Can I have a separate time at the funeral home for people who know me, and not attend the main ones with my siblings that have done nothing?

You might check to see if there is an extra charge by the funeral home for this separate viewing. If so, you can pay for that out of your pocket. You would have to let your friends know what time to come to support you. But, to me that seems rather confusing and rather odd.

I don't think it would make me feel comfortable having to pick which viewing that I attended. What if people want to show their respect to the other siblings too. They would be required to attend twice, because of family issues that do not involve them. It seems extreme to me.

I think I might try to move past hurt feelings and get through the viewing and funeral home as one family. Almost always a family has some members who are the primary caretakers and those who don't contribute. It doesn't mean that they didn't love their mom or dad. Some people aren't motivated, are lazy, selfish or just not cut out for care giving, but whatever the reason, they may still love and miss their parent. Unless the family members are toxic or dangerous, I would try to come to terms and be on good terms.

If you are punishing them by going through with this, it might not work. Things could backfire and you might feel worse. Just saying....I'd try to come to terms with it. If you feel they will cause drama, just mind what you say and let them do what they will. You don't have to let them push your buttons if you make your mind up in advance.

Skip the wake. Just do a memorial service and sit away from them.

Ladybug,

I am in a similar situation with my own family. I already planned and prepaid my own funeral arrangements with no viewing to be held except for 4 of my children and my grandchildren. There will be a memorial following cremation that friends are welcome to attend. However, I do have 1 daughter that I don't want to be there for any of it. She hasn't spoken to me for years and I just don't feel that she cares enough to even be notified of my death.

Now, before you all think that I'm being vengeful in this, I'm not; she has made it abundantly clear that she wants nothing to do with me. Think of one of your children or any loved one for that matter, that hasn't bothered to wish you a Happy Birthday, Happy Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, etc for years. I have tried to contact her since she decided I wasn't her mother anymore and am always greeted with total silence. I don't even know if my gifts and cards are even received unless I see a cancelled check. So to my way of thinking I can't see how my passing will matter much to her. I haven't mattered in life, so why would I in death? I'm sorry but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of "gloating" over my body.

I was her mom for 45 years and now I am not. So be it!

It sounds like a lot of trouble to go through to avoid your siblings. And like someone else said, what if there are people who want to see you and would like to see your siblings as well? Having a funeral in shifts to avoid people at a time like this seems petty. It's less than 2 hours and after you walk out the door you never have to see your siblings again.

No one is comfortable at viewings/funerals/memorials. I've had to attend visitations knowing that there were going to be people there that I wanted to avoid like the plague but I went out of respect to other members of my family and because it wasn't about me. It was about the person who had died and remembering him/her.

I'm sure it's possible to make separate arrangements but it sure seems easier to just go and get it over with and be done with it.

Babygirl, having to 'rise above' scapegrace siblings for the duration of the funeral is a last service you can offer up to your mother. I was lucky in that it so happened that I had to leave my mother's funeral immediately after the service - no time to talk to anyone and a genuine reason that had nothing to do with fear of punching my brothers and sister in their stupid faces.

But one thing that did happen was that my brother's girlfriend, who is a decent woman I have no problem with, tried to break ice by saying kindly "it's worse for you." To which I replied "thank you, but it's not a competition." Which was true, and is true for you too. Saying it helped me remember it.

This is your mother's funeral. You may well feel that there is a certain amount of hypocrisy sloshing around, maybe more than you can easily stomach, but remind yourself that her other children too are entitled to mourn her in proper form, and owe her that at least. No matter how full of sh*t they sound in your ears.

babygirlga, what if you donated the body to a medical school? They return the ashes in about a year. Skip the wake entirely and avoid the phony display of grief by the ingrates. I don't want anybody spending thousands on my wake. I'd rather they planted a tree as a memorial.

Assandache,
Praying your Mom passes peacefully, and you have no regrets during this difficult and sad time.
Love, from Send

Surprisingly 2 sisters have been since Saturday 24 hrs..I so appreciate the help and support...

Mom's still hanging on..

churchmouse thanks for the chuckle - gives you a thumbs up and a knowing smile

Mom passed yesterday..It was time...

I am happy to say that my siblings were most helpful...Two of my sisters stayed with me and Mom for 3 days and nights until she passed