What do you do when your parent refuses to be put in a home but you have been told by all Services she needs to be in a home?

Bookluvr, now that's Olympic level willfulness. It must have been so hard for you to see him suffering and declining and able to do nothing about it for weeks. How can someone not be declared incompetent under such circumstances? I find whenever I talk to an experienced professional like a social worker at the aging agency that they have rarely seen a person of my mother's level of stubbornness. They are full of helpful hints which would work on a person who gave a damn about their own well-being or the feelings of anyone else in their lives. It is helpful to read here that others do deal with this though I'm sorry it is in your lot too.

Whirlpool, it's very easy for a parent to say NO and NO ONE will over-ride it. My father has always hated going to the clinic. In April, he kept coughing so hard. His phlegm was thick and brownish and he still refused to go to the clinic/ER. He was in so much pain in May and Still refused to go see the doctor. Finally in desperation, I called 911 and the ambulance came. He refused services. So, they left. I tried calling Adult Protective Service - nothing they can do. So they referred me to the Elder Lawyer. The manager interviewed me and was sorry to tell me that my father no longer wants to live and I must accept it. She said that she will contact someone in the senior citizen dept to send someone to father for a bereavement counseling. I then went to the insurance to see if they can recommend anything. Nothing. They referred me back to the senior citizen dept. Father is Not Declared Incompetent. He refuses to give anyone POA. Eventually, the chest pain sent him to the hospital - he couldn't breathe. His left lung was almost filled with fluid. He had pneumonia.

So, Whirlpool, I feel for you! I literally did all that i could to get my father to the ER. Posters had told me that eventually the pain will drive father to seek help. And they were right!

Migdalia, 7 years is a long time. My mom was diagnosed with Alz 24 years ago. I think, too, that you need help. Can you check the phone book or your local village mayor on help for senior citizens? The senior citizen center may be able to Refer you to other agencies or programs that fit your needs best. Have you tried talking to the workers at the daycare? How about calling the NH and explain the situation and ask for advice or recommendation?

I live in a US Protectorate like you. Our village mayer has numbers for all govt agencies and can refer us to places. Everyone seems to send us to the Senior Citizen Division. It's a local govt dept. It has the Adult Protective services, the Meals-on-wheels program, the Ohmbudsman, etc.... They put all agencies in one area that deals with senior citizens.

We have been using the gov't caregivers who provide 4 hours a week service. What we have done is instead of using all 4 hours in one afternoon (so that the caregiver can go watch a movie matinee or shopping, etc..) - we asked to spread it out for 1 hour each day (Mon-thursday) for them to sponge bath mom (passed away in March) and Father. Also under the local/federal govt is the Caregiver's Respite program. Call and ask around! Hope this helps.

TinLizzy, are you caring for your mom all by yourself? My mom was diagnosed with dementia abour 24 yrs ago. Father was her main caregiver, and I stayed home to help him. I took over after work. Even with the 2 of us, it was very very difficult. So, I can imagine what it's like to be by yourself dealing with mom. Perhaps all these medical field personnel can see how much it's affecting your health? I mean for all of them to recommend NH? I read a lot of good advice above. I just wanted to know how YOU feel about this. You did not mention if this was something you wanted or not.

only child, my mom is dx. with alzheimer. i haved care for her now for 7 years. i had to leave my job to care for her. at least 5 times a week i take her to a daycare. still it is very difficult for me in preparring her and taking her evering morning to the dk. i cant put her in a nursing home because they are very expensive and their is not sufficiente money for this. what am i going to do? i feel miserable because i put a stop in my life at the peek of my proffesion, and practically cant go out without her, and i am just overwelmed and frustrated. where can i find help in the orlando area.

If you are there caring for her, why would they say she needs to go into a nursing home? She is already in a home- her home. You can get all sorts of home help from various agencies and at www.care.com, you can get assistance at a price you can afford.

Oh and she would still pass tests and NOT be declared incompetent at this time.

I am approaching a similar situation soon - I don't understand the advice that it is possible for the caregiver to now allow the parent to refuse. If I were to tell my mother that for her safety she had to go to a nursing home today, she would adamantly refuse, she would refuse anyone else telling her no matter how they were doctors be damned, it would take the police to come and physically pick her up and carry her OUT. How is an only child supposed to deal with a parent with that level of refusal?

I would ask her primary doctors what type of care she will need if she remains at home. As her primary caregiver you will know if the money exists to provide for that level of care to grant her what she wants. If it isn't there, and you personally don't have such resources, then I would begin the search for a quality nursing home for her. If she is basically out of money, start the paperwork for Medicaid. You may have to come up with some money to get her into a nursing home to start with. However, you have given up 3 yrs to helping care for her and your job. Don't feel that it was a waste as I am sure she was happier with you and in her own home.

You can only do what you can do. I would not be angry with her or disappointed with yourself. Unfortunately, we don't have an easy way to keep your elder at home (where most wish to be) if you have limited financial resources and are an only child caring for them 24/7. I pray that we improve our care of the elderly and their caregivers in this century. Perhaps the huge amount of elderly from the baby boom in the next 10-30 yrs will cause the change. As a baby boomer myself I hope we can leave a better system of elder care than we inherited. The current care level is poor for working class and lower middle class elders. It just is.

God bless you I know how it feels to be torn up emotionally in this problem.

Elizabeth

You just don't know how it will turn out. My mother has dementia and is shocked that I remember things she doesn't. She, at first, was bitter and called the assisted living facility a "prison". She got to take her little dog with her and I think she helped her come around to accepting. Also, moms doctor gave her a pep talk. Told her ,"it's up to you to find happiness! Get out of your rooms, go with your daughter when she offers, make friends with other seniors, etc.". And I am thrilled with her progress. It is more than I expected in less than 3 months. Her mind is better too after getting past the trauma of losing her husband in Feb., half
Her income in March, and was moved into the retirement home mid-March, we sold her home in May, (I had POA, a Godsend). She was not mentally able to make decisions, nor phycally able even to pack her things. She is just now asking "who moved me here? I don't remember packing or unpacking". I tell her we did it and her step children helped with the moving. She is just realizing all we have had to do for her and still try to see her nearly every day and deal with her anger, yelling, hopelessness, etc. she doesn't remember all that defiance, so I'm not going to say too much, she would feel awful that she treated us that way! I am so thankful that I hung in there and stood by her. After 6 weeks or so I saw her changing. She has a fairly nice two room apt, with a walk in closet, a small fridge, sink and cabinets for snacks, drinks, cereal, etc. 3 meals if she wants 3,
Got to keep her dog. it took me months to find a place I felt she would accept.
So folks start as soon as you know it's going that way looking and asking questions. I am content that it is the best for her and we even help some with the expenses so she could have a separate bedroom and most of her things. (she'd rather be on the giving end but will have to accept that she can't do that anymore. That could be part of their anger, don't you think?)

Take a look at the big picture. You're allowing your mom to 'refuse', but you're not giving yourself that same privilege. How about if you 'refuse' to continue to sacrifice your life to being her nursemaid? She's at the point where you cannot continue to do it safely anyway. All that's left is for you to assert yourself.

Explain to her that the care she needs is beyond what you can do. Her care requires the efforts of more than one person. If her response to that information is still refusing to go to a home, then she has removed herself from the decision making process.

Dementia removes our parents' ability to understand (in any meaningful way) the impact they are having on others, even those they love. We, their adult children, can't seem to stop expecting them to behave like parents; to consider our feelings, to care about our well-being. It's especially difficult because, on the surface, they often still act like parents; warning us to 'be careful' and 'take care', worrying about us. But functionally they are toddlers, only able to be content when they feel all their needs and desires are met. They're also like toddlers in that they are incapable of making logical decisions. They can only verbalize what they think they want and what they think will make them happy.

Call her doctor, get the ball rolling. Good luck.

Hi, I know very well the situation you are in. Get as many services out there, like home support from a local agency. They will come in and help you with her care. I have been on this road for 22 years now. A lot of the agencies are free. Talk to her doctor for more information and a local hospital. They are a wealth of information for your next move, My heart goes out to you. Don't put all the burden on yourself. I am an only child to. I have had to learn over the years to do what I can and what I can't do. Send a note to Ferris 1. She has training in all sorts of areas.
Take Care,
Anksana-Moon

I would encourage you to get someone to help you... The Doctor or a social worker or her minister(if she is a woman of faith). I know this is NOT easy I have been my Mom's caregiver for almost 3 yrs now. My Father passed away and Mom really cannot be alone. I had to tell her she could not drive and I had to move her from the home she and my Dad shared. She has dementia and she also had a heart attack not two weeks after my Father's death. I VERY often feel we have role reversal at this point. I always try to be kind and respectful to her(I do love her) it just not always easy. I would encourage you to get the Dr to help... take care and do not "beat yourself up"...

Ask her doctor(s) to help you to get her Admitted into a Hopital for at least 3 days.
then Medicare will pay for the first 21. If she had more than $75,000. in assets go see an Elder Law Attorney for Medicaid Planning. He/you might suggest paying for some expenses Now ie. funeral arrangements, final house repairs in order to sell. See an Certificed Elder Law Attorney before the facts not after the facts. Also I really like the way Caddygirl55 answered this question. Because moving parents or relatives into the new facility is almost always overwelming.

I know it's a very hard thing to do. My mom had to go a few months ago because her care bacame too much for mwe to handle. She is extremely unhappy there and does anything she can to manipulate me to get her out. You just have to stay strong and know that its the right thing to do. I was also urged by all services and what really helped was when the social worker came to the house and chatted alone with my mom and told her bluntly that she can no longer be home and hat they would call Disabled Protective services if she didnt. She has PSP and was falling out of her wheelchair at least 4 to 6 times a day and it would take me at least 45 m,inutes to get he back in the chair. Now she is there and very very unhappy and it was so hard at first but I had to accept that it is where she belongs. She is safe and well cared for and I am just praying for her to adjust and accept it at this point but there are not too many people that are willing to go to a NH so it takes alot of patience and dont be afraid to ask social workers, nurses, etc for help talking to her.

Welcome......to a thing called 'the curse of getting old'......if only people knew what goes on.......it's a never ending battle......turmoil......aggravation.....it's life changing.....it's a battle that you will never overcome.......it's misery.......it's living hell! Yes, folks......getting old is a 'bitch'......for all involved!

You will need to find a "memory care" facility. They will make sure she can't walk out. You will need to come to grips with the fact that your number one concern and effort should be to place her, move her (instead of putting her away) into an assisted living community that will keep her safe and sound. You will probably never be able to make her happy. My mom doesn't know who I am and although my mom says hates being in prison, she likes her facility. Originally, she had it in her head that we were putting her into a place like One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest. She says she feels like she is in an upscale apartment in New York City.

I will tell you how we pulled it off & hopefully it will work for you. First of all my M-I-L is 97 and lived with us for 6 months & it just became too much. Also she lives in AL & we live in TX so she was too far from home, saw no one but myself, my husband & her grandson. She was miserable, BUT at the same time said she was NOT ready for a nursing home. (living alone was long past doable). My husband called the NH in her little town (only 1) & they were very helpful with info. First step they told us was to get her back to AL to her Dr. & let him handle it. Next step we called her Dr. & talked at length with his nurse about the situation, she assured us he would get her in a NH. We took her in to see him, he diagnosed her as dehydrated and admitted her to the hospital, where she stayed 3 days. They did run a few tests on her just to make sure she hadn't had a stroke or had any blockages and also ruled she had dementia . After 3 days she was told she was going to the NH for extensive rehab, which she balked a bit but then said ok. The NH had told us to bring anything we wanted to make her room seem close to home, so we took her recliner, her tv & remote, lots of family pictures that she had hanging & other odds & ends. We had it looking pretty "homey" when we took her in there. Her question was I am only staying 21 days why did you go to so much trouble, to which we replied, it helps with rehab! She didn't say much else. We put her in on Sat., went back to ck on her on Sunday & lo & behold there she was playing the piano in the activity room with several patients sitting around. She just seemed happy as could be! We were SHOCKED. Anyway, she has now been in there almost 10 wks & says this is where I live now! It has been an answer to prayer. BTW it is my understanding that with Medicare the 3 day hospital stay & then 21day rehab stay is required for Medicare to pay, after 21 days she went to private pay. I will be praying things work out for you! I was told by many that being a Caregiver is one of the hardest jobs & I have to agree. I admire you for being able to do it for 3 yrs.

are you her mpoa if you are, then you can do that without her consent, my mom is worse off than your mom, i am her in north carolina, i tried , the nursing home said she didn't need one, she is wheelchair and bed bound, i don't get it, dememtia, diabetes, can't walk, osperosis, and many other diseases including copd, will keep you in my prayers, do the same for me, i have been her caretaker now 7 years and on top of that i don't drive and my husband has abandoned us, now i need to get a lawyer and sue for divorce from room and board and figure out how to get to the store, doctor, etc

I agree with NancyH. You have been advised by a bunch of people in medical professions and deal with elderly that she should be in a home. It's unfortunate when it comes to this, but you have to do what you feel is the right thing for her whether she likes it or not. And just because she is in a facility, doesn't mean she can't go out with you once in a while for a couple of hours or you can't visit whenever you want. It's not prison like she is going to act like it is. It's just the best place for her to be - for her and your health's sake. Good luck!!

Then start looking around for a place that isn't terrible, and tell her it's out of your hands. The doctors etc. think it's best, and even though you hate the idea yourself, they are right. What I meant by 'not terrible' because that's what she's going to say about ANY place you decide she needs to live. She's going to HATE it and tell you it's a hell hole or whatever adjective she'll come up with, but it's going to be pretty awful for at least 6 months when she first moves in. So make sure YOU think it's a good place and feel okay about it, so when the adjectives start, you'll know it's just fear and anger that she's telling you. You're doing the right thing WHATEVER you decide to do.♥