Separation anxiety and dementia. How to deal with it?
When I'm around, my husband is very calm and usually looks like he's sleeping. But, if I go out, he often becomes very anxious and agitated. When I return, he says terrible things accusing me of abandonment, etc. He has vascular dementia and is unable to see or hear well and is bed bound. He is also frail and very weak. I know it's coming from buried childhood experiences and extreme discomfort with being reliant on others for everything.
I always tell him when I'm leaving and where I'm going. There's always a trained professional around to help him with his needs when I'm gone. I often give him a xanax preemptively... But nothing helps! We've tried 3 daily SSRI anti-anxiety/anti-depressant drugs, but they've had side effects that made it unreasonable to continue (blood in the stool, feeling like dying, etc).
Has anyone had success helping their loved one through anxiety like this? Please tell me there's hope for change.
8 Answers
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When she 1st came home from rehab (she had a hemorrhaging stroke) I didn’t know what to expect or what I was up against but I’d left her by herself to run to the store & came back to her waiting at the garage door. I started to experience her anxiety, she was mean, I think it was sundowning so I’d sneak a Xanax in her soda.
Prior to her stroke she’d been diagnosed with lewey body dementia. Her new neurologist took her off the Xanax. I’ve been giving her seroquel now but mainly at night for sleep which also stopped her from roaming around the house at odd hours. That was nerve wracking & exhausting. She walks now but she was falling a lot so this medication has been helpful. The side effects are scary but like her Dr said...do you want her to sleep or do you want her up & wondering & possibly falling? That’s always a sad thing to experience.
When Mom was in rehab my siblings kicked in to help but now that she’s home with me...Squat! My 1 sister takes her for lunch 2x a week & will bring us some groceries & because of this she thinks she knows how difficult it is to care for Mom. Until you experience waking up to your loved one to when they finally fall asleep at nights, she’ll NEVER know how difficult it is being a caregiver. 24/7. I can’t afford to pay for outside help.
I was self employed once & now this is what I do.
Ask your Dr about the seroquel (quetiapine 25 mg). Mom now takes 150mg. I dispense at 6:45 & she’s asleep by 9:30. Between that time she’s VERY relaxed.
Hey Thank You for sharing & forgive me for rattling on. There doesn’t seem to be anyone to talk to about all of this. No one asks (siblings).
So, although none of us takes physical care of mom, yours truly gets to handle EVERYTHING else, and for those who do this, you know that is time-consuming and sucks down some of your own limited income too!
After we sold mom's condo (they participated in SOME of the clear out, clean up, fixing, but again who dealt with the bulk of it????), there were tax implications because it was a life-estate and she's still ticking... I get questions galore from one (maybe call the TAX guy who is handling this - I don't know anything about how to do this!!!) The other, who knows what he's doing/has done... So, I hear you on the "No one asks" - some other people do, but her own sons???? HAHAHAHAHA, no.
Since then? Not a peep out of the non-local one. Nothing. Doesn't even ask how his mother is doing. Jerk. The other, I have to practically have him hunted down if I need his help or want him to visit. Mom recently had some falls, is refusing to walk and I CANNOT support her weight. He was able to get her to the doctor for a check after the fall, partly because he is without employment at the moment... We shall see how long this works...
My suggestion is for you to avoid listening to the terrible things your husband says to you when you come back. Wait until he's in his better mood before you talk/listen to him. Is that possible? He won't change, so you will have to change. Buy the heavy duty industrial ear plugs and wear them so you don't have to hear what you don't want to hear. Or you can put on your earbuds and listen to music. That should drown out his rant and rave.
With my mom, when I drive her around in my van, I turn up the radio/audio book so that I don't have to hear her.