Can I have a separate time at the funeral home for people who know me, and not attend the main ones with my siblings that have done nothing?

Wow. I was thinking something similar not long ago. I actually figured I'd go to the wake/memorial the evening before but head to Savannah and check into my and my mom's favorite hotel the morning of the funeral. My siblings do nothing to help me so i don't want to share my pain with them. Would rather go be alone on a long needed vacation. Maybe take a friend.

You might check to see if there is an extra charge by the funeral home for this separate viewing. If so, you can pay for that out of your pocket. You would have to let your friends know what time to come to support you. But, to me that seems rather confusing and rather odd.

I don't think it would make me feel comfortable having to pick which viewing that I attended. What if people want to show their respect to the other siblings too. They would be required to attend twice, because of family issues that do not involve them. It seems extreme to me.

I think I might try to move past hurt feelings and get through the viewing and funeral home as one family. Almost always a family has some members who are the primary caretakers and those who don't contribute. It doesn't mean that they didn't love their mom or dad. Some people aren't motivated, are lazy, selfish or just not cut out for care giving, but whatever the reason, they may still love and miss their parent. Unless the family members are toxic or dangerous, I would try to come to terms and be on good terms.

If you are punishing them by going through with this, it might not work. Things could backfire and you might feel worse. Just saying....I'd try to come to terms with it. If you feel they will cause drama, just mind what you say and let them do what they will. You don't have to let them push your buttons if you make your mind up in advance.

Skip the wake. Just do a memorial service and sit away from them.

Ladybug,

I am in a similar situation with my own family. I already planned and prepaid my own funeral arrangements with no viewing to be held except for 4 of my children and my grandchildren. There will be a memorial following cremation that friends are welcome to attend. However, I do have 1 daughter that I don't want to be there for any of it. She hasn't spoken to me for years and I just don't feel that she cares enough to even be notified of my death.

Now, before you all think that I'm being vengeful in this, I'm not; she has made it abundantly clear that she wants nothing to do with me. Think of one of your children or any loved one for that matter, that hasn't bothered to wish you a Happy Birthday, Happy Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, etc for years. I have tried to contact her since she decided I wasn't her mother anymore and am always greeted with total silence. I don't even know if my gifts and cards are even received unless I see a cancelled check. So to my way of thinking I can't see how my passing will matter much to her. I haven't mattered in life, so why would I in death? I'm sorry but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of "gloating" over my body.

I was her mom for 45 years and now I am not. So be it!

Ha.I'm sitting here with my Mom who is now on hospice care at home.. I called the 1 good sis to let her know hospice said 3 days to 2 wks.. I didn't want to tell the other 5 useless siblings about hospice but I decided I would let her call them.. I told her to tell them to call me before coming here. That was at 1 o'clock today.. guess what not one of them has called to see how their mother is doing..

I guess their 4th of July plans are more important..

It's almost midnight.. oh my phone must be broken..lol

It sounds like a lot of trouble to go through to avoid your siblings. And like someone else said, what if there are people who want to see you and would like to see your siblings as well? Having a funeral in shifts to avoid people at a time like this seems petty. It's less than 2 hours and after you walk out the door you never have to see your siblings again.

No one is comfortable at viewings/funerals/memorials. I've had to attend visitations knowing that there were going to be people there that I wanted to avoid like the plague but I went out of respect to other members of my family and because it wasn't about me. It was about the person who had died and remembering him/her.

I'm sure it's possible to make separate arrangements but it sure seems easier to just go and get it over with and be done with it.

It's been said, the funeral is for the living and not the dead. We dress up the corpse and fill the room with flowers and music but honestly the deceased could not care less. It's just our way to get through the loss. Dealing with my mother's dementia everyday is already like grieving a death. I've cried more this past year than I've cried my whole life. So when she dies, I'll plan the funeral and set the ball rolling. I will attend the wake. But the morning of the funeral I plan to wake up with the sun rising over waterfront views. I have fond memories of my mom when she was in the best of health. I would rather get through it without laying eyes on my siblings or hearing them receive condolences for a loss of someone they never gave a squirrel's nuts about. They don't care about her, and they certainly don't care about me.

babygirlga, what if you donated the body to a medical school? They return the ashes in about a year. Skip the wake entirely and avoid the phony display of grief by the ingrates. I don't want anybody spending thousands on my wake. I'd rather they planted a tree as a memorial.

My mother's will actually requests a burial next to my father. So I'll honor her wishes. She attends church loyally, so I'll provide her that rite. ButIi do plan to donate my cadaver to my university which has a medical school. That and my entire estate, which happens to be my mother's estate I'm inheriting, since I have no children.

Assandache,
Praying your Mom passes peacefully, and you have no regrets during this difficult and sad time.
Love, from Send

Surprisingly 2 sisters have been since Saturday 24 hrs..I so appreciate the help and support...

Mom's still hanging on..

wow Ladybug this is me... I cared for both my parents - the thought of them being at my dads memorial just turns my stomach. I wont be able to mourn him with them there- heck i havent been able to yet because of what i recently found out what one of them did. I dont know what to do..

Assandache, that is surprising the sisters have gathered-a difficult but special time for you.
My thoughts are with you. If the sissies stay awhile, it eases discomfort to play boardgames at the bedside, like scrabble?

babygirlga...please think of donating some to your Hospice.
The one I have my husband with turns no one away, even those without insurance. They have funds available to provide help for under or uninsured and I plan to contribute to that fund when my husband passes. They have been heaven sent angels and I could not do this journey without their help.

Grandma1954 that's a great idea. My family has used hospice services twice over the years (my brother had pancreatic cancer and my nephew had colon cancer).

Babygirl, having to 'rise above' scapegrace siblings for the duration of the funeral is a last service you can offer up to your mother. I was lucky in that it so happened that I had to leave my mother's funeral immediately after the service - no time to talk to anyone and a genuine reason that had nothing to do with fear of punching my brothers and sister in their stupid faces.

But one thing that did happen was that my brother's girlfriend, who is a decent woman I have no problem with, tried to break ice by saying kindly "it's worse for you." To which I replied "thank you, but it's not a competition." Which was true, and is true for you too. Saying it helped me remember it.

This is your mother's funeral. You may well feel that there is a certain amount of hypocrisy sloshing around, maybe more than you can easily stomach, but remind yourself that her other children too are entitled to mourn her in proper form, and owe her that at least. No matter how full of sh*t they sound in your ears.

churchmouse thanks for the chuckle - gives you a thumbs up and a knowing smile

So sorry for your loss, Assandache.

Mom passed yesterday..It was time...

I am happy to say that my siblings were most helpful...Two of my sisters stayed with me and Mom for 3 days and nights until she passed

Sending you love and support, Assandache!