taking all my time. One day it will all be over and I will go on a long, long walk in the sun. :-)

My very best wishes to you on this journey. As my Dad always said, if you are complaining about paying taxes... that must mean you are being paid... be happy. So, as I complain about my Mom's things... I have to remember to be happy that I have a house and siblings and I need to NOT complain about it, but to be thankful ... and kind.

May I suggest 2 books I've just finished reading:
The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents' Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff by Julie Hall
Sell, Keep, or Toss?: How to Downsize a Home, Settle an Estate, and Appraise Personal Property by Harry Rinker
The first deals with more of issues of dividing items among family members, dealing with the emotions and in-fighting, but also how to organizing the process.
The second has very practical info on the how of getting rid of things from auctions house to the scrap yard.
Both are easy and quick reads. I'm fortunate (and yes, not so fortunate) to be an "only" so have no issues of who to divide things with. But also have a Mom who is a "collector" (read high-end hoarder) and will have a house full of items to dispose of. I'm trying to be proactive and learn about how to deal with all this stuff before my folks are gone, but at 92 & 94, I know I need to prepare now! Good Luck!

Soozi - great post!

Been executrix twice and 1 aunt was the closets of filled with paperwork shoe boxes with rubber bands around them type. Large house with stuff: 1/3 worthy of auction house; 1/3 garage sale or Goodwill and 1/3 garbage. Estate had complications and I ran it out the full 4 years for probate. Yeah 4 years but if you have the time - whether it's 1 year or 4 - that alone can help as everybody grieves differently and everybody GREEDS differently. Gives folks time to have a more balanced perspective of value.

The biggest mistakes I made was assuming that you need to look through stuff in detail and not getting a serious heavy duty shredder. The best thing done was I did get a 3rd party to do a walk through from an auction house and they did a list of what they would take to auction and likely realize at sale. I passed the list out and made it clear that if they wanted anything they would need to pay 1/3 of the estimated auction price to not have it go to auction. Only 1 family member did this happily and bought over a dz pieces (some really great Eastlake stuff). If I had to do this again, I'd go find a "picker" to do it instead - everytown has those antique malls, where it's an enclosed building and mini showrooms of stuff - I'd approach a couple of the owners of a show/salesroom that looks like what's at the in-laws house and have them come to the house to do the walk though instead. No matter what you do there is always somebody who is going to be unhappy with decisions made - you do the best you can as executrix and just remind yourself there was a reason you were named and they weren't.

As the owner of an Estate Sale company in Calif. I would first like to say that some people do not think that this is an emotional process to go thru. But it most certainley is, it is like the last and most final thing. You are closing the door on what may have been a childhood home, it is the last physical thread to the person you've lost. with that being said here are some of my suggestions.

1. set some boundries and let others know what will be expected of them.
such as amount of items to be taken how work load will be spread
between everyone. THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.

2. Hire a professional, to do the work, such as an estate sale, or auction
company it will be well worth every penny. They will have a customer base
and can normally sells down to the bare walls. With my company I offer a
clean up crew to come in and broom sweep home after removing trash
and anything leftover from sale. THERE IS $$MONEY$$ that can be made
that can help.

3. If the home is to be sold or rented having listing ready before sale/auction
as the number of people attending will out number any that an open house
will produce.

4. Stay strong, as no matter how hard you try someone will be unhappy. It
will be over something small, but remember it probadly has to do with
the loss of someone much more them the loss of something material.

I would have step-sisters go in and tag everything that they want ... you and any others who are entitled to go through their belongings do the same. Then hire someone to come pick up everything else. If the step sisters want to take forever to get their possessions out ... let them. Are you putting the house up for sale? Let the realtor show it with their tagged items still sitting there. Also, they may feel that this is the only way that they can remain close to their mom so it may take them some time to work through their feelings.

Thank you all for your input.....much appreciated! One of my concerns is that the house is in an older neighborhood and just a block or two from major shopping. There has been some gang activity in the area and once word gets out that the house is vacant, who knows what might happen, and the longer it's vacant the more opportunity for vandalism, etc. I and my 2 step-sisters are all executors so no one is in charge.

I realize that this will be a terribly emotional process especially for my younger step-sister as she is the "emotional" type anyway. This is the house that they grew up in so there's that aspect to add to the situation. Just want this to go as smoothly as possible with as few ruffled feathers as possible. I don't want to "not" do my part and know that it is a terribly difficult process to have to do but dragging it out doesn't seem right either.

And, Snoozi, I am in total agreement with you......I will NOT do this to my kids. The time is coming where I won't have the physical stamina to go through everything and then one can get complacent and say too bad.

Happyjack, With 3 executors, hopefully you will be able to divide the duties according to each of your best strengths. Who is good at dealing with the administrative paperwork and professional advisors, who is good at sorting/tagging furniture and personal property, dealing with insurance co., creditors, realtors, etc? Hiring someone to conduct an estate sale is a good idea if you can afford it and it will probably help the house sell faster as Campyone mentioned. A few years ago, I was hired to handle all the paperwork for a friend of mine who lived overseas and needed to settle his Mom's estate here in the U.S. He was a very professional executor, and literally orchestrated everyone and their duties via email (although he did come stateside several times to deal with the lawyer and physical duties at the house). It worked out beautifully because no matter who was writing the email, we had a list of all concerned parties that were always CC'd in every email, so that everyone was always on the same page and kept up-to-date with all the proceedings. As for the house being vacant, there is a limit to how long the property insurance company will continue to insure the house in it's vacant state. You will probably have to purchase new insurance for the vacant house and it is more expensive - due to the vandalism exposure as well as fire, as Ferris1 mentioned. So you 3 sisters need to get the house emptied and sold as soon as possible - don't drag it out. You did not mention Mom's bank account - have you closed and registered it in the name of the estate? Any monies coming into the estate from sale of personal property or the house sale has to go into that account, same as expenditures to effect the sale of house. If you do need to use any of your own money to do repairs or hiring people, you can reimburse yourself from the estate monies after the house is sold and the estate is settled. Hopefully you have an estate lawyer and accountant by now, and they can advise you more specifically. I'm just mentioning what I recall from my experience assisting my executor friend.

I was asked to say more about my #3 Statement.
When I am doing an estate sale I can have up to as many as 2000 people come thru the home.
The exposure your home gets can be priceless, I ve never had a sale where I wasn't asked is home going to be for sale or is it going to be rented. So get an agent or get your listing done have flyer in home with info on property, yu willbe surprised at the response.
P.S. Sorry you estate sale person did not show, but take that as a big RED FLAG. find another ask for buisness license, bonded, references.

Soozi, its horrendous to empty out and plan to sell your childhood home. Even if the logistics were a piece of cake, it just tears you up. Like losing your parents all over again, or worse somehow...I feel guilty admitting this, but sometimes just remembering the house and knowing it is not theirs/ours or like it used to be any more, makes my heart ache as bad as or worse than the way I still miss my mom and dad.

Happyjack,
Your post brought tears to my eyes....
I have been cleaning out my parents house going on 2 years. Another year was just an endless number of contractors after two radiators burst.
My sister lives in another state and she has my Mom with her so I can finish the house (really it is so I can do all the hard work and she doesn't have to deal with the painful emotions). I am so tired of the responsibility and I don't know if it will ever end.
It is odd that a house that moves me to tears of sadness from bad memories can also feel like a place I want to be at the same time.
I have promised my daughter that I will NEVER do this to her. I have a one year plan and I am going to have my parents house sold and my house cleaned out of the junk that accumulates on its own....ok I am a bit of a holder on to things like every dance costume and prom dress my daughter wore...and her baby swing and crib, (hoarder) and get my financial affairs, health insurance, trust, et al, in one binder and hand it over to my daughter. It will be a weight lifting moment!
My Dad was a vet so the AmVets are frequent visitors to the house. They will take just about anything and the money goes to the vets. They pick up so it saves me a lot of trips!
I ask people all the time, do you want a piece of Westmoreland glass or Blenko glass, how about some huge hideous lamps!
I am sorry you are going through this process and your post has helped me because I don't feel so horribly alone and the suggestions were great.
I am considering starting a service that can help others who are facing a house full of someone else's stuff. It will be a free service more like a support group. Being alone is terrifying and overwhelming.
Hang in there and take a look around, you have one SO MUCH work!